The Evil Overlord / Evil Emperess Thread

[Darb]

Ahem ... since I will be weilding supreme power for the next 3 days, I've taken the liberty of sharing with you a list of reminders and suggestions I've assembled for myself over the years. All of them are now in effect. Please familiarize yourselves with this list, so that you don't unwittingly run afoul of the death penalty, which is the only form of punishment now in effect.

(I'm kidding)

Things to Remember When I Become Evil an Overlord:
{adapted by Brad, original author unknown}

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. On my computers, a small error such as and illogical statement or damage to an input device will not cause the computer to explode. If one computer explodes, none of the rest of my computers will explode. If any of my computers explode, this will not cause my master power generators to explode destroying my entire fortress.
101. If I am going to set off an explosion to destroy my opponents it won't have a big display showing how many seconds until the explosion. The explosion will just go off when I press the button.
102. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
103. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
104. I will make it clear that I *do* know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
105. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
106. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
107. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
108. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
109. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
110. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
111. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
112. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
113. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
114. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
115. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
116. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
117. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
118. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
119. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
120. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
121. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
122. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
123. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
124. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
125. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
126. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
127. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
128. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
129. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
130. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
131. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
132. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
133. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
134. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
135. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
136. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
137. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
138. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
139. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
140. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
141. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir(in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat).Either way, there's no point in entering.
142. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
143. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grand kids.
144. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
145. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
146. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
147. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
148. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: un trusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
149. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
150. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
151. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
152. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
153. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
154. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
155. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
156. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
157. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Super weapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
158. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
159. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
160. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
161. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
162. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
163. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
164. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
165. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
166. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
167. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
168. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
169. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
170. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
171. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
172. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by repelling down from above.
173. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
174. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
175. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down tome, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
176. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
177. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
178. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
179. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
180. I will not outsource core functions.
181. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
182. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagon load of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
183. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
184. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
185. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
186. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
187. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
188. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
189. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
190. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.
191. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Super weapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
192. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
193. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
194. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
195. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.
196. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
197. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
198. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
199. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
200. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
201. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

Any questions ?

[laurie]

Yeah, I gotta question: Why don't you go stuff yourself?

[Darb]

Please re-read items 71 and 148.

Now, about that ice cream I ordered ... if it's anything other than mint pistachio, heads are gonna roll.

- Ye Evil Overlord (Reign of Terror, Day 1 of 3)

[Ghost]

Wait … wait … wait –

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

You just did:

Blahahahaha ... supreme power is now MINE, ALL MINE !

/me thinks the power will go to his head and he will mess up again.

[Darb]

If you re-read the sequence of events, you'll notice that the maniacal laughter occured *BEFORE* I sat down in the throne and assumed absolute power.

[Darb]

Also, read item 152, and take a look at who our newest registered user is ...

profile.php?mode=viewprofile&u=1049

[Ghost]

Yeh, I've seen that.

If you re-read the sequence of events, you'll notice that the maniacal laughter occured *BEFORE* I sat down in the throne and assumed absolute power.

You have already set the precedent; you can’t weasel out of this one so easily.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

Yeh, you will think twice, but my money is on that you will still do it.

201. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

I think you will have a hard to trying to enforce that one around here.

[Darb]

GHOST: Regarding rule #201 - try to remember that the expression "can you pinch an inch ?" refers to one's belly being too big, not one's weiner being small enough for an exemption.

/me dials up the ol goon squad, which forces Ghost onto a stationary bike at gunpoint, and watches intently as he begins peddling furiously.

[Ghost]

I can pinch three inches (I mean in the waist )

Better make it an hour on the tread mill after the hour on the bike.

/me could use it.

p.s. - me is on your side boss, just trying to make sure you follow them rules and stay in power

[Darb]

GHOST: you might also want to re-read #176 ... since it concerns ghosts getting ... ahem ... exercised

- Ye Punster

[Aunflin]

Good one, Brad.

[Kvetch]

I'm back and frightened.

Application for the post of slightly trusted lieutenant, as advertised in psycotic killers weekly

I feel I would be able to excell in this post due to my prior experience as chief lackey to mad lord Winder ..............

(not ever having written a jobapp, I'm not sure how it should go, but I gave it a try)



PS: I've been out of the loop so long I may post slightly illogical posts because I can't remember what went before, so don't get stressed, point it out and I'll go back, reread and write my post more coherently

Thnks

[Hunter B]

That's a sign of weakness and therefore wouldn't make you a good Trusted Lieutenant.

