HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Post by **Darb** » Wed Oct 15, 2003 2:35 pm

Say, since mad cow disease causes brain rot, does that means it turns oxen into oxymorons ?

D'oh

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 5:17 am

mooooooooooooo

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 5:25 am

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of locals and had the sh*t kicked out of him.

Post by **Darb** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 10:49 am

I'm sorry I wasn't there to help beat him - my baseball bat hasn't seen action lately, and it's feeling kinda neglected

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Oct 16, 2003 9:16 pm

yeah, the really sad thing is that college station, Texas (the home of Texas A&M) never really gets cold enough for nippleage anyways.

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Mon Dec 15, 2003 6:57 pm

In the book "Raise the Titanic"... didn't the hero stumble upon that mayo store rotting away... and say Eu reek a?

I've read two books about raising the Titanic. One was a very good Matt Helm action story. The other was a Clive Cussler book featuring his unkillable hero Dirk Pitt.

These two heros BOTH raised the Titanic, but is seperate decades.

Matt Helm and Dirk Pitt are wonderful, endearing men of action.

Are there any new Cussler books out now? NUMA is sweet!

Post by **KiltanneN** » Mon Dec 15, 2003 8:18 pm

IBDOF-author-booklist.php?author=30

I believe Valhalla rising is the latest adventure of the unkillable Dirk...

featuring none other a character than Dad - Clive Cussler himself...

kilt

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Mon Dec 15, 2003 8:28 pm

Kilty: The link to buy from Amazon is not working. Page service!

Post by **KiltanneN** » Mon Dec 15, 2003 8:54 pm

OK - link to buy Valhalla rising now fixed - Great book - Also a great book is the one before it - Atlantis found... That is the one I recall seeing our man Clive make a cameo...

And entire page now serviced - while Clive Cussler does have a few more books he's written - the Dirk Pitt novels are all up to date [ish] anyway - anybody is welcome to round out his bibliography

kilt

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 11:09 am

Cussler makes a cameo in almost (possibly all) of the Dirk Pitt novels.

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 12:30 pm

I've read the lot of them save for the last. I no longer frequent book stores, so I don't see the new ones come out.

I like how he wraps a mystery around an historical fact. These books entertain me, like Wing Commander does

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 7:58 pm

I've read most of them - but like most authors these days they do seem to be getting longer. I stopped about three novels back I think (after the the one were the bad guys were Japanese and he spent three months crawling along the ocean floor in some machine), but then I found Valhalla Rising lying around in a Singapore hotel last year and that is in my to be read pile (long way down though).

I really enjoyed the early ones when younger and before realising that Dirk Pitt was going to be invincible.

sE

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Tue Dec 16, 2003 10:53 pm

really now, i simply MUST protest. talk about taking a thread totally off topic, i haven't seen a single example of lame, stupid, tasteless humor in the last 7 posts.

unless, unless, YES! colin, i bow before your devious implication that dirk pitt books are lame, stupid, and tasteless .

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 1:15 am

I aim to please. More tomorrow:) Just for you.

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 5:02 am

Just for BKM

1st man: All Canadians are Hookers or Hockey Players

2nd Man: Hey! My girlfriend's Canadian.

1st Man: Really? What position does she play?

s'boom boom'E

Post by **Darb** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 4:42 pm

ok, back on topic then ...

(snip)

What ordering from Pizza Hut will be like in a few years ...

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr.Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh?I'm at home.Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, Sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance
is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

Post by **Darb** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 6:23 pm

Here's another

The Italian Mother

Mrs Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner,
who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" Anthony replied, "
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from
my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,
Momma

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:25 pm

Memorial Stone

A woman's husband died. He had only $20,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 a few
days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well the funeral home cost $6,000. And of course, I made the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone!? My God, how big is it?"

Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:27 pm

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I might have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 29, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am just looking for a girl with big hooters.

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:38 pm

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around, wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor, quite the dead little fly.

So, what is this moral of this sad little story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of ****."

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:43 pm

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had bettercall the BMW a**hole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called a**hole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an a**hole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"a**hole, I live at 802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."

Then I called a**hole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello a**hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance.. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th St. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.

There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

Now, I feel better.

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:52 pm

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I really hate drawing welfare. I would much rather find a job and do an honest day's work than be paid for doing nothing."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:54 pm

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man walks over and engages the hands
free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 3:55 pm

Once upon a time there was a female
brain cell which by mistake
happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it
was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a
little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to
feel alone and scared and
yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from
far, far away.

"We're down here."

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 4:20 pm

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah - no more please my brain is going to explode!

The Internet Book Database of Fiction

HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Warning - Clive Cussler/ Dirk Pitt spoiler - !!!

Memorial Stone