Culinary Pet Peeves

[Darb]

even if it isn't quite up to brad's standards

Aww pfshaw ... I happen to love rustic home cooking. It's what I do at home.

My culinary hackles go up when I'm plunking down enough hard earned greenbacks for a poorly prepared serving for one when, for the same money, I could feed 5 people a meal that's 4x better by doing it myself. Even more annoying is when it's a relatively simple dish that requires little in the way of real skill.

p.s. If all the clams meats had fallen from their shells, it's a sure sign of overcooking. Also, walnut sized are just shy of middlenecks, which are not the optimum side for clam sauce ... they're too big, and tend towards toughness (esp if overcooked). Cockles and little necks work better.

[Darb]

I feel another peeve coming on ... BAD GRAVY.

IMHO, a good pan gravy is one of the most vital food groups, and ranks up there with chocolate, caffine and wine. I'm convinced that if my mother had bottle fed me on well-made giblet gravy, instead of cow's milk, I'd have grown up to be a proper world conquering demi-god, instead of the wage slave I am today.

By the same token, I think the making of bad gravy should be elevated to a misdemeanor criminal offense. Such people should be punished by being forced to butcher and roast repeat gravy offenders in their own juices, and making proper giblet gravy out of them.

I had a criminally bad turkey gravy today ... lousy flavor, greasy, no giblets, and aside from copious salt, no seasoning. Tasted like watered down canned stock, thickened with roux, and a small trickle of turkey juices. Very sad.

[Kvetch]

People who have barbeques just under my windows.

Fine, it is your garden, but I don't really want a smoke filled room that smells of badly-cooked meat for the rest of the week. There is the other END of your garden, you know.

And I don't want to close my window because the same warmth that brings you outside means my room is sweltering.

[Darb]

{scuffs toe in dirt} I've never deliberately done that to my neighbor. I like my neighbors.

However, I freely admit to having repeatedly and deliberately tormented parades marching past my yard, with the sight and smell of a smoker packed with juicy sausages or pork shoulders, and wreathed in billowing clouds of mesquite smoke.

Muahahahahaha ... SUFFER !!

I'll have to scan and post some photos, as life permits.

[Darb]

Peeve: SHRIMP SHELL FOLLIES

I'm sorry, but IMNSHO, there are only 3 occasions when it's acceptible to leave the tail shells on cooked shrimp dishes:

* Grilled shrimp (acceptible presentation, convenient handle, easy to remove)
* Boiled shrimp or chilled Shrimp cocktail (good handle for dipping/eating)
* When cooking for people/cultures who like to eat the shells - and even then, that only works if the shells are thin and tender and you fry/grill them until very crispy.

If shrimp are cooked in the sauce, shells turn tough, chewy, and inedible. If you dont want people to have to get their fingers dirty, have to spit them out, or mess around with a fork and knife to cut them off & fish them out of their entree, then they should be REMOVED before you cook the dish.

Shell-on-shrimp, and cooked-in-sauce dishes, do not mix ! The only correct way to use shells in a cooked-in-sauce is to pre-peel the shrimp, simmer the shells in the liquid, discard the shells, then reduce the liquid before using it to make the sauce ... and you cook the shrimp in the sauce at the very end.

I hate lazy chefs who cant get this simple protocol correct.

[Darb]

Pet Peeve: Bad Table Manners (by other diners)

Treat this post as an IOU ... will write the peeve itself as time permits.

[Darb]

Pet Peeve: Unwanted Smells

I strongly dislike all of the following, in a dining establishment:

* Highly scented liquid hand soap. For example - I was having a glass of nice wine at one of my regular haunts the other week, and after washing my hands in the rest room my nose was completely paralyzed for about 15 minutes with the overpowering reek of almond-scented soap concentrate.

* Bathrooms with overhead automatic scent dispensers. The only place i ever want to smell something like ozium is in a perfectly santitized doctor's exam room, or everywhere in a hospital. Nowhere else please. As for things like potpourrie, or glade fresheners, or scented candles, or scented oil ... NEVER. People who buy and use such things in the presence of their non-nasally-challenged peers should be sent to olifactory prison to serve hard time.