[laurie]

Actually, Brad prefers "weak" lieutenants - too strong, and he starts getting paranoid about them trying to kill him and take over.

[Darb]

Ok, I split the Evil Overlord stuff out of the "Sign in / Sign out" thread into it's own thread ... for additional material.

[Darb]

Ok, I'm posting this supplement in honor of Cho.

Things to remember when I become an Evil Empress:
(adapted by Brad, original author unknown)

1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.
4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.
7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.
8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.
11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.
12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.
13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.
15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity to be revealed.
16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.
17. I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a policy would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the purpose. I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward exceptional proficiency.
18. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
19. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own weapon.
20. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
21. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
22. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
23. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
24. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
25. I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
26. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.
27. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.
28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
30. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.
31. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.
32. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
33. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.
34. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.
35. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
36. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
37. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
38. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
39. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
40. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
41. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.
42. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.
43. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
44. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.
45. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
46. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides no convenient handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
47. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
48. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
49. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with http://www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com (be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with http://www.EvilEmpres'.pit-of-dispair.live.com.
50. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
51. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.
52. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
53. If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no genetic relative exists to turn him or her against me.
54. Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking any trace of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours, or whose genetic roots intersect any known or suspected deities should be kept at arm's length (but within blaster range).
55. Allies need never see my command center or boudoir. Almost any business can be taken care of in a rented conference room.

Brad's Tips for dealing with Evil Empresses:
{written by Brad}

1. When in doubt, appeal to their vanity. Despite attempts to conceal it, most Evil Empresses are extremely insecure. As a minimum, having a well-honed monologue of glib flattery ready might buy you enough time to think of a way out of a tough situation. Empresses rarely execure hunky heroes in mid-sentence when you're praising their evil beauty.
2. Practice good dental hygine - a winning smile at the right moment mean the difference between life and death, so get those teeth straightened & capped, keep em white, and practice your hunky hero's smile in the mirror daily.
3. Master the art of kissing. Evil Empresses often succumb to the temptation of a farewell kiss before executing hunky heroes that are at their mercy. If you've mastered the oscular arts, you might succeed in getting her to defer your execution long enough for you to somehow turn the tables on her.
4. Stay fully paid up at the gym. Evil Empresses are more likely to respond positively to the dashing good looks of a hunky hero (that can crack walnuts with their butt) than they are to a oafish and flabbly looking geek.
5. Unless you're actively trying to blend in during an escape attempt, always dress to succeed. ZZ Top said it best - "Girls go crazy for a sharp dressed man". Addendum: dress well, but not to the point that you upstage the Empress. Challenge her fashion sense at your peril.
6. Mastering the coital arts (i.e., learning how to please an Evil Empress in her boudoir) is an absolutely vital skill. Resist the urge to roll over and go to sleep, because you'll probably never wake up again. Also, remember that most Evil Empresses enjoy post-coital cuddling & psychophantic small talk - so resist the urge to pick up a magazine, or turn on the TV as if your life depended on it ... chances are good that is does.
7. Know your enemy. If your Evil Empress has unresolved psychological issues that she hasn't resolved yet, plan how to take maximum advantage of them. If she's actively receiving therapy for them, be sure to find out who her therapist is, and subborn them. Evil Empresses are even more vulnerable in their therapy couches than they are in their boudoir - and there are usually less amazon guards around to fret about.
8. Be sure to discover her 'cycle' before contemplating a major move against an Evil Empress. She's emotionally unstable as is, without adding wild mood swings to the mix. If she's on the rag, not only will it be suicidal to attempt seducing her, but she'll also be far more likely to rashly push the FIRE button on her Super Weapon before you can get a word (or a hunky smile) in edgewise.
9. Drugged chocolates are usually a better bet than drugged wine. The latter can be switched when you're distracted, whereas it's always easy to distinguish a chocolate covered cherry from a cocolate nut-cluster at a glance. Just to be extra sure, take an antidote in advance, just in case. Planning on taking it after the fact is usually a bad move.
10. If invited to join an Evil Empresses in a board game of skill, try your best to give her a good game while also making sure that you eventually lose. Although very tempting, beating her outright or throwing the game in an obvious fashion could result in your instant demise. Remember, a hard-faught loss will appeal to her sense of vanity and reinforce her sense of superiority and invincibility.
11. Never, ever, ever, make remarks about the Evil Empresses' weight, gray hairs, or crow's feet ... except as a last recourse to momentarily distract her from pushing the FIRE button on her Super Weapon. Such remarks are usually perilous.
12. Always make nice with the Evil Empress's pet of choice. Better still, become an expert trainer/handler of said species, and always keep a pocketful of their favorite treats. Not only do you want to give the Empress every possible reason to find you useful (so that she spares your life), but said pets might one day switch allegiances and save your life.
13. For most normal women, skill is more important than size in the boudoir. However, Evil Empresses are NOT normal women - they require BOTH (skill and size), so definitely opt for the enlargement surgery - or use magic, if available. You won't regret it, neither will she, and neither will her amazon guards.
14. If you're a wizard, learn how to use those spells in the Boudoir. Certain spells are ripe for abuse: 'unseen servant' (for extra prop-holding hands), 'spider climb' (for those hard-to-achieve positions and/or unusual locations), 'polymorph self' (use your imagination), Alter Self (for use on Evil Empresses who fantasize about bedding specific, but unattainable, NPCs), Strength, Empathy (for knowing exactly WHERE and WHEN to touch her), etc. You can crack the ice and advertise your mystical talents to an Evil Empress by using a minor cantrip ... and then combing your eyebrows with your tongue. If she's the kinky and adventurous type, she'll probably take the bait. After you've tired her out, you can use whatever spells your have left to either immobilize/capture/imprison her, or escape.
15. Learn how to flirt well. Knowing how to swing a sword is important for dealing with Evil Overlords, but expert flirting often works better with Evil Empresses. If your flirting skills bomb out, you can always fall back on your sword skills. The more skills you have at your disposal, the better.
16. Work on that voice of yours. You could be a hunky warrior built like a Greek God, or a fearsome looking wizard, but it won't matter worth a damn if you open your mouth and sound like PeeWee Herman, instead of James Earl Jones (Darth Vader) or Walter Pidgeon (Dr. Morbius of Forbidden Planet). The last thing you want when trying to intimidate (or seduce) an Evil Empress is for her to titter behind her hand at you because of an unfortunate stutter, falsetto, or poor diction (mumbling). Take some of that gold you've amassed during your adventures, and hire a voice coach.

