HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[MidasKnight]

@ both

[laurie]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Soon after the young lady's exams, she was called to the principal's office.

He told her that she had passed her exams with just adequate grades, except for the English exam. The jury was divided 50-50 on whether to pass her or not.

Said the principal: "Look miss, you are a promising student, but there is some doubt as to whether you have sufficient mastery of English. We'll set you one additional task. Based on its merit, the jury will pass you or not."

"We require you to write a story with as little words as possible, which contains all three elements: religion, sex and mystery."

"Use the desk in the corner. You have one hour."

After five minutes the young lady handed a single sheet of paper to the professor. He read:

Spoiler: show

"Oh my God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who the father is?"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

You have to love British humour! These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS; NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[voralfred]

And the WINNER is:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

I like this one, but you misquoted it. The original form was

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[voralfred]

With the situation in Japan, there are few reasons to be merry.

So just to brighten your day a little, a nice Harley joke I dedicate to our sweet friend SHG

Raced a Harley today

I raced a Harley the other night, and after some really hard riding I finally managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really, twisting sections of down hill roads with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "20 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the road. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant, I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

But now I was in the lead, and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the road, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the road.
I will always remember that moment.

Spoiler: show

I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh, as well. They really make a great bicycle.....

(no Harleys were hurt during the making of this post)

[sweetharleygirl]

Wah wah wah Good one Voralfred, good one!

[gollum]

Top 10 Reasons God Created Women

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

And the Number One reason of all....

1.

Spoiler: show

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that!!"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...
And the Number One reason of all....

1.

Spoiler: show

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that!!"

But there's something nagging me here, though I can't quite put my finger in on it ...

Ah, yes. The poster should have been a -stress. I mean female.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Research shatters myth of sex-on-the-brain men

The myth that men think about sex every seven seconds has been shattered, according to a new survey.

Fellas only have sex on the brain every two hours or so – and women will be surprised to find a lot more goes on up there.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-storie ... -23029287/

I feel vindicated, even though I ... Never mind.

[voralfred]

Research shatters myth of sex-on-the-brain men

The myth that men think about sex every seven seconds has been shattered, according to a new survey.(...)

Oh, come on. Since Herr Doktor Professor Sigmund Freud, everyone knows what's on a man's mind!

[laurie]

Messages in a Bottle


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.00 pm.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus.
Justin Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..."
Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black?
WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea...
Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain...
No one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012.
Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags
invaded our country and we got a little busy, OK?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die.
CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world.
I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

[laurie]

Nursery Rhymes (The PG-13 Versions)


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the Pill
And now they have a son.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you idiot' !!

********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay!

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad.........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

[sweetharleygirl]

Absolutely LOVE these!!!

[laurie]

God Loves A Good Laugh, Too!

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. S/He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. S/He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when S/He was dead, S/He had to get up because there was still work to do.

[laurie]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you care about. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.'

'The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'

[laurie]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim said, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, don't. I landed in New Zealand.'

[laurie]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer, smiled and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing, Sir!"

[laurie]

I've seen a lot of Bin Laden jokes recently, most of them in extremely poor taste, but I thought this one was rather clever.

Osama Bin Laden at the Pearly Gates

When Osama Bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates, slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped create!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama Bin Laden with a long cane and snarled "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Osama Bin Laden lay bleeding and in pain when an Angel appeared. Osama Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied,

Spoiler: show

"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from JoeKerr

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his 4 room-mate apartment to his new girlfriend, a college student led the way into his personal den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" the girl asked.

"That's my talking clock", the guy replied.

"How's it work?" she asked.

"Watch", the guy said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall: "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Dutch advertising

"HEMA" is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4th, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands.

Take a look at HEMA's product page. DON'T try to order anything (it's in Dutch anyway), but just wait a few seconds (+/- 7 sec.) and watch what happens. DON'T CLICK on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what happens.

This company has a great sense of humor and a great coder.

Put your browser in full screen (hit F11 ) for best view.

http://producten.hema.nl
(flash player required)

[laurie]

OMG, that was fantastic!

Spoiler: show

I loved the lamp's light hitting the magnifying glass which starts a fire which boils the teakettle...

[laurie]

The Shoebox

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, 'My grandmother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'That explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

I haven't posted a blonde joke in a while, so...

Seven Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi , a blonde in her fourth year as a USC Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question, then said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

... what Roe vs. Wade was about. ...

I thought they fought for a Burger. No?

[laurie]

... what Roe vs. Wade was about. ...

I thought they fought for a Burger. No?

Were they following Roberts' Rules of Order ?