* Restaurants with poorly ventilation. I hate going to a sushi bar, only to have the delicate fish and fine sake have to compete with the wafting reek of tempura from the kitchen ... and then coming home with my clothes reeking of the same.

* Diners who wear strong cologne/perfume. Why do some people feel obliged to liberally douse themselves with swimming handfuls of Channel 5, Obsession, or whatever scent du jour ? Is it because they naturally reek and they have to conceal it, or because they're trying to dominate a room with their presence ? How can they even taste/smell their food ? Annoying. It's almost as rude and inconsiderate, IMNSHO, as showing to a quiet ceremony with a blaring boom box. Such people should be dragged into a back alley, and given a full-body dousing with the highly scented soaps and deodorizers mentioned above.

* People who smoke at "tastings". I really burns me up when I go to a paid tasting event, only to have to compete with smokers, or the perfume terrorists mentioned above. I've shown up to more then one champagne, white wine, or beer tasting, saw smoke wafting in the room, and then turned around and walked out to go elsewhere. Something like that is marginally more tolerable for, say, a scotch tasting ... but only if there's room inside for non-smokers to get away from the smoke.

* People with poor personal hygene, halitosis, and/or a tendency to excessive & unapologetic flatulence in polite company. Nuff said.

All of the above also applies to people's houses, not just to restaurants.

[Darb]

Addendum to above: I also hate it when the staff uses strong smelling cleansers during service hours ... like windex, or orange kaboom. In a diner, or a fast food joint (where standards and expectations are already low to begin with) that's tolerable, but not at a fine restaurant. Whenever they do that, I get up and move at least 15 ft away, if walls and seating permit. Please save the pungent cleansers for AFTER everyone leaves.

[Darb]

I feel another peeve coming on ... BAD GRAVY.

IMHO, a good pan gravy is one of the most vital food groups, and ranks up there with chocolate, caffine and wine. I'm convinced that if my mother had bottle fed me on well-made giblet gravy, instead of cow's milk, I'd have grown up to be a proper world conquering demi-god, instead of the wage slave I am today.

By the same token, I think the making of bad gravy should be elevated to a misdemeanor criminal offense. Such people should be punished by being forced to butcher and roast repeat gravy offenders in their own juices, and making proper giblet gravy out of them.

I had a criminally bad turkey gravy today ... lousy flavor, greasy, no giblets, and aside from copious salt, no seasoning. Tasted like watered down canned stock, thickened with roux, and a small trickle of turkey juices. Very sad.

Addendum ...

Peeve: Insufficient Gravy

With the sole notable exception of good giblet gravy at thanksgiving, this particular peeve typically only applies to bad cafeteria food in which gravy is the sole source of culinary salvation (not to mention moisture and flavor).

For example, I hate bellying up to the counter, getting a plateful of grotesquely dry, tough and overcooked roast bottom round of beef (proof positive that if you slice shoe leather thin enough, it can become somewhat edible), and getting a small mound of mashed potatoes into which the slop jockey behind the counter has pressed a tiny well and drizzled a few pathetic teaspoonfuls of gravy.

Uhm, hello ?

First of all, the food is lame to begin with, and then I only get a minimalist air brushing of gravy on my mash ?

"Cmon, Man ... DROWN IT ! My mother was SOUTHERN - in my family, the gravy is the meal, and the rest of the plate is the garnish. If I can still see the food, there's not enough gravy. I want that plate to gasp for air!"

You get the general idea.

[Darb]

Peeve: Questionable Equipment Photography

It always irks me when photographers "compose" a shot that sets the teeth of attentive viewers on edge.

For example: take this seemingly innocuous photo.

Here you see a gorgeous 60" Wolf range, and the photographer is clearly intent on showing the range in a homey setting, with a mother stirring a pot and smiling benignly at her daughter while her son swills a mug of something.

There are two pots in the middle are sitting on what's called a "French Top", aka a simmer plate (basically a big heavy plate of cast iron or steel that's heated from below - and the heat varies depending on how far you are from the center of the plate), and there's a griddle insert just right of the french top that's covered with grilled cheese sandwiches.

