Sam Spam suddenly poked his head into the ramshackle hut, and was shocked speechless at what he saw before him. Father Bill and Elvis, hot on his heels, collided with his back when he stopped abruptly in the doorway.
Shoving Elvis into the bracken beside the hut, Father Bill said, "Stay down, Elvis; this is man's work."
His eyes wide, Elvis hid in the scraggly grasses and watched what he could through the open doorway.
Later, he found himself in his own trailer home, in his own bed, with absolutely no memory of how he got there. When he responded to his angry parents' queries with a blank stare, and when he didn't even flinch when his Daddy threatened him with
the strap, they knew something was desperately wrong with their boy.
Place: Sunny Jim's Convalescent Psychiatric Hospital
[Genre: Emoticon Extravaganza]
Four doctors at SJCPH made their rounds early one morning prior to their round of tequila shots and golf.
They paused at the door of an adolescent patient who sat in his bed staring blankly at the runny eggs and soggy toast before him on his tray.
"Good morning, Elvis," said Dr. Sun Won Friyo.
Elvis stared blankly at the doctor.
"This patient baffles me completely," admitted Dr. Sun Won Friyo.
"Look at his face. He doesn't appear to comprehend anything I'm saying."
The four doctors conferred. One said, "Have you tried anti-psychotic drugs?"
Dr. Friyo nodded sadly, remembering that failed attempt at healing his patient.
The four doctors conferred again. A different one said, "Have you considered the efficacy of hydrotherapy?"
"Oooooo, HYDROTHERAPY!" Dr. Friyo cooed. "I'll bet that will do it!"
Several burly orderlies were called in to strip Elvis to his skivvies.
The patient had a rather intense emotional reaction to being stripped by these disorderly orderlies, but resistance was futile.
Soon the skivvie-clad boy was adrift in a warm pool of water.
Hysterical crying was
not the desired effect.
And so the patient was jolted with a significant voltage.
The results were less than thrilling.
The four doctors conferred again.
There was some dissention amongst the ranks of doctors.
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They fumed and stormed and insulted one another's ancestry and medical school activities.
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Elvis sat quietly on the bed, wet, crispy, and coming down off a unrighteous multi-drug induced high and wondering what fresh hell they would bestow upon him.
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Suddenly, he noticed that a pen had fallen from one of the doctor's pockets. He picked it up and began to doodle on the back of his napkin.
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Mara , he thought, drawing a picture of his beloved in the heavens.
Somewhere you hang like a diamond in the black velvet sky--a snowy dove on a field of snow. Stars hang their heads in shame that the glow in your eyes is brighter than they.
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Elvis's eyes glowed with love, and he smiled slightly as he continued to draw.
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"Hold up, here, fellows," one of the doctors said. "What's he doing?"
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Ceasing their bickering, the doctors gazed at the boy.
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Elvis, oblivious to their clinical observations, continued to draw.
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Oh, Mara, he thought,
to feel your honey sweet lips upon mine again--to touch the soft wonder of your flesh...
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"Mara," Elvis muttered, smiling. It was the first time he'd spoken since his parents had discovered him, catatonic, in his bed.
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"Progress!" gloated Dr. Friyo. "It had to be the electrotherapy!"
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"Surely not!" said Dr. Spasm. "Surely it was the hydrotherapy!"
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"Wankers!" said Dr. Meoff. "It was the DRUGS. DRUGS are the only answer."
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"Put a cork in your pie hole, Jack," snapped Dr. Friyo. "You think drugs is the answer to every thing from pimples to butt boils!"
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"Drugs ARE the answer to everything!" Dr. Meoff insisted, shoveling a handful of valium into his gullet as he loaded a syringe with an anti-psychotic cocktail for Elvis. "Roll up your sleeve, boy!"
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Freshly loaded, Elvis drooped against his pillow, drooling.
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"Jack, Jack, Jack," said Dr. Friyo, struggling to refrain from choking the life from Dr. Meoff. "This boy obviously is not responding to drug therapy."
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"What the HELL is that!" shrieked Dr. Spasm, gazing at something that began to materialize above Elvis's bed.
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The luminous figure of an irate 12-year-old girl hovered above them.
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Elvis lifted his glazed eyes and stared at her. "Maaarrrrah!" he slurred.
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Dr. Friyo sought an escape route.
I have a very bad feeling about this, he thought.
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"Quacks!" shouted the girl. "Quacks! Look what you've done to my love! Elvis, baby, darling, sweetums! Speak to me!"
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"Oh, sh*t," said Dr. Spasm.
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Dr. Mehoff rushed into the bathroom in a futile attempt to hide from this avenging angel.
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"Things do not look good," said Dr. T. Feely who reacted strongly to another eerie appearance between him and the door.
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A man wearing the crusader's garb appeared.
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Elvis stared dumbly at the man. "
Father Bill?" he gasped.
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The knight grinned. "Mild mannered somewhat hippie-ish Father Bill the cocoa king in times of peace.
Sir William of the Knights Templar when the need arises!" He glared at the doctors.
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Terrified, they stared back at him.
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Tossing a sword at Dr. Friyo, Sir William cried, "Defend yourself, Varlet! Have at thee!" And a thrilling battle ensued.
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One by one Sir William dispatched the dastardly doctors who stood at the end of Elvis's bed.
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Meanwhile, Dr. Mehoff continued to hide in the bathroom.
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His doom, however, was fated to come at the hands of more sinister administrators.
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Mara drifted down to sit beside the tripping Elvis. "My darling," she said, kissing him repeatedly. "I cannot stay. I wish I could. Know that I will always watch over you! Whenever things look their most hopeless, that is when you may hope for my intervention."
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"Maaara," he slurred. "Maaara, my ooooown personal aaaaangel."
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"My darling. My sweet prince."
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Gah! My innocent eyes! thought Sir William. "Come along, my son," he said, tearing the lovers from their embrace. "We must leave before undue attention is brought upon us!"
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As Mara drifted away, fading into shimmering translucence once more, she whispered, "Farewell, my sweet! I must return to the celestial realm. I wait for you, my sweet--but do not come to me too soon!"
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Sir William wrapped young Elvis in a hospital robe and led him through the crowd of by-standers gathered in the hallway.
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"What is it?"
"What's happened?"
"Is that...BLOOD?"
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As Sir William and the staggering Elvis made their way to the exit, neither noticed the evil countenance of the one that followed them. He ....
