HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 6:31 pm

aaaahhhhhhhh. much better!

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Jan 01, 2004 12:29 am

you know all those explanations of political systems as farmers and cows? well, i've finally found one that i think really exemplifies what i think:

democracy - three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner
republic - the sheep pick which wolves vote on dinner
constitutional republic - voting on dinner is strictly prohibited and the sheep are armed

as a scotsman, i have to say that i find the idea of armed sheep ... extremely exciting.

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Fri Jan 02, 2004 1:21 pm

Thats a Scotsman for ya... first they want the sheep to have arms... then lips... etc, etc, etc... soon the sheep are complaining that they are spending too much time at the pub and don't buy them flowers anymore. You guys can ruin anything!

Post by **Darb** » Tue Jan 06, 2004 6:37 pm

Got this one in an e-mail today ...

Weapons of Math Instruction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Post by **Darb** » Tue Jan 20, 2004 3:36 pm

(snip)

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F).

For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.

The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessertâ€™s temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses.

Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesnâ€™t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.

The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Post by **Darb** » Thu Jan 29, 2004 2:51 pm

Funny/gross article ...

"Whale Explodes In Taiwanese City"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/3437455.stm

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Thu Jan 29, 2004 4:24 pm

Serves the buggers right!

mrdude · Post by **mrdude** » Sat Jan 31, 2004 12:16 pm

Ok so a guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him a little funny but gives him a beer. After a while of sitting and drinking the bartender asks the man what he has on his should and the man answers "oh this is tiny" the bartend looks at him again and asks "well why do you call him tiny" and the man looks at hum and says "well he's minute"

mrdude · Post by **mrdude** » Sat Jan 31, 2004 12:34 pm

oh and since people put up the hamsterdance I must also be weird and put up things too.

badgers

Gonads and strife

hat

Laid Off

Insert silence Go to the one labled aug 16th in the small box uper left corner of page!

Eskimo Bob click on episodes

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Wed Feb 04, 2004 11:18 am

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully ....... for the last time ...... I said..... ! "BRING POSSE!"

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Wed Feb 04, 2004 12:35 pm

Got this one in email...

Companion Wanted
(This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It
appeared in the Atlanta Journal.)

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very
good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding
in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hands. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the
front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404)875-6429 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about
an 8-week old black Labrador.

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 1:24 am

Q:
What does Michael Jackson like so much about twenty-eight year olds?

A:
Well it's obvious, there's TWENTY of them.

c'mere, i'ma dope slap you one.

Post by **Darb** » Mon Feb 09, 2004 10:06 am

/me offers BKM a soda-can that's been refilled with "Jesus Juice".

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Mon Feb 09, 2004 12:28 pm

Why do the French plant trees along the sides of the roads?

German's like to march in the shade

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Feb 12, 2004 11:00 pm

heh, has someone perhaps been reading 'the military history of france' recently?

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Fri Feb 13, 2004 2:01 pm

A French Officer was talking with a Brittish Officer during the Revolutionary War...

F: Why do the Brit officers wear Red Coats?

B: So that when they are shot, the men will not see the blood and will be brave while the wounded officer continues to lead them into battle.

F: Great idea! Building on that idea, I will recommend that from now on all French officers wear brown pants into battle!

Post by **Darb** » Thu Feb 19, 2004 7:24 pm

Ever search the internet for you own name ?

I did so and discovered that I'm an author !

[EDIT: snip]

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Fri Feb 20, 2004 1:30 pm

Q: Why did Michael Jackson decide he needed to quite the Boy Scouts?

A: He was going through a pack a day!

Post by **Darb** » Mon Feb 23, 2004 10:46 am

JACKO: From now on, I'm sticking with twenty eight year olds.

D.SAWYER: Really ?

JACKO: Yeah ... because there's twenty of em

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Mon Feb 23, 2004 11:55 am

Brad... you just stepped on BKMs toes (look about 7 posts above yours).

Post by **Darb** » Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:46 pm

Whoops ... forgot that joke was already told by someone

My bad.

Post by **Darb** » Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:40 pm

Here's a link for the easily amused ... very therapeutic for those who encounter errors with MS Word.

http://www.inicia.es/de/Turbo_J/metele.html

I nearly laughed myself sick.

Post by **Darb** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 1:09 pm

(snip)

THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes
a true story from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Recently a routine police patrol
parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell
into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes
as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking
lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over, and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Post by **Darb** » Wed Mar 17, 2004 4:02 pm

Old Customs Die Hard

Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are now happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked. "But why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change"

"Land mines," said the woman.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and
walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me
lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna sh*t!"

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 6:27 pm

and now sherman, we're going to enter the wayback machine and return to 1990:

If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else make a noise?