Calvinball-anyone want to play?

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 5:45 am

Here is a game from one of my fav. websites, anyone wanna play?

The Official Rules of Calvinball

1.1. All players must wear a Calvinball mask (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.1). No one questions the masks

*IMPORTANT -- The following rules are subject to be changed, amended, or dismissed by any player(s) involved.

1.2. Any player may declare a new rule at any point in the game. The player may do this audibly or silently depending on what zone (Refer to Rule 1.5) the player is in.

1.3. A player may use the Calvinball (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.2)in any way the player see fits, from causal injury to self-reward.

1.4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarassment, or any other abasement the rulee deems fit to impose on his opponent.

1.5. The Calvinball Field (See Calvinball Equipment - 2.3) should consist of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared spontaneously and inconsistently by players. Zones may be appear and disappear as often and wherever the player decides. Zones are often named for their effect. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary (sub-rule) to any rule that has benn, will be, or might be declared. A pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playibility on the others. (Remember, the player would declare this zone oppositely by not declaring it.)

1.6. Flags (Calvinball Equipment 2.3) shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules which shall govern that flag for particular moment in that particular game

1.7. Songs are an integral part of Calvinball and verses must be sung spontaneously through the game when randomly assigned events occur. These random events will be named and pointed out after the player causes the event.

1.8. Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it. (Legal scores include 'Q to 12', 'BW-109 to YU-34, and 'Nosebleed to Trousers'.)

1.9. Any rule above that is carried out during the course of the game may never be used again in the event that it causes the same result as a previous game. Calvinball games may never be played the same way twice

Calvinball Equipment

2.1. Mask - All participants are required to wear a mask - Figure 1.1

2.2. Calvinball - A Calvinball may be a soccerball, volleyball, or any other reasonable or unreasonable, spherical or non-spherical object

2.3. Calvinball Field - The Calvinball Field should be any well-sized field, preferably with trees, rocks, grass, creeks, and other natural hindrances to health.

2.4. Miscellaneous - Other optional equipment include flags, wickets (especially of the time-fracture variety), and anything else the players wish to include

So, here we go (currently playing with myself) *puts on mask*

I pass the ball to me, dodge myself, and throw the ball between the wiggly widget wicket, and I cant block it, scoring a hundred inventive use of only one player points!

gpackin · Post by **gpackin** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 7:27 am

Uh, what?

Post by **PolarisDiB** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 4:18 pm

Those rules are way missing in the simplicity of Calvinball.

Rule One: You wear the mask. No one questions the mask.

Rule Two: You make up the rules as you go. No ruling can be used again in two separate Calvinball games.

Now that I've hit the Conciseness Marker, all players must pay a pension of twenty-six vowel strings of characters and I shall be called the Efficiency Forerunner!

The score is now A to -3.

--PolarisDiB

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:30 am

A yes, but you were NOT standing in the opposite zone, which I silently declared, therefore you must pay the penalty, making the score -C to 13.

gpackin · Post by **gpackin** » Fri Jul 13, 2007 8:17 am

gpackin wrote:Uh, what?

Ok, I get it now.

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Fri Jul 13, 2007 8:26 am

I run across the feild un-apposed, grab the ball and declare a pernicous poem zone in the area around me, scoring 100 first verbal use of a zone points. The score is now +D to 113

Post by **laurie** » Fri Jul 13, 2007 7:10 pm

Why do I have the feeling that CalvinBall and THIS GAME were created by the same [slightly insane] person?

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Sat Jul 14, 2007 7:59 pm

i wobble my flibbertygibbet and score "strawberry".

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 4:03 am

I aknowledge this, pick up the ball and throw it at your vunerables, scoring 50 devious use of calvinball points, and making the score nosebleed to trousers.

Post by **PolarisDiB** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:19 pm

I retrieve the Calvinball, cast "Operation Magic Kingdom", and henceforth all shalt speak in Ye Olde Badde Medieval Accente--until thy hand dost find the hidden Anti-Mystick Marker, else thy score promote a penalty!

--PolarisDiB

gpackin · Post by **gpackin** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 5:30 pm

I walk over, steal your Calvinball and run away.

Post by **wolfspirit** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 5:32 pm

I steal the stolen Calvinball, resulting in 42 irony points, making the score +F to 32.

Post by **Darb** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 5:38 pm

laurie wrote:Why do I have the feeling that CalvinBall and THIS GAME were created by the same [slightly insane] person?

Almost exactly the same thought I had !

/me grabs the calvinball, and with a mighty heave, beans BKM on the flibbertygibbet !

/me gets ejected for a double-technical, and (after showering and staring down the gaggle of reporters in the locker room) hops a cab to Mornington Crescent.

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 6:26 am

(I'm not sure of the origins, my mate introduced me to it)

I gayne possession of thee calvinball, thus I do negate ye olde speak effects, and I doth score twenty of thy medieval return points.

The score is now 20 to C%

Post by **Darb** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 11:28 am

I knock the calvinball squeaky toy loose from the grim squeaker's hands, give it a few hearty squeaks, and then lateral-pass it back to wolfspirit ... thereby adding some linguistic bonus points to the contextual irony points he's already tallied.

The score is now G = sqrt (-1) + Tan(90)

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 3:51 pm

I put on my Calvinball mask and declare: Ã partir de maintenant, tous les coups doivent Ãªtre jouÃ©s en franÃ§ais, sans fautes d'orthographe (laurie, surveille bien avec moi!). Toute erreur d'un joueur est sanctionnÃ©e par la perte de tous ses points, et c'est moi qui les rÃ©cupÃ¨re. Le score est donc d'un gazillion (pour moi) Ã zÃ©ro (pour tous les autres).

