HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby MidasKnight » Sun Apr 11, 2010 1:39 pm

Yes, happens every 10 minutes or so in the produce dept ... at least in the grocery stores ... not so sure about the Wal-Marts and Winco's.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Sun Apr 11, 2010 10:17 pm

E Pericoloso Sporgersi wrote:
laurie wrote:
Did I Read That Sign Right? ...

Did I read that post right?
... automatic water mister ...
Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
viewtopic.php?p=1876849#p1876849



Hey, I didn't write the joke. I just posted what was emailed to me!
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby Darb » Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:35 am

I'd be careful around EPS ... he's been known to abuse people (with puns) while they're under the effects of NO2. ;)
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby E Pericoloso Sporgersi » Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:42 am

Darb wrote:I'd be careful around EPS ... he's been known to abuse people (with puns) while they're under the effects of NO2. ;)

Hihihi ...
Especially people immobilised mouth-wide-open with a rubber dam, a saliva suction tube, an aspiration cannula, an apex finder electrode, a bib fastened with a chain around the back of the chair and the pitying but stern look of a black-belted assistant. 8)
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:04 pm

OMG, he's a... a... a... DENTIST!!!! :shock:
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby Darb » Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:10 pm

Ooooh, do I detect a slight phobia there ? :deviate:

/me quietly annotates heavily dog-eared flip-pad of nefarious secrets.
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby E Pericoloso Sporgersi » Tue Apr 13, 2010 2:12 am

laurie wrote:OMG, he's a... a... a... DENTIST!!!! :shock:

Don't worry, my dear, I'm retired.

I can now afford to drop my gentle chairside manner and show my real sadistic monstrous nature. My professional role model was Laurence Olivier as "the White Angel of Auschwitz" in the magnificent movie "Marathon Man":
Includes one of the most agonizing torture scenes ever portrayed. You'll never see your dentist the same way again. ...
The [dental] torture scene was shortened after preview audiences were taken sick.
If ever you visit Belgium, let me know and I'll gladly welcome you and, if you're interested, introduce you to some of my most notorious Flemish colleagues, who will surely surpass my delectable skills and your suppressed SM cravings.

Take care now.

@ Darb: one more entry for your flip-pad.

P.S. Can someone point me to where I can download the full uncut torture scene?
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby Darb » Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:25 am

@EPS: I was actually picturing Steve Martin in "Little Shop of Horrors". I'll have to look for that other one, which i'd heard of but not seen yet.
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:48 pm

E Pericoloso Sporgersi wrote:If ever you visit Belgium, let me know and I'll gladly welcome you and, if you're interested, introduce you to some of my most notorious Flemish colleagues, who will surely surpass my delectable skills and your suppressed SM cravings.


uh... Right, I will...

Me vows to step verrrrry carefully around Mr. EPS...
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Sun Apr 25, 2010 9:53 pm

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

-"A priest, A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:


B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Tue May 11, 2010 9:13 pm

MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Wed May 19, 2010 9:33 pm

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on. You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"



During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby gollum » Thu May 20, 2010 5:28 am

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the pay out from the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia .

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable..........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

Spoiler: show
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'.

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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby Darb » Thu May 20, 2010 11:37 am

:lol:
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Sat May 22, 2010 9:59 pm

Let's hear it for the blonde -- she finally wins one!

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door and Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
Spoiler: show
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby E Pericoloso Sporgersi » Sat May 22, 2010 10:26 pm

:lol:
That should fix the blonde-bashers.
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Wed May 26, 2010 10:34 pm

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GIRL FROM NEW YORK: A Tale of Three Marriages

The first man married a woman from Georgia. He told her she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Kansas. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New York. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day...
Spoiler: show
...some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby Darb » Thu May 27, 2010 4:27 am

:clap:

I'm guessing she's not a natural blonde ... the brunette roots are a giveaway. ;)

laurie wrote:Let's hear it for the blonde -- she finally wins one!

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door and Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
Spoiler: show
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby E Pericoloso Sporgersi » Fri May 28, 2010 12:44 am

forwarded by a cousin
The girls from New York

A New York cop sat on his horse, watching the people enjoy the balmy weather in Central Park.

A little girl on her shiny new bike stopped beside him.
The cop, who had seen her approaching, said, 'Nice bike. Did Santa Claus present it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop the looked over the bike, scribbled a bit and handed the girl a ticket for a $ 10 fine for safety violation, saying, 'Go give this to your Daddy or Mama, Miss, and next year, tell Santa to put reflectors on it!'

The young girl glanced at the ticket, put it in her shirt pocket, looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it for you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

Whereupon the little girl replied, 'Next year tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby voralfred » Fri May 28, 2010 12:59 am

E Pericoloso Sporgersi wrote:forwarded by a cousin
The girls from New York

Whereupon the little girl replied, 'Next year tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'


Tsk, tsk tsk! Such language in the mouth of a little girl! :lol:
Human is as human does....Animals don't weep, Nine

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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby E Pericoloso Sporgersi » Fri May 28, 2010 1:28 am

forwarded by my cousin
Think on your feet

An elderly gentleman owned a large farm in Louisiana.

In a little wooded patch not far from the house, there was a little pond. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he had it fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe and pétanque courts, and some apple, peach and cherry trees.

One warm sunset in June, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look over his trees. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard water splashing and voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He loudly cleared his throat to make his presence known, whereupon the girls all ducked and swam to the deep end.

One of the girls shouted back at him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and drawled, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he added, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some older men can still think fast ...
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby Darb » Fri May 28, 2010 4:27 am

:worship:
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby voralfred » Fri May 28, 2010 11:43 am

:worship: :worship: :worship:
:butter:
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby laurie » Tue Jun 08, 2010 9:47 pm

I damn near had a heart attack when I read this email:


Proofreading Is a Dying Art

Actual newspaper headlines:


1. Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
5. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
6. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
7. War Dims Hope for Peace
8. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
9. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
10. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
11. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
12. Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
13. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
14. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
16. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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Re: HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Postby voralfred » Wed Jun 09, 2010 1:15 am

This reminds me of a "Belgian Joke" we tell in France (specially for my friend EPS)

BELGIUM'S GREATEST AIR DISASTER!!!

A one person PiperSport crashes into Brussels largest cemetery.
Thousands of corpses already found by rescuers, toll is rising by the hour.
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