And YES, I've encountered most of these situations in course of my RPGing career.

[ChoChiyo]

Just adding a few thoughts of my own, in case the opportunity to become evil Empress comes upon me.

Ok, I'm posting this supplement in honor of Cho.

Things to remember when I become an Evil Empress:

1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.

I will keep my philosophy that power is beauty firmly in my conscious focus.

2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.

I will also remember that fairness has nothing to do with maintaining my hard fought position as Evil Empress. I may occasionally use my magic hand mirror to reflect sunlight into the eyes of one of the minions who is irritating me, but not irritating me enough to warrant an actual flogging, banishment, imprisonment, or execution.

3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.

Also, it is quite easy to mar the paltry beauty possessed by any wenches or maidens. Hot oil is easy to come by. And really, is there anything more beautiful than my absolute Evil Power? Of course not.

4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.

Hunky Heroes are often overrated in that respect anyway. The hunkiest hero is often underendowed where it really matters because he has spent too much time on the Nautilus and not enough time on the naughtiness.

5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.

And video tape will be taken of this event which will be played in a loop in the fashion design and sewing center of my fortress. Lest anyone forget. Technicolor and surround sound will be technically top of the line so that the lessons are clear. Very clear. (buckets will be placed in appropriate places in case vomitting ensues.)

6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.

I will always wear running shoes as anything else is uncomfortable. I will force my captive hunky hero types to wear stilletos and prance around for the amusement of my minions.

7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.

It will be made of a fine new kevlar, very much like silk in drape and texture. It will also be flame retardant and acid resistant.

8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.

Who wants his bitty self anyway? And if I did, drugs, hypnosis, and demonic possession are avenues I might pursue.

9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.

Not to mention a pair of white hot tongs brandished near any areas I am interested in....

10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.

Every time. Unless I have access to a chipper/shredder. Messy, but sends a very clear message to the next fellow who is vascillating between succumbing and rebuffing me. (See above concerning videotaping in technicolor and surround sound and playing in a continuous loop--this will also be done in the prison cell block.)

