HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[Echus Cthulhu Mythos]

Excellent!
I like the Hawaii one a lot.

[laurie]

My favorites are Michigan, Nevada and Texas.

[Echus Cthulhu Mythos]

Being not from the US, it is a bit more difficult for me to pick up the humour on many of them. But nevertheless, they are quite amusing.

[laurie]

Michigan is on the border with Canada.

Nevada is where gambling and prostitution are legal. (think Las Vegas)

Texas is on the border with Mexico, and has a LARGE Hispanic population.

[Kvetch]

heee heee

[Greabo Girl]

Excellent!
I like the Hawaii one a lot.

You would...

[nzilla]

A better Oregon one would be "Half hippies, half fundamentalists, all trees."

[laurie]

A better Oregon one would be "Half hippies, half fundamentalists, all trees."

I thought the Spotted Owl one was a bit lame. Yours is great !

[mccormack44]

For Echus

The U. S. has three "great rivers" — the upper Mississippi, the Missouri-Mississippi, and the Ohio. The Missouri-Mississippi borders northwestern Missouri, then crosses the state between Kansas City and St. Louis, joins the upper Mississippi near St. Louis, then borders the eastern edge of the state on its way to the Gulf. The Ohio joins this major-major river at the south end of Illinois, which is the extreme southeastern tip of our state. Obviously, we get affected by many of the major floods in the U. S.

Sue

[mccormack44]

Since I've just entered this thread for the first time, I only just found Tollbaby's note on knowing provinces and/or states and/or European countries and their capitals.

I'm very good at recognition for the U. S. (states and capitals), fairly good for Canadian Provinces (not so sure of capitals, but can name a major city and assign the correct province), less good at Europe. Recall is shakier, but that's because I have memory quirks. (For example, you say to me, "I'll be leaving for Detroit tomorrow." Five minutes later, someone asks, "Where were they going?" Me: "Oh, somewhere in MichConSota." It's not that I don't remember where Detroit is, I just lump the destination into this three-state area. I don't know why.)

Anyway, that wasn't what I'd intended to post. For accidental reasons, I can place my thumb on a featureless map of the U. S. (it's easier with state outlines though) and cover any place that has been my home for at least one year. One thumb placement covers the first fifty-five years of my life, one thumb placement covers the next seven, and the final placement covers the last sixteen.

Since thumbs are big in map scale, this isn't terribly hard, but I wonder if it's as easy for others of you?

Sue

[laurie]

I could do it - I've lived in the same place all my life, and it's pretty easy to locate even with a "blank" U.S. map. (Upstate NY's western border is "odd" because of Lake Ontario)

[mccormack44]

Yep, that's the type of clues I use.

Can anyone else do it?

Sue

[Kvetch]

I can, but my country is rather smaller (and I have lived in obvious places - London is on a huge estury (sp?), and Sheffield is in almost exactly the middle of the UK.)

[tollbaby]

mine's pretty easy (I live at the top of the fish tail in Ontario)

hehe I've stopped trying to explain to my mom where my ... um... friend lives, so I just tell her I'm going to Chicago (since that's the airport I have to fly into)... and since I have SEVERAL friends who live in the same general area, but they're all in different states, I just tell her they're all from Chicago (mom's not very good with states she's never been to, but ask her about Vermont or Connecticut... hoo boy).

[Aunflin]

Well, I'm from northwest Missouri (the squiggly area in...well, the northwest of Missouri--the ol' Platte Purchase) and currently live in St. Louis City (South St. Louis, to be exact)), and I used to be better at recognizing states, countries, capitols, and etc... But I think I can manage well enough.

[felonius]

The former occupant of my current room left behind a large Rand McNally World map on the wall - it's right above my desk and fun to scrutinize when I'm not working.

I've always liked how India looks like a big...what do you call those things that form from dripping water in caves?

[mccormack44]

Stalactites — and you're right tho I'd never thought of it that way.

National Geographic maps are prettier than Rand McNally Maps.

