HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[voralfred]

OK, now, it does not deserve a sherlock, but can anyone explain why I added a blank between the "8"s and the closing parentheses for items, 8, 18, 28, 38 but not after the other digits?

'Cause if you don't add the space, you get

laurie, I don't know what colour is your hair, but if blonde you are hereby an honorary member of the non-blonde category

Still from the same website:

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name.

Spoiler: show

If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

[laurie]

laurie, I don't know what colour is your hair, but if blonde you are hereby an honorary member of the non-blonde category.

I'm almost as far from blonde on the color spectrum as one can get -- very dark brown hair that looks black under artificial light but shows hints of red in sunlight. (black-haired father, brown-haired mother, red-haired grandmother -- I inherited it all)

[laurie]

JOB APPLICATION:

Resimay

Too hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting ....

I think I am good on the phone and I do no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I offen get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat jou want to pay me and what you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely.

Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
BRYAN (nickname Beefy)

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is pickture of me

EMPLOYER RESPONSE:

Dear Beefy - I mean Bryan ,

It's OK honey, we've got SPELL CHECK!!!

See you Monday.

[laurie]

My uncle was a pilot in the US Army Air Corps during World War II (Pacific Theater) and afterwards served in the Air Force Reserve for 30 years. He's now in his mid-80s and belongs to a network of military veterans of WWII from all over the country, linked together by the Internet. He sent me these little "jokes" which are currently making the rounds among his buddies:

PS: The captions are mine, not theirs.





In the fine old tradition of naming your plane...

*********************************************************




Gives the name "General Lee" a whole new meaning...

*********************************************************




I knew recruitment levels were down, but I didn't know the Pentagon was this desperate...

*********************************************************

[voralfred]

I just watched a documentary about Marilyn Monroe, and it reminded me of a nice joke.

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."

He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy

Spoiler: show

and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

"

[laurie]

I just watched a documentary about Marilyn Monroe, and it reminded me of a nice joke.

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."

He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy

Spoiler: show

and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?

"

I think the dog should have said Ted Williams.

[voralfred]

I just watched a documentary about Marilyn Monroe, and it reminded me of a nice joke. (...)

I think the dog should have said Ted Williams.

But then the program about Marilyn would not have reminded me of the joke, to your everlasting loss!

[laurie]

But then the program about Marilyn would not have reminded me of the joke, to your everlasting loss!

True, but if you now pass the joke on, you could alter the ending...


Seriously, V: Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio were teammates on the Yankees. No Yankee fan would get miffed if one was chosen over the other. Ted Williams, however, was a member of the hated Red Sox; a true Yankee fan would explode if he was named.

[voralfred]

Well, the dog cannot name Ted Williams first!
Of course one can start by saying this happens in Boston, to a talent scout who is presumably a Red Sox fan....

Or else, the joke becomes totally surrealistic
(hmmm, why not, after all : the dog does speak in front of a NYC talent scout but suggests Ted Williams, is kicked out and then regrets not having said "Ruth" ).

[voralfred]

The US Standard Railroad Gauge

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8. 5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8. 5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/ Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with that?' . . . you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses. )

Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. And the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

Spoiler: show

OK, OK, almost all the websited I went hunting for this story in english, after a friend sent it to me in french, agree that it is an urban legend and that almost each step of the reasoning is historically incorrect. Still, it is fun isn't it?

[laurie]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't. 
 
As Ben Franklin said: 

In wine there is wisdom, 
In beer there is freedom...

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. 

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. 

Remember: 

Water = Poop, 
Wine = Health. 

Spoiler: show

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t. 

[the grim squeaker]

This is slightly icky, but it did make me laugh when my mate asked me:

Q:What is the definition of necrophilia?

A:

Spoiler: show

The urge to crack open a cold one.

Apologies in advance peeps.

[Darb]

Laurie: The bit about wine and beer being bacteria free is historically accurate ... ditto for hard cider, which was the early settlers beverage of choice here in america. However, I'm sure that that 1 kilo of e.coli figure is titanically overstated ... even if you're using raw strained sewage water, there's no way you're going to get 1 kilo of pure e.coli in 365 liters of water.

[voralfred]

I drink more like 2-3 liters of water per day, but even with 1100 odd liters per year, I agree with Brad that there is no way to get that amount of E coli.

[umsolopagas]

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

So with all the endless supplies free poop we want to go and bottle it.

On a less flip note I agree with Brad and Alfred on this - taking a realistic scenario into account. Mother Nature is self-regulating and self-cleaning to a large degree and absorbs or recycles a lot of waste.

[laurie]

C'mon, guys, it's a JOKE, not The Lancet or The Journal of the A.M.A..

[Darb]

It's equally fun to presume it was more serious than it is. I'd be happy to don a powdered wig and belly up to the lectern.

[laurie]

A little St. Patrick's Day humor:

An Irish Tale    

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. 

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all. 

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies:

Spoiler: show

" You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[umsolopagas]

A father decides to impart some wisdom to his four year old son. The story of creation,he thought, would do. He tells his son of all the glorious things that happened from the first day all the way to the seventh day. After a pensive look from a rather attentive boy came the question.â€

[the grim squeaker]

Two elephants call off a cliff.

BOOM BOOM.

[umsolopagas]

Hamlet to Ophelia: 'How shall I sketch thee my love, with the 2B or not 2B?'



Aperitif: French for set of dentures

[voralfred]

Aperitif: French for set of dentures

[umsolopagas]

It's all in the pronunciation ie. a-pair-o'-teef (try hearing it in an American accent , unless I'm wrong).

[voralfred]

Well, I can hear it, now. But though one can argue that the "th" in teeth is halfway between "F" and "S", to a French ear, it can only be heard as an "S", never an "F".
A pair o' teeth = Apereutis, never -tif. That misled me.
Curiously, for the Russians "th" is attracted to "F". The Cyrillic alphabet originally inherited from the Greek "theta" a letter sounded "th", but it disappeared and all instances (or most instances, anyway) were replaced by the letter sounded "F". So the Greek name "Theodoros" became"Fiodor".
The word "thistle" is a real tongue-twister for a Frenchman. I can pronounce an isolated "th" pretty well, but with an "s" just afterwards, it is very hard for me not to pronounce "sisle", as 99% of Frenchmen would automatically do.

[umsolopagas]

Zat is not ze way I say sistle?

On a side note, I really like hearing heavily accented French talking (the accent Peter Sellers used to do was really great).

By the way do people from different regions in France have different accents, for instance, can you distinguish between people from Toulouse and Biarritz?