11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.

In some cases, I may choose to have the so-called "hero" coated in body paint or chocolate--for pleasure for me or humiliation for him. Oh, wait. Those are the same, aren't they?

12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.

Also, I enjoy the pagentry of chivalry. It makes me more empresslike and therefore, increases the awe and admiration of my minions for me, which I enjoy, but do not allow to inflate my ego to the point of stupidity.

13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.

My beloved son(s) and husband(s) will be where they belong, safely ensconced in the fortress, protected from all outside influences and forces, where I may enjoy them at my leisure. What need have they for kingdoms or fiefdoms? They live to please me or they do not live at all. They cannot please me while they are off managing a flipping fiefdom, can they?

14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.

The method of, time allowed for, and pain level of destruction of time shall be in direct proportion to the amount of inconvenience his becoming a former lover caused me. He will regret every second of inconvenience he caused me with minutes of writhing agony. That will be videotaped in technicolor and surround sound for the edification of current lover(s) or husband(s), lest they err in the same way Mr. Sticky did.

15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity to be revealed.

It will be much more fun to see the look on his face when I finally engage in #14.

16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.

Though I will comfort him with the knowledge that, immediately after his long, agonizing execution, he shall be posthumously awarded the title of "Trusted Consort and Co-ruler of the World." We will have it embossed on the urn in which we keep his ashes. Next to the other urns of ashes of former lovers. I like to keep them close to me, even in death.

17. I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a policy would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the purpose. I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward exceptional proficiency.

The unsatisfactory lovers will be placed on a diet, exercise, and vitamin regime, supplemented with video instructional tapes and practice dummies in a general feminine shape. They will be given up to a year to improve. Then, if no significant improvement is shown, they will be quietly disposed of, though the rest of my lovers will be shown videotape of them relaxing in a sunny "retirement" home on an island semi-paradise. (The real paradise is with me. They must always be kept aware of that fact.)

18. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.

And Bunnies. Bred for handgrenade resistant pelts.

19. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own weapon.

My designers will also manufacture a special cloth which, upon leaving contact with my body, will secrete an acidic element which will dissolve any part of the fool attempting to capture me in a very short time. The effect will be self-mobilizing and will continue to engulf the fool until he is consumed entirely.

20. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.

I will wear anything comfortable that breathes, as I do not enjoy excessive heat. I do not especially care whether the clothing is flattering or not as I am aware that my value and loveliness far exceeds the fripperies of fashion.

21. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.

I will actually execute any Hags or Crones in my domain. I prefer to do all poisoning myself. It will be quick and deadly unless I have a little additional time to kill and require amusement of a twisted nature.

22. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.

I will of course have to test and approve any consorts they may choose for loyalty and worthiness. Their consorts will be kept as mine are. Behind closed doors without any contact with the outside world. They live to please my hordes. Or they do not live at all. Clear?

23. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.

Unless they opt for the technological marvel of the personal force field and shield device. Sometimes excessive skin revelation can distract an enemy and led to his dismal defeat. And sometimes, it's just hot.

24. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.

The rocket launchers and StarWars technology vaporization rays will also be deployed prior to the hand-to-hand combat.

25. I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.

Further, the purpose of men lies primarily in their entertainment potential, not in their mechanical dexterity. My Amazons are equal to any such task.

26. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.

My male sidekicks are kept strictly under lock and key. I shall visit them when I need to kick their sides or have any other needs which only they can attend to.

27. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.

I have plenty of urns for their ashes.

28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.

Right before I dispose of my Overlord. His urn is already prepared.

29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.

Duress. Hah! As if. The b@stard was manipulated by me from the git-go. He's in his urn already.

30. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.

See above. Also, there's an urn or an nice secure cell for the Hero, if I choose to keep him.

31. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.

Therefore, I will dispose of them at the earliest convenience.

32. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.

If I find it necessary to eliminate one of my sons' father for personal reasons, I will be especially loving to the father prior to his demise, take him to the beach, and have a specially bred mutant shark maul him in clear sight of dozens of witnesses, thus my son and I can grieve together over the loss of our beloved poopsie, and our bond will strengthen in our mutual comforting of each other. Sonny need never know the truth.

33. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.

Besides, they will all be safely tucked away in the fortress in the family unit. If necessary, they can be eliminated in one of many ways. I made them. I can make more just like them who may be less irksome and more obedient.

34. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.

Humpf. If my demise seems imminent, I shall utilize my Absolute Power to bring the whole world (universe if possible) into the black hole of oblivion with me. Without me, the world has no reason to exist anyway. It is indeed all about me.

35. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.

I shall put her along with her innocence and Hero suitor(s) into a time capsule with sufficient food and drink to last many years longer than their actual lifespan and forget about them.

36. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.

I will keep inundating her with subliminal and blatant messages that being my personal secretary is the epitome of success in life.

37. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.

And there is merely one of him. Quantity is always a better bet than presumed quality. With the millions available, one is sure to be satisfactory. And if he is not, there is always chocolate, which never fails to satisfy.

38. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.

And most of the furniture will actually be assembled of carefully concealed and easily accessible weapons. Just in case.

39. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.

Technicolor and Surroundsound videotape of his elimination will be viewed by his potential replacements for their edification.

40. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.

And I shall always bear several weapons, concealed and not, and be knowledgeable in spellcraft and witchery and chemical compounds created to work cosmetically to my immune skin but as corrosive elements to anyone but me.

41. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.

While the mark is toting a heavy box or opening a door for me, he is more vulnerable, as his hands will be full and his attention diverted.

42. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.

Although the souls, minds, and bodies of the nether-world's denizens will certainly be involved in every interaction.

43. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.

or my holographic image on my special holodeck conference room.

44. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.

I find the glow aesthetically pleasing and mildly arousing anyway.

45. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.

They are easily outfitted with radio implants directly behind their frontal lobes anyway. No chance of losing their radio equipment then.

46. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides no convenient handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.

Falls, wigs, and Lee press-on nails are available, should I feel the need to appear in such a fashion.

47. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.

I have no phobias or nervous habits. It is my destiny to be the phobia or cause the nervous habit.

48. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.

See #34 above. If my defeat seems imminent and unavoidable, the universe goes unsilently into that good-night with me. Thus, I win.

49. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with http://www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com (be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with http://www.EvilEmpres'.pit-of-dispair.live.com.

Geeks, which 99% of the internet population is composed of, are the most intelligent, loyal, and unlikely to turn on one they idolize, so it's all good on the internet. And I will spell despair correctly, too.

50. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.

Huh. Like that'll happen. However, I will spread the word far and wide that I break into mawkish tears at the sight of baby booties and cabbage patch kids, so that when the ignorant lout hero comes along bearing them, pulls them out thinking they are the ultimate weapon, and sits back to watch me blubber, I will pull out my vaporizer and eliminate his sorry ass.

51. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.

The evil twin probably has a more spirited and adventurous attitude towards interesting things than that goody-goody anyway. A pox on him. It's the chipper shredder for him.

52. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.

Besides, they are damn annoying with their high pitched screams and frilly dresses. I will have them shredded and give their lacy dresses to ECM, who can wear them himself or clothe his undead horde with them.

53. If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no genetic relative exists to turn him or her against me.

Orphans will have their own little enclave in my fortress. I will cuddle and raise them there in isolation. If they displease me, the floor will open up and drop them into the auger which will funnel them to the goulash vats in the cafeteria.

54. Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking any trace of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours, or whose genetic roots intersect any known or suspected deities should be kept at arm's length (but within blaster range).

Too much effort. Auger. Goulash vats. Now.

55. Allies need never see my command center or boudoir. Almost any business can be taken care of in a rented conference room.

Roll-aways can be easily obtained if something cushy is needed.

EDIT: Repaired spelling, capitalization, and aesthetic quote boxes so perfection may sorta reign supreme.

[Echus Cthulhu Mythos]

Just adding a few thoughts of my own, in case the opportunity to become evil Empress comes upon me.

Too late.

[Darb]

54. Too much effort. Augur. goulash vats. Now.

Blahahahahah

- Ye Evil Overlord

[Hunter B]

So, are you the Pirate Queen or should I find a new one?

[laurie]

So, are you the Pirate Queen or should I find a new one?

Better find another one, Hunter - looks like she's gone over to The Dark Side.

[Darb]

I've created a monster.

(Young Fron-ken-steen) "It's aliiiiiiiiveeeee !!"

[laurie]

Yes, you have......

Congratulations ---- you're now DOOMED

[ChoChiyo]

I do not find the roles of Pirate Queen and Evil Empress mutually exclusive.