[felonius]

Yes they are - my roomate my first year of school had an enormous one that covered one entire wall of our room - it was a work of art.

We didn't have too much in common though - he was a commerce major.

[Ghost]

Aunflin/Kilt/Brad can you break this thread at Ms. Mccormack44’s Sun Apr 24, 2005 Post [Since I’ve just . . .] – create a new thread in The Margins under “Mapping 101â€

[tollbaby]

*hums* Stalagmites and stalactites, only caves have got'em...
Stalactites are on the top, the mites are on the bottom.....

Berenstain Bears was good for something, anyway

[Darb]

Ok, someone sent me this one ... it's more inspirational than it is humor, but since it's still related to the subject of e-jokes, I thought I'd post it anyway.

Subject: Why We Forward Jokes. A nice Moral Story

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like Mother Of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have
some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, come in too?" the traveler asked

I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road that led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us
without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy,
but still want to keep in touch, Guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke. So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think
that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been
thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. Thinking about you! Have a great day.

Ok, as a bit of an academic footnote to the above story, I thought I'd point out that the motif of someone declining to enter heaven because they couldnt bring their dog (only to discover afterwards that in doing so they escaped going to hell) is a moral theme that dates back a long long time.

The earliest instance I've encountered is in the great Hindu epic, The Mahabarata, during the final chapters of which 'Yudishtira' refuses to enter Nirvana because he was forbidden to bring his dog. If the idea of reading a foreign epic is a bit intimidating, you can also watch an excellent film adaptation produced by director Peter Brook. Highly recommended.

[Kahrey]

A Bathroom Poem To Men

The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee.
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see there is a hole?

Out in the woods, they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."
But in the house, it's plain to see
there is a bowl in which you pee!

(It's usually white and kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?

If not control, then tell me why
they make my bathroom such a sty?
Come on guys, get a clue!
You know what you have to do.

Be a human - not a pig
and don't forget to lift the lid.
When you're done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush.

Then take the lid and push it down
(don't make us women feel like clowns)
Falling in, it is not fun
getting water on your buns.

Zip up your pants and you're all done
now wasn't that a lot of fun?
Keep this little poem in mind
Your woman will find you very kind.


For other bathroom humor, go to http://www.bathroomlife.com.

And there's a survey here: http://www.bathroomsurvey.com.

Quite hilarious I must say.

[Kahrey]

A Romantic Poem - Redneck Style

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue,
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.

Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together; like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor!

[Kahrey]

Because Kieran though it was amusing and because I nearly died with laughter. Just one of the many hilarious things that happen at work. This happened today.

For you to understand, I must tell you about this guy.

Troy is in his late twenties. He is a black guy, tall and skinny. He keeps a mustache and his hair is always braidied to his head to the back of his neck. He has a deeper, more raspy voice. He never bends his back, except for the fact that he kinda sticks his chest out, and he kinda walks funny and holds his mouth funny. None of us are sure, but we think he may have some type of mental problem. He doesn't seem to get some things, and he surely doesn't understand what "hurry up" means. I'm not trying to be mean, I love him to death. He is hilarious.

Well, this is what happened today between two shift managers, Hope and Ashley, and Troy. It probably won't be as funny to yall, but I was about to die with laughter.


HOPE: Troy, what time do you get off?

TROY: (holds up four fingers)

HOPE: You get off at four?

TROY: (walks away)

ASHLEY: Troy don't get off at four. He gets off at five!

HOPE: Troy, you get off at five?

TROY: (nods head)

HOPE: Well how come you held up four fingers when I asked what time you got off? (becoming frustrated)

TROY: Well, my thumb won't work. (shakes hand violently) I jammed it yesterday. (walks off solemnly)


Poor Troy probably didn't realise what we were laughing about. Oh, I could not stop.

[Kvetch]

Here's on I've just been sent. I must share the pain

THE RABBIT




A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.




It says...






(Are you ready for this?)







(Are you sure?)






(This is bad!)






(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)






(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)







(You know you're gonna be sorry)






(Last chance)







(OK, here it is)






It says,






"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."