Post by **wolfspirit** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:00 pm

Je ne parle pas francais bein, mais, je coupe le bra de voralfred qui tenit le Calvinball. Je me donne une googleplex de point, le score est un googleplex du point pour B+, et pas de points pour voralfred.

(So, how badly did I butcher that french? In theory, I am chopping off voralfred's arm, and taking the calvinball, thereby giving myself one googleplex of points, and zeroing alfred's score)

Scott

daetara · Post by **daetara** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:17 pm

i descend upon wolfspirit and tail-thwap him mightilty, ripping the calvinball away and causing multiple punctures. the calvinball is now decidedly flattened, and all run in fear before me.

Le score est maintenant cinq griffes Ã une herbe Ã chats.

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:20 pm

wolfspirit wrote:Je ne parle pas francais bein , mais, je coupe le bra de voralfred qui tenit le Calvinball. Je me donne une googleplex de point , le score est un googleplex du point pour B+, et pas de points pour voralfred.

(So, how badly did I butcher that french? In theory, I am chopping off voralfred's arm, and taking the calvinball, thereby giving myself one googleplex of points, and zeroing alfred's score)

Scott

bein au lieu de: bien
bra au lieu de: bras
tenit au lieu de : tient
googleplex est masculin il faut Ã©crire "un", et non "une"
un googleplex est plus grand qu'une unitÃ©, il faut donc Ã©crire "points" et non "point" (twice!!)
du au lieu de : de

Sept erreurs, donc esprit-de-loup perd sept googleplex (invariable en franÃ§ais, comme laurie peut le confirmer) et donc j'ai sept googleplex plus un gazillion, et le score d'esprit-de-loup est "moins six googleplex".
(Seven mistakes so seven googleplexes move from your score to mine:
I have one gazillion plus seven googleplexes, and your score is minus six googleplexes.)

Und jetzt sage ich: Alle mÃ¼ssen auf Deutsch sprechen, es ist strengst verboten eine andere Sprache zu sprechen!

daetara · Post by **daetara** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:28 pm

Вы не имеете никакого контроля надо мной, глупый человек!

voralfred · Post by **voralfred** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:52 pm

Das ist doch kein Deutsch, meine Katze! Sie verloren nochmal sieben Googleplexen. Jetzt habe ich dreizehn Googleplexen, und ich bin sehr erfreut, weil ich das Nummer dreizehn liebe! Der Calvinball ist aus Diamant, Ihre Krallen kÃ¶nnen ihm nicht durchstechen. Umgekehrt, bricht er Ihren SchÃ¤del. Kein Leid, dieser war leer.

(This is no German, my Cat! You lose again seven googleplexes. I now have thirteen googleplexes, which pleases me much as I am a triskaidekaphile . The Calvinball is made of diamond, your claws cannot puncture it. Contrariwise, it breaks your skull. No great harm done, the latter was empty).

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:08 am

I declare a pernicious poem zone(see rules), and score a point. abandon all hope ye who enter here, the only thing left here is your fear.

100 use of pernicious poem points, and the score is now goosehonk to rubberduckie

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 12:39 am

i do not declare an opposite zone. seizing the diamond Calvinball i quickly (or maybe not so quickly, as i have not verbally declared this to be an opposite zone) determine how many licks ( 34701131432.065609mps ) it takes to get to the center of a Calvinball.

not (?) finding a flag at the center of the Calvinball the score is now:
E/M ( or maybe M/E)

50 bonus points to whomever gets the real joke in this post.

the grim squeaker · Post by **the grim squeaker** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:10 am

dont you mean (spm906560.23413110743) I dont get it, but i dont get the calvinball, and dont undeclare the opposite zone, thereby score 100 points for being me.
The score is now werty to hjk

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:14 pm

I dont get it

i'm merely making reference to the most famous physics formula of all time. or not.

but i dont get the calvinball, and dont undeclare the opposite zone

silly man. "opposite zones" are unmade by declaring them. your score is now +infinity ( or not? ).

i break into the first mandatory song of the CalvinBall game:
"Well I was born too late to be a Rolling Stone
I don't know Jerry Lee I never me John & Yoko
Standin' with a strat, I'm rock 'n' roll's bastard son
Go out get drunk get wild have fun
I don't got a million dollars don't drive a Cadillac
Give me half a chance 'cause I'm not dead yet

I'm not dead yet
I'm not dead yet
I'm a mad dog fighting with the wall against my back
You better get a bigger gun I'm not dead yet

I've been machine-gunned handgunned hijacked left for dead
Dive-bombed napalmed nuclear warheaded
Dropped from a jet plane with no parachute
Shot by a firing squad & raped by a business suit
I'm dancin' on a land mine baby one leg left
And I can still crawl and I'm not dead yet

Well you're bigger tougher meaner rougher
Dirtier and uglier and sneakier and trickier
You wanna shoot me with a gun, cut me with a knife
Take your bare hands baby rip out my eyes
You knocked me to the floor then you bit me in the neck, well
Hit me again cause I'm not dead yet

I'm not dead yet, no no
I'm not dead yet
Well I'm a wild card hidin' in the middle of the deck
You better get a bigger gun, you better get a bigger gun

Well there's a mugger in the alley there's a sniper in the hall
There's a girl at the bar wants to get me by my balls
And the hangman is hangin', if I autograph the noose
Lee Harvey Oswald's brother's on the loose
Mafia hit man with a bullet for my neck
Some day he's gonna get me but I'm not dead yet

I'm not dead yet
I'm not dead yet
I'm a wild card hidin' in the middle of the deck
You better get a bigger gun, you better get your poison pen"

Bob's artistic stat is now "Forum+1"