HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

gpackin · Post by **gpackin** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:00 pm

voralfred wrote:So apparently I am the only non-dirty mind here....

Oh come on Voralfred, you're a man. We men all have dirty minds.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 2:29 pm

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Thu May 22, 2008 4:07 pm

Ooh I love jokes. Can I add one?:lol:

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Thu May 22, 2008 4:29 pm

Microsoft held a convention of wizards and witches in an effort to market their applications. The MS Office suite had rave reviews:

Spoiler: show

What nick-name would students give an English teacher who favours corporal punishment.

Spoiler: show

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Mon May 26, 2008 2:19 pm

What do you call a man with a wooden head?

Edward

What do you call a man with two wooden heads?

Edward wood

What do you call a man with three wooden heads?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with four wooden heads?

I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Thu May 29, 2008 5:15 am

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jets engines.

Post by **laurie** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 7:43 pm

Some of you may have seen / heard this one before:

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race
begin?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they
had children and so all mankind began with His
creation.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the
same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago
there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and
said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God, and Dad said they
evolved from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I
told you about my side of the family and your father told
you about his.'

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:34 am

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:49 pm

Fun with words:

Misnomer - a racist anthropologist spinster.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:11 pm

This one completely baffled me. Any help for a poor Frenchman?

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Mon Jul 28, 2008 7:04 am

An oldie but a goody:

A cat on a dog are sitting on a wall when suddenly a mouse goes past in a radio controlled car.

The cat turns to the dog and says "Did you see that?"

And the dog says "Bloody hell, a talking cat!"

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Mon Jul 28, 2008 4:27 pm

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Tue Jul 29, 2008 7:34 am

I really love posh n becks jokes, so heres a few.

1)Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six oâ€™clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the bridge.

Posh turns to Becks and says: â€œDavid, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!â€

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:15 am

Heres a few of my favourites.

1)Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2)Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay - where are you from, jackass?"

3)An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

4)A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Tue Jul 29, 2008 6:33 pm

He surmounted all obstacles because he had the carriage.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

The French Revolution almost failed because many did not keep their heads.

Research into communication in ancient civilizations has revealed that the traffic on roaming networks was quite high.

Wooden shoe like to go to Holland one day?

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:49 am

What is a gnat?

Spoiler: show

Isn't this a misgnomer?

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:06 am

Wunna day I go to stay atta bigga hotel, I go up to my room, and there is no a sheet on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed, he say you better no sheet on the bed, you S.O.B.

So I go down for brekkafast, and ask for two piece of toast. The waitress, she only brings me wunna piece, I tell her I wanna two piece, she say go to the toilet. I say you no understand I wanna two piece on my plate, she say you better not piece on the plate you S.O.B.

So I order a fryer up, and she bring me a knife and a spoon, but no fork. I tell her I wanna fork, she say evrybudy wanna fork, I say I wanna fork onna the table, and she say you better not fork on the table, you S.O.B.

So I checka out, and the man at the desk say, peace on you man.
So I say peace on yourself you S.O.B!

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:34 am

the grim squeaker wrote:Wunna day I go to stay atta bigga hotel, I go up to my room, and there is no a sheet on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed, he say you better no sheet on the bed, you S.O.B.

So I go down for brekkafast, and ask for two piece of toast. The waitress, she only brings me wunna piece, I tell her I wanna two piece, she say go to the toilet. I say you no understand I wanna two piece on my plate, she say you better not piece on the plate you S.O.B.

So I order a fryer up, and she bring me a knife and a spoon, but no fork. I tell her I wanna fork, she say evrybudy wanna fork, I say I wanna fork onna the table, and she say you better not fork on the table, you S.O.B.

So I checka out, and the man at the desk say, peace on you man.
So I say peace on yourself you S.O.B!

What do you mean, you cannot speak French?
This can only happen to someone with a severe French accent, that takes a sheep for a voyage to Ireland so he can see a lot of ship grazing in the grin meedows. All that weering a sweetshirt.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:29 am

We've all got to die sometime. I'd like to die in my sleep, like my grandfather did,

I'd hate to die shouting and screaming in terror.

Spoiler: show

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:41 am

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?

Spoiler: show

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?

Spoiler: show

Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?

Spoiler: show

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Spoiler: show

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

Spoiler: show

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."

"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"

"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed,

Spoiler: show

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,

"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"

The other pad responded,

Spoiler: show

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....

The grandmother says,

Spoiler: show

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."

"Bull***t," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?, O.K., I would like three scoops of vagina flavoured ice cream please."

"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.

Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like vagina, it tastes like crap!" The assistant replies,

Spoiler: show

Steven Spielberg has a talent for making memorable movies, merchandisers have a knack for turning those movies into products for the kiddies to buy, buy, buy, and Hollywood executives will do just about anything (no, make that anything) to squeeze every last nickel out of a picture. So I dread what must soon be arriving on the toy store shelves, just in time for the holidays:

Spoiler: show

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Spoiler: show

umsolopagas · Post by **umsolopagas** » Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:42 pm

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Sat Aug 02, 2008 6:27 pm

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into Dublin's main cemetery. Search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

As a Frenchman, I would have said "Belgium's ..." and "Brussel's main cemetery.", but I found this on BBC News, of all places!

5 guys are standing in an Irish identity parade relating to a sexual assault case. The alleged victim walks into the room.
Spoiler: show
Paddy steps forward and shouts: "Yep, dat was her!!"

Ditto.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 2:42 am

More jokes I found on BBC News

An American couple were visiting Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
in north Wales and went into a fast food restaurant.
When the waitress came up to take their order the husband said,
"Before we order can you say the name of where we are, but say it very slowly so that we can understand".
The waitress leaned towards them and said....
Spoiler: show
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac Dooooooooooooooooooooonaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaald 'sssssssssssssss

Q/ What does DNA stand for?

A/
Spoiler: show
National Dyslexic Association

Wife (very sick, on her deathbed): Will you marry again when I die?
Husband: I might.
Wife: Will you sleep in our bed?
Husband: It's the only one we have.
Wife: Will she cook in my kitchen?
Husband: WHere else?
Wife: Will she drive my car?
Husband: Yes, it's a new one.
Wife: Will she wear my shoes?
Spoiler: show
Husband: No. She takes size 4.......

Nighteyes · Post by **Nighteyes** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:20 am

I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "do you have a police record?"

I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."

Post by **laurie** » Sun Aug 03, 2008 9:31 pm

Nighteyes wrote:I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "do you have a police record?"

I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."

Wow, that's a Sting-er!