Besides, these are all "IF" the opportunity to become Evil Empress should arise.....

[ChoChiyo]

Brad's Tips for dealing with Evil Empresses:

Cho's Strategies for dealing with Brad's Sad Attempts to Deal with THE Evil Empress

1. When in doubt, appeal to their vanity. Despite attempts to conceal it, most Evil Empresses are extremely insecure. As a minimum, having a well-honed monologue of glib flattery ready might buy you enough time to think of a way out of a tough situation. Empresses rarely execure hunky heroes in mid-sentence when you're praising their evil beauty.

Being extremely secure and confident in my absolute perfection, this ploy shall be useless against me. Also, I shall have a large urn clearly labeled Ashes of Fools who Attempted to Gain Advantage Over Me Via Glib Flattery. A looped videotape with technicolor and surround sound showing the lingering, torturous final moments of the idiots who attempted to do so will play in a large screen directly over the urn as a cautionary tale.

2. Practice good dental hygine - a winning smile at the right moment mean the difference between life and death, so get those teeth straightened & capped, keep em white, and practice your hunky hero's smile in the mirror daily.

Smiles remind me of snarls. Plus, I bear in mind the immortal words of the bard. "One may smile and smile and be a villain." Thus, I shall be ever cautious.

3. Master the art of kissing. Evil Empresses often succumb to the temptation of a farewell kiss before executing hunky heroes that are at their mercy. If you've mastered the oscular arts, you might succeed in getting her to defer your execution long enough for you to somehow turn the tables on her.

All prisoners of a male persuasion shall be tested for their prowess at oscularity. If acceptable, they shall be placed in inescapable cells--the ones with sliding floors--for as long as they continue to please me. When ennui rises, I shall slide back the floors and watch the augers prepare them for the goulash vats.

4. Stay fully paid up at the gym. Evil Empresses are more likely to respond positively to the dashing good looks of a hunky hero (that can crack walnuts with their butt) than they are to a oafish and flabbly looking geek.

Who would want to eat a walnut cracked between the buttocks of anyone? EW. I shall turn those fellows over to my male minions who delight in such as them. When they are done amusing themselves with them, I shall have them flung into the pirhana pond. Personally, I find Geeks highly desirable for reasons stated in my earlier post. Also, have you never seen Revenge of the Nerds? Hunky types are fairly self-absorbed and think about things like their silly six-pack abs or football or where the TV remote is when they should be thinking about me. Geeks and nerds think about sex incessently. Which is all to my good, now, isn't it? Also, geeks and nerds are so grateful for the opportunity that they put in a much greater effort than some dorky hunk who feels he can get any woman anytime, merely by cracking a walnute between the cheeks of his arse. Fool.

5. Unless you're actively trying to blend in during an escape attempt, always dress to succeed. ZZ Top said it best - "Girls go crazy for a sharp dressed man". Addendum: dress well, but not to the point that you upstage the Empress. Challenge her fashion sense at your peril.

Humpf. Clothing is like the wrapping paper on the present. Who really cares? It's quickly shredded and removed so one can get to the actual present within.

6. Mastering the coital arts (i.e., learning how to please an Evil Empress in her boudoir) is an absolutely vital skill. Resist the urge to roll over and go to sleep, because you'll probably never wake up again. Also, remember that most Evil Empresses enjoy post-coital cuddling & psychophantic small talk - so resist the urge to pick up a magazine, or turn on the TV as if your life depended on it ... chances are good that is does.

Yes. Keep thinking that way. And remember, as soon as I feel ennui, you feel the very sharp blades of my auger. Not for long though. Note: enthusiasm is often as important a factor as skill. Keep that in mind.

7. Know your enemy. If your Evil Empress has unresolved psychological issues that she hasn't resolved yet, plan how to take maximum advantage of them. If she's actively receiving therapy for them, be sure to find out who her therapist is, and subborn them. Evil Empresses are even more vulnerable in their therapy couches than they are in their boudoir - and there are usually less amazon guards around to fret about.

Piffle. I cause people to seek therapy. I do not engage in it myself. My hobby is psychological issue appreciation. I relish my psychosis. You best learn to relish them too, if you wish to remain alive for any length of time.

8. Be sure to discover her 'cycle' before contemplating a major move against an Evil Empress. She's emotionally unstable as is, without adding wild mood swings to the mix. If she's on the rag, not only will it be suicidal to attempt seducing her, but she'll also be far more likely to rashly push the FIRE button on her Super Weapon before you can get a word (or a hunky smile) in edgewise.

