Topics include: Cooking (recipes, techniques & equipment); Beverages (appreciating & making your favorites); Food Philosophy, and various books, articles, blogs, and related discussions.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try to convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time see John standing over his grill sprinkling some water on his steak saying, "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Wal-Mart has announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E &J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in reverse order of popularity are:
11) Chateaux Adidas (aka "dirty sock water") <<< A dry blanc de blanc with a hint of dirty socks and touch of laudry soap ... for a long lasting mousse, and bubble retention that can't be beat. Pairs nicely (and predictably) with soft stinky washed-rind cheeses. Typically served at (or near) room temperature, in a dirty glass.
Here's another classic someone recently sent me ...
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course near where the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
In other words, he finally understood the deep philosophy behind one of your previous posts:
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOOHOO! What a Ride!"
I had that as a Sig a while back, except it was beer and chocolate in my hands.
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
THE GAG TEST
Generally, anything that makes you gag is spoiled.
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
MAYONNAISE
If it looks like chicken grease, the mayonnaise may be spoiled.
CHICKEN GREASE
If it looks like mayonnaise, it may be spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that break a kitchen knife when you try to pry them out of the freezer compartment will probably be spoiled.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
> THE STRING AND THE SPOON
>
> A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for
>an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new
>restaurant, and noticed That the waiter who took our order carried a
>spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
>
> When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he
>also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all
>the staff had spoons in their pockets.
>
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
>spoon?"
>
> He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
>to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
>concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
>represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
>hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of
>trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
>
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
>replace It with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
>kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
> I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging
>out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters
>had The same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
>asked the waiter,
>
> "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
>there?"
>
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
>observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
>save time In the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
>what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
>wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
>percent."
>
> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
>
> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
>the spoon."
You obviously haven't watched many of SWMNBN's shows then ... she giggles constantly (exactly as depicted in the article imitating her). Your annoyance with reading the giggles mirrors the annoyance that many viewers experience watching and hearing them.
In any case, just to clarify ... I have nothing against SWMNBN personally. I'm sure she's a fine person in real life. It's just that her on-camera mannerisms set so many people's teeth on edge ... like nails on a chalkboard. Watching her show, I have this mental daydream of wishing I could club her like a harp seal pup. Not a real urge, mind you ... just a pleasant daydream.
Last edited by Darb on Fri Oct 06, 2006 1:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Genre: The Viewers Against Rachael Ray Deprogramming Center
(filmed before a live studio audience)
Brad: Say it again, Rach.
SWMNBN: Yummy-O !
Brad: {clubs her with rolled up newspaper)
SWMNBN: OWWW
Brad: Say it again, Rach.
SWMNBN: Yummy-O !
Brad: {clubs her with newspaper)
SWMNBN: OWWW
Brad: Ok, I think that's hopeless. Let's see if we can't fix that joker-like smile. {injects botox}
Brad: {whispers "EVOO" into her ear}
SWMNBN: {smiles, albeit slowly}
Brad: {injects more botox}
Brad: I loved your show about dining in Paris for $39.92/day.
SWMNBN: {fails to smile}
Brad: SUCCESS !
Brad: Ok, let's work on those arm spasms now.
Brad: {hooks up electrodes} If we pump in enough electrical current, we'll overload the nerves, and stop the spasms. {connects circuit to 220V industrial generator, and throws switch}
SWMNBN: {flops furiously, like a freshly caught fish}
Brad: {shuts off current, and checks arms ... now permanently limp} SUCCESS !
Brad: Two our of four isn't bad. The giggles and the yummy-o turned out to be incurable, but we solved the arm spasms and the joker smile.
Live audience: Yay !
A new Supermarket opened in Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
The sultan of simile!