On closer examination, from left to right, I noticed some inconsistencies:

1) The pot on the left rear burner is not steaming.
2) The knob for the big french top in the center is set to high, but none of the pots on it are steaming ... but the dumb ditz is stirring anyway. Duh.
3) None of the grilled cheese sandwiches are steaming, even though the knob implies the griddle is set to high ... and what idiot in their right mind stuffs a spatula under a grilled cheese sandwich and the lets go of it and leaves it there ? Duh. Clearly the photographer took a bunch of cold dry toast and stacked it suggestively on the griddle ... nothing is buttered or pressed even remotely warm for that matter.
4) The pot on the right hand side is not steaming either, and the knob shows the burner is clearly OFF. In short, the entire stove is completely cold, and so is the food ... the proof of which is that the light indicators for the burners that are turned on are not glowing.
5) The 'mom' has her hand perilously close to the edge of the French top ... if the french top were actually on, she'd be at near risk for a nasty burn.
6) The little girl on the right has her hand perilously close to the grating of a burner ... good thing the stove is off, even though the photo clearly implies the stove supposed to be at least partially on. Small children, fire, and hot cast iron do not mix - if I were that mom, I'd have said "HOT!" and told my daughter to keep her hands away from the stove ... and you could bet my hand wouldn't be near the french top.
<strike>7) The model playing the mother doesnt look remotely related to the kids. Perhaps she's a nanny instead ?</strike>

Anyway, you get the idea. That photo is actually better than many I've seen.

[tollbaby]

Brad, I found your last remark to be a bit odd. She doesn't appear related to her children? How so?

I don't have the same haircolor as my children, nor my parents. I don't at all have the same body type or height as my daughter, nor does my son resemble my husband. For an extreme example, Angelina Jolie's kids don't look much like her, do they? But they're still her children. I have several mixed-race children in my acquaintance and circle of friends/family.

The rest was nitpicky but justified, but that last one... wow.

[Darb]

Ok, I struck #7 for you.

[Darb]

Incidentally, the photo of the wolf range was used above simply because I happened to be looking at that particular site at the time it occured to commit the peeve to paper ... not because it was especially indicative of the peeve I was reporting. I've already included plenty of far more divergant and irritating photos in a number of my book reviews.

Just click on any of my reviews of culinary books with enjoyability of 6 or less, and chances are high there will be a photographic dig included.

[wolfspirit]

I feel another peeve coming on ... BAD GRAVY.

IMHO, a good pan gravy is one of the most vital food groups, and ranks up there with chocolate, caffine and wine. I'm convinced that if my mother had bottle fed me on well-made giblet gravy, instead of cow's milk, I'd have grown up to be a proper world conquering demi-god, instead of the wage slave I am today.

By the same token, I think the making of bad gravy should be elevated to a misdemeanor criminal offense. Such people should be punished by being forced to butcher and roast repeat gravy offenders in their own juices, and making proper giblet gravy out of them.

I had a criminally bad turkey gravy today ... lousy flavor, greasy, no giblets, and aside from copious salt, no seasoning. Tasted like watered down canned stock, thickened with roux, and a small trickle of turkey juices. Very sad.

Addendum ...

Peeve: Insufficient Gravy

With the sole notable exception of good giblet gravy at thanksgiving, this particular peeve typically only applies to bad cafeteria food in which gravy is the sole source of culinary salvation (not to mention moisture and flavor).

For example, I hate bellying up to the counter, getting a plateful of grotesquely dry, tough and overcooked roast bottom round of beef (proof positive that if you slice shoe leather thin enough, it can become somewhat edible), and getting a small mound of mashed potatoes into which the slop jockey behind the counter has pressed a tiny well and drizzled a few pathetic teaspoonfuls of gravy.

Uhm, hello ?

First of all, the food is lame to begin with, and then I only get a minimalist air brushing of gravy on my mash ?

"Cmon, Man ... DROWN IT ! My mother was SOUTHERN - in my family, the gravy is the meal, and the rest of the plate is the garnish. If I can still see the food, there's not enough gravy. I want that plate to gasp for air!"