It is good to know that this fallacy continues to circulate amongst the male species. It makes them so much more vulnerable. All I need do is place a box of Tampax on the desk, and he will instantly become much more reasonable. It's all good.

9. Drugged chocolates are usually a better bet than drugged wine. The latter can be switched when you're distracted, whereas it's always easy to distinguish a chocolate covered cherry from a cocolate nut-cluster at a glance. Just to be extra sure, take an antidote in advance, just in case. Planning on taking it after the fact is usually a bad move.

Since I have spent a life-time building up immunity to every known toxin on the planet (as well as toxins from farther flung planets), I am not concerned about poison.

10. If invited to join an Evil Empresses in a board game of skill, try your best to give her a good game while also making sure that you eventually lose. Although very tempting, beating her outright or throwing the game in an obvious fashion could result in your instant demise. Remember, a hard-faught loss will appeal to her sense of vanity and reinforce her sense of superiority and invincibility.

Board games cause ennui. I'd much prefer a rousing bout of Christians and Lions, played with real lions vs the Hunky Hero Wannabe. I shall play the role of the Evil Empress, giving a thumbs up or thumbs down as appropriate.

11. Never, ever, ever, make remarks about the Evil Empresses' weight, gray hairs, or crow's feet ... except as a last recourse to momentarily distract her from pushing the FIRE button on her Super Weapon. Such remarks are usually perilous.

Every gray hair and additional wrinkle or pound upon my body adds to my loveliness. Any intelligent man grasps this concept immediately. Those who do not become goulash.

12. Always make nice with the Evil Empress's pet of choice. Better still, become an expert trainer/handler of said species, and always keep a pocketful of their favorite treats. Not only do you want to give the Empress every possible reason to find you useful (so that she spares your life), but said pets might one day switch allegiances and save your life.

My pirahanas and Bunnies are loyal to me. Me alone. They are bred for that purpose. They will consider devouring you, however.

13. For most normal women, skill is more important than size in the boudoir. However, Evil Empresses are NOT normal women - they require BOTH (skill and size), so definitely opt for the enlargement surgery - or use magic, if available. You won't regret it, neither will she, and neither will her amazon guards.

This is evaluated on a case by case basis. Those who displease will be given to the special forces, males who prefer males.

14. If you're a wizard, learn how to use those spells in the Boudoir. Certain spells are ripe for abuse: 'unseen servant' (for extra prop-holding hands), 'spider climb' (for those hard-to-achieve positions and/or unusual locations), 'polymorph self' (use your imagination), Alter Self (for use on Evil Empresses who fantasize about bedding specific, but unattainable, NPCs), Strength, Empathy (for knowing exactly WHERE and WHEN to touch her), etc. You can crack the ice and advertise your mystical talents to an Evil Empress by using a minor cantrip ... and then combing your eyebrows with your tongue. If she's the kinky and adventurous type, she'll probably take the bait. After you've tired her out, you can use whatever spells your have left to either immobilize/capture/imprison her, or escape.

While mildly amusing, these antics are rather trite. Thus, I would use my own magical abilities to turn you into a salamader, sprinkle you with salt, and watch you writhe. That would be amusing.

15. Learn how to flirt well. Knowing how to swing a sword is important for dealing with Evil Overlords, but expert flirting often works better with Evil Empresses. If your flirting skills bomb out, you can always fall back on your sword skills. The more skills you have at your disposal, the better.

Forget the flirting skills. Just fall back. It's not that sword I'm intrested in.

16. Work on that voice of yours. You could be a hunky warrior built like a Greek God, or a fearsome looking wizard, but it won't matter worth a damn if you open your mouth and sound like PeeWee Herman, instead of James Earl Jones (Darth Vader) or Walter Pidgeon (Dr. Morbius of Forbidden Planet). The last thing you want when trying to intimidate (or seduce) an Evil Empress is for her to titter behind her hand at you because of an unfortunate stutter, falsetto, or poor diction (mumbling). Take some of that gold you've amassed during your adventures, and hire a voice coach.

Try to learn a good Welsh accent. There's nothing more enjoyable than sweet nothings delivered in a Welsh accent. It might help you avoid the goulash vats for a bit longer than the average love slave.