HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Nighteyes · Post by **Nighteyes** » Mon Aug 04, 2008 4:39 am

laurie wrote:
Wow, that's a Sting-er!

Well, Copeland with it.

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:51 am

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

Spoiler: show

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:54 am

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then were you?"

Spoiler: show

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

Spoiler: show

Ass "Emoticons"

Spoiler: show

And here are some of my favourite anagrams:

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room

Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent

Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots

Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity................................ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class

Semolina................................... Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one

Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

Nighteyes · Post by **Nighteyes** » Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:18 am

The plane in Spain falls mainly on the runway.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:44 am

A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved dog in his brother's care.
The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?"
His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..."

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:44 am

Apparently, I miss some background here. I cannot see anything remotely funny in this one. I recognize "trick or treat" as a Halloween phrase, but this does not help me see what the point of this joke is. Help, anyone?

A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
"Hi, honey, I'm home."
There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
I get home."
Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"

mccormack44 · Post by **mccormack44** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:33 pm

I don't think it is funny either. I suppose it is supposed to be a funny take on ingratitude, but I don't see anything funny about it.

Maybe some of the younger folk will see something I'm missing.

Sue

Post by **laurie** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:12 pm

Makes no sense. It's almost like somebody took parts of two jokes and spliced them together -- the first part (wife out with girls) has nothing to do with the second part (little girl at door).

Not funny at all.

sweetharleygirl · Post by **sweetharleygirl** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:13 am

This is just a guess but here goes: maybe it had something to do with kids being rude in this day and age and the fact that instead of getting candy like she wanted he gave her an apple and it made her mad that the healthy treat squashed the sweet unhealthy one. I could be wrong but that's the way I took it, although I didn't think it was funny either.

Zybahn · Post by **Zybahn** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:55 pm

Maybe she was a girl scout.

Post by **laurie** » Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:05 pm

I've been pondering this...

The wife's note says "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 8."

Who are "the girls"? Friends of the wife? Or the couple's daughters who have gone out trick-or-treating on Halloween with their Mom?

If it's the latter, the story makes more sense... but it's still not funny.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:48 am

sweetharleygirl wrote:This is just a guess but here goes: maybe it had something to do with kids being rude in this day and age and the fact that instead of getting candy like she wanted he gave her an apple and it made her mad that the healthy treat squashed the sweet unhealthy one. I could be wrong but that's the way I took it, although I didn't think it was funny either.

Well, when I showed it to my son, he actually laughed. I asked him what he had found funny and his answer was pretty much that one, with emphasis on the fact that the man was hungry, with nothing else to eat except, of course, all the ingredients that the wife was planning to use to fix dinner when she came back, but for my son this is more or less equivalent to there being nothing to eat at all - end of my comment while the girl already had cookies What I found strange is that he found it actually funny. But his sense of humour is a bit different from most. He did not enjoy at all the story of the man, his cat, his brother and his mother I posted just a few posts above.

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:29 pm

That's an A for A bad joke.

Voralfred, how old is your son? Kids at some age basically live for sweets so he may have been feeling the little girls pain..

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:38 pm

the grim squeaker wrote:
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
Spoiler: show
"dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

I was told this joke some time back and it stuck in my head because it sounded so crude when heard live in the office; that punchline grated on the ear. The build-up was good so I forced a little laugh, the silence that followed the joke was sooo pregnant.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:20 am

umsolopagas wrote:That's an A for A bad joke.

Voralfred, how old is your son? Kids at some age basically live for sweets so he may have been feeling the little girls pain..

A kid he is not! He is 26....
But he has a very peculiar sense of humour. Basically, he never likes the kind of jokes I tell, but he would find very funny things where I don't see anything funny at all.

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:14 pm

voralfred wrote:
A kid he is not! He is 26....

Oh my..

/*wipes egg from face*/

If you were a comedian I would say that you walked me straight into that one.
My apologies, I was kind of picturing you bouncing a ten year old on your knee at your computer.

Well, at least we now know who to give all the bad jokes to.

Post by **laurie** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:00 pm

In my email today:

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (Lovers of Words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your CountÂ
that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:37 pm

. Puns galore.

Post by **laurie** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:22 pm

Halloween XIV -- The Party's Over

"There's always one in every crowd."

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:19 am

CodeBlower · Post by **CodeBlower** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:30 am

laurie wrote:Halloween XIV -- The Party's Over

Emailing the pic to the wife .. I think I know what pumpkin carving I'm doing for the front porch ..

sweetharleygirl · Post by **sweetharleygirl** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:10 am

This is great! I almost spit my coffee all over my desk trying not to laugh!

Post by **laurie** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:35 pm

Two from my Uncle W. -- who is 80-something and spends waaaaaay too much time surfing the 'Net:

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

Registration must be completed by Friday, October 13th 2008

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum

Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays -- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll -- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? -- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Dinner Dishes -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Scientific Proof Against This Theory.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss Of Identity -- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Support Groups with hotline available to participants.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things -- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. An entertaining presentation with moderated discussion -- bring paper and pen for notes.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch -- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Power Point Presentation.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost -- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live -- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy -- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

UPON COMPLETION OF ANY OF THE ABOVE COURSES, DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible:

The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.Â

The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.Â
Â
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.Â

Then God made the world.
Â
He split the Adam and made Eve.Â Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.Â
Â
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Â
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.Â Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.Â Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.Â Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.Â Moses led the Israel Lights out ofÂ Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.Â
Â
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.Â Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.Â These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
Â
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.Â Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
Â
After Joshua came David. Â He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.Â He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.Â My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.Â One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.Â There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.Â Jesus is the star of The New.Â He was born inÂ Bethlehem Â in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.Â The worst one was Judas Asparagus.Â Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.Â He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
Â
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial beforeÂ Pontius the Pilot.Â Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.Â He just washed his hands instead.
Â
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.Â His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:52 am

(from the same website as laurie's "Summer Classes... " joke)

Differences Between The Sexes Observed At The Drive-Up ATM Machine.

HIM:

1) Pull up to ATM
2) Insert card
3) Enter PIN number and account
4) Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1) Pull up to ATM
2) Check makeup in rearview mirror
3) Shut off engine
4) Put keys in purse
5) Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6) Hunt for card in purse
7) Insert card
8 ) Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9) Enter PIN number
10) Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11) Hit "cancel"
12) Re-enter correct PIN number
12A) Hit "cancel"
12B) Call husband to get correct PIN number
13) Check balance
14) Look for envelope
15) Look in purse for pen
16) Make out deposit slip
17) Endorse checks
18 ) Make deposit
19) Study instructions
20) Make cash withdrawal
21) Get in car
22) Check makeup
23) Look for keys
24) Start car
25) Check makeup
26) Start pulling away
27) STOP
28 ) Back up to machine
29) Get out of car
30) Take card and receipt
31) Get back in car
32) Put card in wallet
33) Put receipt in checkbook
34) Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35) Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36) Check makeup
37) Put car in gear, reverse
38 ) Put car in drive
39) Drive away from machine
40) Travel 3 miles
41) Release parking brake

Makes you wonder why laurie picked her joke and I picked mine....

OK, now, it does not deserve a sherlock, but can anyone explain why I added a blank between the "8"s and the closing parentheses for items, 8, 18, 28, 38 but not after the other digits?

Post by **laurie** » Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:24 am

voralfred wrote:OK, now, it does not deserve a sherlock, but can anyone explain why I added a blank between the "8"s and the closing parentheses for items, 8, 18, 28, 38 but not after the other digits?

'Cause if you don't add the space, you get