You get the general idea.

This sounds much like my school caf. It got to the point where they now pull one of the soups on days with mashed potatos, and use it to store large amounts of gravy, so we can at least have food that tastes like bad gravy.

Scott

[Darb]

Butchery Peeve: Defatted & Too-Small Brisket

In recent years, virtually all supermarkets in my region have been completely de-fatting their briskets before packaging them for the meat case. Brisket, more so than almost any other cut of meat (except for pork belly) NEEDS a generous layer of fat to be left ON during it's traditional long slow braise towards tenderness ... otherwise it becomes overlean and DRYish, even with the braising. Rubbing it with oil doesnt even come close to cutting it, and draping it with fat trimmed from other cuts of beef (ex: rib roast) is not as effective, because it tends to shrink unevenly, leaving dry edges, plus the flavor/texture of the fat itself is different, when it comes from different parts of the animal.

It's also become difficult to get WHOLE brisket in the supermarket ... they routinely split it into 2, 3 and sometimes even 4 smaller cuts.

I've found the only way to get a decent fat-on brisket, whole or otherwise, is to either go to a private butcher, or to a restaurant supply warehouse that sells whole meat primal cuts in cryovac.

Sad how the hoi polloi's mindless and misguided quest (carefully cultivated by a greedy and unscrupulous meat industry) for leaner, lower quality, and increasingly flavorless and poorly matured meat is making it ever more difficult for culinary aficianados to prepare food with optimum flavor and texture.

It boggles the mind that although the price, availability and general safety of our meats have all improved greatly over the past 100 years, the actual eating quality (re: flavor & texture, as well as animal welfare) has sharply DECREASED in parallel with the rise of intensive mass-market production.

My taste in meats has reached a tipping point, and I'm increasingly patronizing private butchers as a result, wherever logistics and spending money permit.

[ntsc]

Peeve: SHRIMP SHELL FOLLIES

I'm sorry, but IMNSHO, there are only 3 occasions when it's acceptible to leave the tail shells on cooked shrimp dishes:

* Grilled shrimp (acceptible presentation, convenient handle, easy to remove)
* Boiled shrimp or chilled Shrimp cocktail (good handle for dipping/eating)
* When cooking for people/cultures who like to eat the shells - and even then, that only works if the shells are thin and tender and you fry/grill them until very crispy.

If shrimp are cooked in the sauce, shells turn tough, chewy, and inedible. If you dont want people to have to get their fingers dirty, have to spit them out, or mess around with a fork and knife to cut them off & fish them out of their entree, then they should be REMOVED before you cook the dish.

Shell-on-shrimp, and cooked-in-sauce dishes, do not mix ! The only correct way to use shells in a cooked-in-sauce is to pre-peel the shrimp, simmer the shells in the liquid, discard the shells, then reduce the liquid before using it to make the sauce ... and you cook the shrimp in the sauce at the very end.

I hate lazy chefs who cant get this simple protocol correct.

The last time I was in New Orleans, BBQ shrimp came with the shells on in the sauce. The resturant supplied a damp cloth without being asked.

However most of your peeves are right on.

[Darb]

Pet Peeve: Abuse of "Chef's Choice"

Personally speaking, I'd be strongly inclined against ever saying "chef's choice" to the wait staff when presented with a menu UNLESS the chef was my personal friend, and I was already on a first name basis with the wait staff. To do otherwise gives the kitchen staff carte blanche to fob off whatever they're overstocked on and/or whatever's approaching past peak.

The only other exceptions to that are small elite and reputable restaurants with a price-fixe seasonal or chef's perogative menu ... or if you're a known food reviewer or culinary celebrity in your own right, AND the staff recognizes you as such. Otherwise, resist the urge.

[tollbaby]

I didn't even know that was an option. It's certainly something I'd never try...

[tollbaby]

This is a two-sided peeve... While I understand wanting to protect your brand from poor-quality imitators, I think this is a bit silly, but at the same time, as a consumer, I want the real thing LOL (as I sit here noshing on a slice of pannettone for breakfast LOL)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071212/od_ ... qXGFsE1vAI

[Darb]

For me, the more interesting part of that article was the push for point of origin labelling for olive oil ... i'm definitely all for that.

