HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Fri Aug 08, 2003 8:46 pm

the joesterizer frogbender 2000
the joke is a lot older than the cartoon

the funniest one was the gerbil in the piranha tank but you've got to pay to get to that one now. bummer.

and then there's the pure subversiveness of the satanic hamsterdance
but it's only funny after you've loaded the vanilla hamsterdance once to often

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 4:11 pm

Q: what do you call a girl with no arms and no legs between two pieces of bread?

A: Patty

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 4:13 pm

ancient chinese wise man say:
man who jog in front of car get run down feeling.

man who jog behind car get exhausted.

there's a bunch more but i can't remember them. feel free to fill in the rest for me.

Post by **Darb** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 5:36 pm

Perhaps we should go back to the puns ?

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 9:21 pm

you can't stop me brad, you can only supply lousy humor of your own.

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 9:31 pm

There once was a man from Nantuckett...
Who met a fine girl and said Puckett
For Kirbys daughter she was
and her hair was like fuzz
uncombable hair made her say....

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Mon Aug 11, 2003 9:33 pm

There was once a young man called Ghandi
Who went into the bar for a Shandy
With his long loin cloth
He wiped off the froth
And the barman said "blimey - thats handy!"

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Tue Aug 12, 2003 1:03 pm

OK... got this one on email today:

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in
> their bedroom.
> "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think
> it's about time we start
> cussing."
> The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
> The 6-year-old continues. "When we go
> downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
> say "hell" and you say "ass."
> "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
> Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks
> the 6-year-old what he wants
> for breakfast.
> "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
> Cheerios."
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
> across the kitchen floor, gets
> up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with
> his mother in hot
> pursuit, slapping his rear every step.
> The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can
> just stay there till I let
> you out!"
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the
> 4-year-old, and asks with a
> stern voice, "And what do YOU want for
> breakfast young man?"
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet

> your fat ass it won't be
> Cheerios."----

Damn right... I'll take lucky charms.

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Tue Aug 12, 2003 9:02 pm

ahaha, torturing younger siblings is so much fun it's worth the investment of a little pain.

side note: when my sister was 5 i drove her crazy for ~ a week by being sure to tell her that she was a 'sibling' (inflected as though it was a horrible insult "you sibling, you"). my parents thought it was so funny they played along a little ( "but ~name changed to protect the motor mouth~, you ARE a sibling"). when i finally told her what it meant she socked me.

for some strange reason i don't think she's ever forgiven me for that.

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Tue Aug 12, 2003 9:04 pm

Q: what's worse than a pit bull with AIDS?

A: the man who gave it too him.

what? why are you all looking at me?

Post by **Darb** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 9:05 am

Sibling - lol ... now THAT is funny.

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 11:55 am

BKM...2 Qs:

1. did she think siblins was a disease or a state of being?

2. Why did you tell her the truth?

Post by **Darb** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 12:14 pm

/me gets into the juvenile spirit of the conversation by cupping a hand under the opposite armpit, and pumping said arm up & down in order to make rude noises

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Wed Aug 13, 2003 9:03 pm

A1: that's what was so great about it. i never gave any implications about the concrete definition ..... i just acted like "siblings" were disgusting (which actually, they can be until everybody grows up and moves out on their own

).

bob - go away, i don't want to play with you, you're a sibling.

sis (on the edge of a nervous breakdown) - i am not!

bob - sure you are, just go ask dad ..... (dad was great for backing me up on these kinds of things)

A2: what, you think the 'rents are going to let that kind of thing go on forever? you think she didn't have any reading skillz at all? she was just starting to read which was the only reason this worked. otherwise she'd have picked up a dictionary and found out for herself within 5 minutes. as it was i figured it was only a matter of time before she asked a teacher or friend who would actually know.

also, while finding a way to tease her that met with parental (non-dis)approval was a spectacular accomplishment for a 12yr old (if i do say so myself) being able to tell her "wow, i really put one over one you" is it's own satisfaction.

i probably shouldn't gloat about this too much. she's liable to swing by the board someday and get antagonized into doing something drastic.

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:49 pm

Like post those embarrasing pics of you at 6... in superman underwear...

or worse....

post those embarrasing pics of you at 26... in superman underwear...

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Fri Aug 15, 2003 2:39 pm

Just lifted these off espn...enjoy:

See, crazy stuff happens when the country's being run by a Dick, a Bush and a Colin

The world is so screwed up now ... the best golfer is black, the best rapper is white, and the tallest basketball player is Chinese

I love America

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Fri Aug 15, 2003 8:34 pm

at least being a bush he doesn't spend every waking moment looking for some.

on to more lousy, tasteless, old humor

Q: what did rock hudson say to his wife on their honeymoon?

A: roll over and take it like a man.

Trebor1503 · Post by **Trebor1503** » Thu Aug 28, 2003 11:59 am

How do you catch the last remaining animal of a species?

Unique up on it.

I dedicate this joke to Brad

Post by **Darb** » Thu Aug 28, 2003 12:58 pm

Q: You know why Rock Hudson asked to be buried face down ?

A: So that his friends could stop by for "a cold one"

The same joke's been said about Liberace too

Post by **Darb** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 3:59 pm

My sister forwarded this one to me ...

Management parables...

Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

----------------------------------------------

Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

----------------------------------------------

Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

----------------------------------------------

Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along,
they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was
walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey!

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Oct 02, 2003 9:09 pm

you know why 77 is better than 69 don't you?

you get eight more.

Post by **Darb** » Thu Oct 02, 2003 9:11 pm

If you were a lady, I'd say you deserved a proper TONGUE LASHING for a joke that bad ... but you're not, no NM

Post by **Darb** » Thu Oct 09, 2003 11:33 am

If you really wish to lower your opinion of your fellow man, check this out ...

Dead bug auction on e-bay http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?Vi ... 2955284119

/me briefly wonders about the potential riches attainable by drying & selling own excrement

Lily · Post by **Lily** » Thu Oct 09, 2003 12:55 pm

The seller is using reverse psychcology. Maybe not. Maybe I just fell off the turnip wagon.

Lily

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Tue Oct 14, 2003 9:21 pm

speaking of scottish jokes -
Q: why do scotsmen wear the kilt?

A: gosh n begorrah lad! dontcha ya know tha a sheep caan hear a zipper from over a hundred feet away? no wonder you've been so lonely.

tha one's a bit simple in the head, he is.

new zealand, where the men are men and the sheep are scared.
i originally heard this last in relation to the great state of montana but it's much more relevant THIS way.