A home for our "Off-Topic" Chats. Like to play games? Tell jokes? Shoot the breeze about nothing at all ? Here is the place where you can hang out with the IBDoF Peanut Gallery and have some fun.
A snippet of conversation I overheard at work the other day:
Speaker One: "I have a CD player." Her empty eyes blink, devoid of all thought. She slurps loudly upon a pepsi and stuffs a hunk of food in her gaping maw, chewing noisily...
Speaker Two: "Oh really?" As if it's unusual to have a CD player... She looks about, her cock-eyed stare scanning the cafeteria.
Speaker One: "Yeah. And it plays CDs."
I lost it on that one. No one could figure out why I was laughing so hard
/me sighs--half my co-workers must've eaten paintchips when they were kids...
"A writer's chosen task is to write well and professionally. If you can't keep doing it, then you're no longer a professional, but a gifted amateur." L. E. Modessit, jr.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift the lid and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him into the bathroom.
4. In one swift motion, place cat in toilet, close lid and stand on
top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus
from inside the toilet, the cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet three or four times. This provides power rinsing and
is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door. Stand as far from the toilet as
possible and lift the lid, preferably with a long stick.
8. Clean cat will shoot out of the toilet and rocket outdoors, where
he will quickly air dry.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He is a big man wearing a fancy suit, a Rolex watch, just oozing with money. The only thing strange about him is that his head is about half as big as it should be. After a couple a drinks, a drunk comes up and asks “hey, man, what happen to you head.â€
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
THE MARINE SNAPPED TO ATTENTION, SALUTED AND SAID, "SEE YOU TOMORROW, SIR!"
A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?
And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have
a beer."
_______________________________________
SUPERSEX
An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time .but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
Two old women were sitting and reminiscing and one said to the other “Do you remember the minuet?â€
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 9 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
Some problems can be solved by pissing and moaning!!?? - please don't tell my users that; they'll never stop
Some may call it bravery, some call it stupidity...
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out being confronted at the door by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"So, anyway, I'm standing in line to buy you a freakin' birthday card and the line is like seventeen billion people long 'cause the only thing the dumb teenage boy at the register is thinking about is the dumb teenage girl at the other register, and some dumb lady is turning her purse inside out to come up with "exact change," like she's gonna win some kind of "exact change trophy" or something, and some idiot starts up with his "This item was marked with the sale price" crap, and I just really hope you like this card...."
*open card*
"'Cause I stole it."
i thought it was funny.
"Life is trial and error. Those who succeed are those who survive their failures and keep trying." - LE Modesitt, Jr.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Jesus,
No Wal-Mart,
No television,
No cheerleaders,
No baseball,
No football,
No basketball,
No hockey,
No golf,
No tailgate parties.
No Home Depot.
No pork BBQ,
No hot dogs,
No burgers,
No lobster,
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks,
No gumbo,
No jambalaya.
MORE THAN ONE WIFE (extra nagging).
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No erotica
NO CHRISTMAS.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
"A writer's chosen task is to write well and professionally. If you can't keep doing it, then you're no longer a professional, but a gifted amateur." L. E. Modessit, jr.
/me sends Helen L a complimentary bottle of "Eau de Donkey", a Bhurka, and a proposal to become my 2nd wife (just kidding - just a small counterpunch for a friendly insult received earlier)
They say opposites attract, and as I say to all my friends who are getting married, My Condolences.
/you better get a lifetime subscription you’ll going need it
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
I've also been boning up on my dictionary reading ...
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.......................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic............................... No tits
Average looking.................... Ugly
Beautiful..................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.............. Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.................. On medication
Feminist................................ Fat
Free spirit............................. Junkie
Friendship first....................... Former slut
Fun...................................... Annoying
New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned............................. No BJs
Open-minded............................. Desperate
Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate............................ Sloppy drunk
Professional............................. Bitch
Voluptuous............................... Very Fat
Large frame.............................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate.......................... Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Eh Hmm, perhaps you are unfamiliar with the story?
For those of you who don't know - Here is a recap of the joke used in the This or That? thread:
Three explorers were captured by natives. There were brought before the chief and the whole tribe gathered around. The explorers were changed with various crimes and were given two choices Death or Bunga Bunga. The first said, “I don’t want to die give me Bunga Bunga.â€
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
A Dead Horse
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
No one could figure out why I was laughing so hard
