Even the bit about "squirrel guns" ?laurie wrote:Gee, Kahrey, I do all those things - does that make ME a redneck?
/me falls in LOVE ...
HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)
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laurie
- Spelling Mistress
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- Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2004 2:52 am
- Location: The part of New York where "flurries" means 2 feet of snow to shovel
Well, maybe not the squirrel gun part, but I used to be pretty good at plinking soda cans - and the odd crow or two - with my brother's BB rifle. 
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
I like this one.
Subject: Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
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Kvetch
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here's one I was actually emailed (a first for me):
It's for the american maths (or math) teaching system i think, but It's still amusing - to me at least
In 1960:
"A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?"
In 1970 (traditional maths):
"A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words, £80. What is his profit?"
In 1970 (new maths):
"A logger exchanges as set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth £1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent set C as a subset M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?"
In 1980:
"A logger sells a truckload of wood for £100. His cost of production is £80, and his profit is £20. Your assignment: underline the number 20."
In 1990 (Outcome Based Education):
"By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)"
It's for the american maths (or math) teaching system i think, but It's still amusing - to me at least
In 1960:
"A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?"
In 1970 (traditional maths):
"A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words, £80. What is his profit?"
In 1970 (new maths):
"A logger exchanges as set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth £1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent set C as a subset M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?"
In 1980:
"A logger sells a truckload of wood for £100. His cost of production is £80, and his profit is £20. Your assignment: underline the number 20."
In 1990 (Outcome Based Education):
"By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)"
"I'm the family radical. The rest are terribly stuffy. Aside from Aunt - she's just odd."
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Kvetch
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well, *I* find this amusing.
Q) How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A1) 10,001. 1 to change the bulb and 10,000 to rebuild civilisation to the point where it can use light bulbs again.
A2) 5. 1 to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, 4 to pick the chair up and keep turning it round until the bulb is screwed in.
A3) What light bulb ? There was no light bulb in the first place, and anyone who says any different will find themselves in a Syrian dungeon for re-education about the patriotic usage of electricity.
A4) None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
A5) None. There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision and nothing has happened to change our minds. People who criticize this light bulb now, just because it doesn’t work anymore, supported us when we first screwed it in, and when these flip-floppers insist on saying that is burned out, they are merely giving aid and encouragement to the Forces of Darkness.
"I'm the family radical. The rest are terribly stuffy. Aside from Aunt - she's just odd."
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Kvetch
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- Location: North of the Sun and East of Chaos
- Contact:
Here is something I just got sent, and I think it is hysterical. If you want to disagree, I'm perfectly willing to nip over to the Soapbox for a barney
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
- John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (the Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
- Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
- Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
- You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
- You will learn that the suffix burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
- Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
- Look up "interspersed."
- There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled only by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation. Great Britain.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
- John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (the Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
- Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
- Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
- You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
- You will learn that the suffix burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
- Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
- Look up "interspersed."
- There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should be handled only by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation. Great Britain.
"I'm the family radical. The rest are terribly stuffy. Aside from Aunt - she's just odd."
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laurie
- Spelling Mistress
- Posts: 8164
- Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2004 2:52 am
- Location: The part of New York where "flurries" means 2 feet of snow to shovel
Priceless, Kvetch ! 
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN !
(She'll need His help dealing with us ...)
Now do I get an invitation to Charles' and Camilla's wedding?
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN !
(She'll need His help dealing with us ...)
Now do I get an invitation to Charles' and Camilla's wedding?
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
Beautiful!
Just as a footnote to the comedy: National Geographic did a survey a few years ago of young Americans aged eighteen to twenty four. The results were quite frightening:for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders
87% could not find Iraq on the map.
63% could not find England on the map.
11% could not find the United States on the globe.
Last edited by felonius on Sat Mar 26, 2005 7:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
Colourless green ideas sleep furiously
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tollbaby
- anything but this ...
- Posts: 6827
- Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2003 11:03 am
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario
- Contact:
yeah, that last stat's always frightened me... not only can most Canadian kids leaving grade 6 identify their own country on a globe, we can generally identify (without markings) all the provinces, name their capitals, and some of us smarter kids could name all the States and *their* capitals, AND identify every country in Europe (bit more difficult now, you keep changing them round).
silly yanks (what's that Steven? Stupid Frenchies? Bite me.)
silly yanks
(what's that Steven? Stupid Frenchies? Bite me.)And what manner of jackassery must we put up with today? ~ Danae, Non Sequitur
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Kvetch
- Sweeper
- Posts: 11844
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While I couldn't find Iraq, I could find North America ("its above the continent shaped like a swede" is admittedly my mnemonic, but hey!) I would have better luck with Europe (not MUCH better I'll admit). I couldn't name many counties or their county towns.
Hmm. time to get the map out I suppose.
incidentally, I've been rereading my David Eddings. In one of the Belgariad books, there is mention of a rutabaga farmer. For years I thought it some made up obscure vegetable. While browsing wikipedia yesterday, do you know what I found? that they are damned swedes!
question: do they actually broadcast Taggart with subtitles?
Hmm. time to get the map out I suppose.
incidentally, I've been rereading my David Eddings. In one of the Belgariad books, there is mention of a rutabaga farmer. For years I thought it some made up obscure vegetable. While browsing wikipedia yesterday, do you know what I found? that they are damned swedes!
question: do they actually broadcast Taggart with subtitles?
"I'm the family radical. The rest are terribly stuffy. Aside from Aunt - she's just odd."
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wolfspirit
- MST3K
- Posts: 3048
- Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2003 12:39 pm
Yes Stupid Frenchies.tollbaby wrote:yeah, that last stat's always frightened me... not only can most Canadian kids leaving grade 6 identify their own country on a globe, we can generally identify (without markings) all the provinces, name their capitals, and some of us smarter kids could name all the States and *their* capitals, AND identify every country in Europe (bit more difficult now, you keep changing them round).
silly yanks
We had to memorize every country in Europe and their capitals in our Western Civ class last year. Made me decide to never go to Europe.
Steven
magicfan241
PS: There is TWO Steven's now! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'm embarrassed to say my mom sent me this one:
An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife
tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I
will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
"A writer's chosen task is to write well and professionally. If you can't keep doing it, then you're no longer a professional, but a gifted amateur." L. E. Modessit, jr.
NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothin. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc; but, kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food.
Tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher cause he nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shootin. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys back home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own bullets. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best
they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
"A writer's chosen task is to write well and professionally. If you can't keep doing it, then you're no longer a professional, but a gifted amateur." L. E. Modessit, jr.