[Darb]

[Mod: several earlier prolonged digressions are being split out and re-merged into their appropriate threads, in order to tighten the focus of this thread.]

[Darb]

{replacing some posts lost in the server move a few weeks back ...}

Peeve summary to date.

Numbers assigned retroactively, for ease of reference. I have not attempted to re-organize these, or regroup related or redundant items - they appear here in the order they were posted.

--------------------- PAGE 1
1. Stemware, incorrect handling of.
2. Buffet, wasteful diners
3. Faux wine snobs
4. Food photography
5. Buffet, unsanitary slobs
6. Bad menu spelling
7. Culinary incompetence (Catering/Restaurant)
8. Erroneous and/or incomplete culinary techniques (in printed recipes)
9. Poor/unbalanced seasoning
10. Menus without prices
11. Not keeping water full
12. Inattentive/disappearing staff
13. Glassware that’s too small (ex: juice)
14. Gratuity already included on bill (i.e., mandatory pre-set tipping)
15. Flavorless cold cereal
16. Buffet, sneeze guards that aren’t low enough.
17. Lazy chefs/butchers
18. Cheesy canned muzak
19. {server perspective} Customers who don’t read the menu, and misorder.
20. {server perspective} Customers who don’t listen to explanations.
21. {server perspective} Customers who mistreat or disrespect their servers.
22. Customers who send stuff back for little or no reason, and otherwise complain/bully the staff for freebies over perceived slights or imagined errors, when nothing is wrong with their meal.
23. Waiters who carry soup with their thumb in the soup.
24. {vegan} ordering vegetarian pasties and receiving meat ones.
--------------------- PAGE 2
25. Lousy garlic bread
26. {vegan} Insufficient & unimaginative vegetarian selections.
27. Misleading coffee cup size terminology (makes it sound far larger than it truly is)
28. {chef perspective} being forced to work with co-workers with no aptitude for cooking.
29. {chef perspective} coworkers who brag about culinary skills they don’t have.
30. {chef perspective} coworkers who fire everything at once, and far too early, so they can finish and gab rather than serve food at it’s peak.
31. {chef perspective}coworkers who take breaks whenever they feel like it, regardless of meal rush timing ... or who stop completely because of a minor nick or burn. Suck it up !
32. (chef perspective) coworkers who flat line – i.e., who can’t/won’t learn from their mistakes or skilled instruction.
33. (chef perspective) coworkers who can’t be bothered to label or organize anything, or even take temperatures of sensitive items.
34. Overrated and overpriced mail order meat (ex: “Omaha Steaksâ€

[Darb]

89: Restroom sinks with bad faucets

I hate it when I go to wash my hands, and when you turn on the sink the water comes out so furiously that it spatters the lower half of your body. Very irritating to return from a restroom looking like you peed on yourself. Easily avoided with a properly installed/maintained faucet aerator, and/or a valve stem or actuator that allows the water to come out in a gentle stream rather than blasting.

[violetblue]

So, what you're saying is, that you got sprayed by a sink in the nether regions, then had to hide out in the bathroom for a while? (snicker, snicker)

[ashellinak]

First off, thank you for putting all the peeves in one post! Now let's see if I still manage to bring up what someone else already said!

1. Everything is separate. I went to one place and all sides were $8.00ea and no meal came with any side. My lamb kabob was a skewer with only lamb on it and that was it! Salads? They were all $7.00 extra.

2. Lately there seems to be this trend where your waiter does not even come to your table until 15 minutes after you arrive and want your order at that time. I want a waiter who will come and acknowledge our table quickly, 90% of the time I know what I want when I walk through the door and do not need all that time to decide.

3. Bring me a straw with my water!!

4. Places that do not carry Dr. Pepper! Then say "we do not carry Dr. Pepper, is Root Beer okay" HECK NO it is NOT okay!!

I think that is all - in addition to all the ones people already mentioned.