HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[Nighteyes]

As I recall it had the addendum that the vendor made up the order, and didn't return any money. When challenged, he replied

"Change comes from within"

[Nighteyes]

The weather is just like a Muslim, either sunni or shi'ite.

[Darb]

{snip}

Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman
who did not whine, nag, or bitch........


But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.


The End

[Darb]

http://hillarynutcracker.com/

[laurie]

ROFL at this gem:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 -- and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Darb]

{snip}

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

[laurie]

Also works well with George W. Bush files.

But Dick Cheney files crash the computer -- it's that "dark side" thing....

[violetblue]

{snip}

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

Ha, I sent this one to my father-in-law -- you can't get much more Republican than he is!

[Echus Cthulhu Mythos]

Don't I know it!

[voralfred]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

I tried to get rid of Ségolène Royal using this method to cheer me up this morning.
Alas!
Three times alas!
My computer is not as selective! It only asked me "Do you really want to get rid of the content of the trash? This operation is irreversible" (which is not true, of course, a good utility can restore a recently erased file, but, well...) but it never names the file in the trash.
So I am still in a very bad mood.
Any other suggestion to cheer me up?

[gpackin]

I tried to get rid of Ségolène Royal using this method to cheer me up this morning.

I don't know much of anything about French politics, but I think she might be worth keeping around just for the eye candy aspect.

[voralfred]

I tried to get rid of Ségolène Royal using this method to cheer me up this morning.

I don't know much of anything about French politics, but I think she might be worth keeping around just for the eye candy aspect.

If you like her looks, by all means you are welcome to come and abscond with the tergament! I'm not the only one who'll be overjoyed. Her ex, François Hollande a.k.a. Flamby, who is still First Secretary of the Socialist Party, as well as all the old "elephants" of the Party will wish both of you godspeed!

[voralfred]

Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
And finally:

Spoiler: show

1. Microsoft Works
I am a Mac fanatic!

[laurie]

I had a conversation today with a friend who works for a local IT service company. She said it took less than 10 hours for the first bugs to infiltrate Microsoft's Vista OS when it was released. Now there are hundreds - maybe thousands - of viruses, spyware, etc., and her company techs are putting in overtime trying to debug all their clients' machines. Vista is just as leaky as Windows. MS can't build an OS that's secure.

Like me, she has Macs for her personal computers.

[Nighteyes]

[tollbaby]

omg.... and this was actually PRINTED? *dies*

[laurie]

Proof that kids know more about certain subjects than their parents do.

[laurie]

Sent by my uncle (who now spends ALL his computer time forwarding jokes, it seems):

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerrymen, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, self-taught archaeologist Paddy O'Droll reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

[moonwolf021]

Haha thats hilarious. All of these are.

[Nighteyes]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

[voralfred]

Not very politically correct.

Three women appear in front of the Mighty Cthulhu, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde. They must say something they think about themselves. If the Mighty Cthulhu considers they are mistaken, he'll destroy them.

Starts the redhead "I think I am clever", and the Mighty Cthulhu destroys her.

Now the turn of the brunette "I think I am pretty", and the Mighty Cthulhu destroys her.

Finally the blonde has to express herself, too.

Spoiler: show

"I think..", and the Mighty Cthulhu destroys her.

[voralfred]

Are all the dirty minds on the forum (i. e., everyone except laurie) thinking that Ariel's expression, in ashellinak's avatar, may have a connection with this post just above?

[laurie]

Are all the dirty minds on the forum (i. e., everyone except laurie)...

Now that's an insult, Voralfred!

I'll match my dirty mind against anyone's here!

[voralfred]

Are all the dirty minds on the forum (i. e., everyone except laurie)...

Now that's an insult, Voralfred!

I'll match my dirty mind against anyone's here!

Sorry you feel like that

I thought it was a compliment, about the thread there, to mention you were the only one (with me, of course) to realize that Ariel was just happy to bask in the sun after a nice long dive in a sunken ship full of wonderful treasures.
So apparently I am the only non-dirty mind here....

[sweetharleygirl]

You can keep trying to convince us of you innocence if you want, but I think it's a wast of time, we know your mind works just like the rest of ours !