HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:09 am

just leave the joke there. We switch over to a new page fairly frequently in this thread.

Post by **Mr. Titanic** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 12:42 pm

Yup, you just did actually!

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 12:46 pm

woo

go me.

ok... I guess I have to post something funny now.

PANTS!!!! (no? err... *thinks*)

okay, I think I found a joke that describes my parents' marriage perfectly

[quote]With a Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.â€

Nighteyes · Post by **Nighteyes** » Sat Mar 31, 2007 4:59 pm

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Greabo Girl · Post by **Greabo Girl** » Sun May 06, 2007 5:46 pm

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not
a Bacon Tree!"

...

...

...

...

Spoiler: show
"Ees... a.... ham bush"

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Wed May 16, 2007 12:44 pm

I have to tell you that one, it is too good!

I just heard it today, on the television, from the mouth of our new President, Nicolas Sarkozy. Today is when he officially took over. So they aired a lot about him, including some old interviews. He did not tell this today, but a few years ago, when he was already a rising star of French politics. It's just that they aired it again today.

First if you never saw him, I have to tell you that he really is not a movie star. Not only is he very short, but he has an ugly, funny face, with huge ears. And he even moves awkwardly, as if he was expecting his limbs to be longer than they are, somehow. And his voice is thin and rather high-pitched. He really does not have a lot of "natural" presence.

So I'll let him tell the story, which happened after one meeting or another, a few years ago, with his own words.

"So at the end of the meeting, here comes this nice lady to me, and she tells me:
-You know, Mr Sarkozy, I really like you!
-Well, thank you very much, Madam, but do you have a specific reason?
-Oh yes I do! Whenever I see you on the television, I call my son and I tell him:

Spoiler: show

Nighteyes · Post by **Nighteyes** » Sun May 20, 2007 8:41 am

There were three ducks in court, up before the Magistrate.

The first duck was asked, "what is your name and what are you charged with?"

The first duck replied, "my name is Quack and I am charged with blowing
bubbles underwater."

Then the magistrate asked the same question to the second duck, and the
second duck said his name was Quack Quack and he was also charged with
blowing bubbles underwater.

The magistrate started to get irritated and said to the third duck "I
suppose your name is Quack Quack Quack?" and the third duck replied, "No.
My name is Bubbles."

violetblue · Post by **violetblue** » Thu May 31, 2007 6:15 pm

Here's a joke for all my female comrades on the board:

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

Spoiler: show

Post by **laurie** » Thu May 31, 2007 7:24 pm

VB:

daetara · Post by **daetara** » Fri Jun 01, 2007 4:06 pm

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

Spoiler: show

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Sun Jun 03, 2007 1:19 pm

I thought this was an equal opportunity website, but I see that androphobic (or misandric) jokes are admitted...

Revolt, my brothers!

Post by **Kvetch** » Sun Jun 03, 2007 6:26 pm

I'm sure daetara would be happy to charactarise us as revolting...

daetara · Post by **daetara** » Sun Jun 03, 2007 6:36 pm

Post by **laurie** » Sun Jun 03, 2007 8:08 pm

I'd certainly comply with Master K's request for characterization.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Wed Jun 20, 2007 3:34 pm

A man is presented with two neckties by his mother-in-law for his birthday.

A few days later, his wife invites her mother for dinner. Of course ,the husband wears one of the two neckties. But the mother-in-law looks unhappy, grumpy, and despite the best efforts of the young couple to please the older lady, a very heavy atmosphere spoils the whole evening.
Finally, upon leaving, she whispers in her daughter's ear:

Spoiler: show

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Wed Jun 20, 2007 9:50 pm

this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan)

if we assume that this joke was written by a female, that line would forever destroy the conceit that there could be a perfect woman.

Post by **Mr. Titanic** » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:19 pm

You, my friend, are brilliant.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Thu Jun 21, 2007 1:59 am

Do you two, bob k.mando, and MrTitanic, realise just whom you are antagonising? You are lucky she is away for a week, but when she returns her vengence will be... I'd rather not imagine!

Post by **Mr. Titanic** » Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:28 am

*Is all powerful and doesn't care.*

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:52 pm

Do you two, bob k.mando, and MrTitanic, realise just whom you are antagonising?

that you would ever think to ask such a thing of me implies VERY STRONGLY that you have no idea who i am, nor my former reputation on this board.

have no fear. Kilty will let me fend for myself.

violetblue · Post by **violetblue** » Sat Jun 23, 2007 6:37 pm

Arf, arf, Mr. T. 'Nuff said.

Bobby obviously hasn't learned there's a new sheriff in town. No more sass or I'll send daetara kitty after you!

Maybe this is what daetara actually looks like:

Post by **Mr. Titanic** » Sat Jun 23, 2007 6:50 pm

Watch yourself, Violetblue.

violetblue · Post by **violetblue** » Tue Jun 26, 2007 3:29 pm

Living in Indiana, and having relatives in Kentucky, I'm always on the lookout for jokes:

A Hallmark card only available in Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia:

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Tue Jun 26, 2007 3:52 pm

violetblue wrote:Living in Indiana, and having relatives in Kentucky, I'm always on the lookout for jokes:

A Hallmark card only available in Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia:

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

I hope I misunderstood this joke, but I am very afraid I understood it correctly....

daetara · Post by **daetara** » Tue Jun 26, 2007 6:51 pm

violetblue wrote:Arf, arf, Mr. T. 'Nuff said.

Bobby obviously hasn't learned there's a new sheriff in town. No more sass or I'll send daetara kitty after you!

Maybe this is what daetara actually looks like:

that is totally AWESOME!!!! i'll have to give my publicist a raise...

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HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Presidential joke