40,000 books ! {plus SciFi vs Romance DE duel}

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:49 pm

/me vows to take Brad out for Karaoke next time we meet.

Post by **Darb** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:58 pm

[PG-13]

Spock: EVASIVE ACTION !
Jerk: Whaa ??
Spock: The Romancians have fired a superweapon of some sort ...

{a brilliantly coruscating wave of pink energy envelops the ship, penetrates the shields, and rolls through the bridge}

Sulu: {boing !}
Chekov: {boing !}
Rand: {moans}
Jerk: {boing !}
Scotty: {boing !}
Uhura: {moans}

Spock: Captain, sensors are detecting a massive burst of neurological radiation, causing extreme hormonal responses in the crew. Fortunately, my Vulcan physiology seems to be immune to the effect ...

Spock: {boing !} Correction - my hybrid physiology seems to be vulnerable after all, despite the fact that my last Pon Farr was only 5 months, 3 days, and 237.5 minutes ago.

Sulu: {whispering to Chekov} I wish I knew how to quit you.
Chekov: {whispering} I have zum vodkya een my kabin - you kood dew dat thing yew do with the fencing foil, without a shirt ... I luved dat.
Spock: Uhura, I require your immediate anatomical assistance.
Uhura: Mmmmmm, I require your assistance too, Mister Spock.
Spock: {administers trademark Vulcan tush pinch}
Uhura: Oh ... Oh ... OHHHHH !!!
Rand: {administers Vulcan tush pinch to Mr. Spock}
Spock: These involuntary biological responses are quite fascinating. A little more to the left, Yeoman.
Jerk: {embracing the Captain's chair} Oh, my ship ... I love commanding this ship. Khan was right - I love the feel of rich corinthian leather. I love telling people what to do, even though I don't have the faintest idea what I'm doing. I love making an utter idiot of myself. I love the intrigue of trying to pass off cheap toupees as real hair before millions of people. I love blowing stuff up. I love pretending like I know how to sing before a live studio audience. I love embarassingly bad wretched method acting. I love getting into fights as a thin excuse for getting my shirt ripped off by other manly men. I love long melodramatic sililoquies in which I get to climb the scenery. I love ... {ragged breathing & shirt tearing ensues}

{the effect dissipates}

Jerk: I ... uh ... {clutches remains of uniform shirt} ... what was that ?!
Spock: It was the Romancian superweapon, Captain. There have been unsettling rumors for months now of a psychic weapon. It appears those rumors have now been confirmed.
Jerk: {pause} That was GREAT !!
Jerk: Uhura ... open hailing frequencies, and tell them to shoot us again !

{fade out}

Post by **laurie** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 8:10 pm

It amazes me how clueless these guys are about the number of romance novels published each year.

Kilgore Trout · Post by **Kilgore Trout** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 8:43 pm

laurie wrote:It amazes me how clueless these guys are about the number of romance novels published each year.

Well, not totally clueless, Ms Silverstone.

I have, after all, been working new releases.

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 9:16 pm

*dies*

Brad.... omg.... omFg.... *pisses self*

*hug* lord I wish we'd had more time to hang out

Kilgore.... new releases huh? For which publishers? Harlequin? Loveswept? Mira? Silhouette (3 of the 4 are all the same company - which of these things just doesn't belong here?), Avon, Signet, Penguin, Pocket?

Romance novels are a frighteningly HUGE market.

Kilgore Trout · Post by **Kilgore Trout** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 9:21 pm

I'm merely observing that on any general fiction list, Romance holds a huge share of the new releases.

Post by **laurie** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 10:38 pm

tollbaby wrote:For which publishers? Harlequin? Loveswept? Mira? Silhouette (3 of the 4 are all the same company - which of these things just doesn't belong here?), Avon, Signet, Penguin, Pocket?

... Warner ... Dell ... HarperCollins ... Zebra (Kensington) ... Leisure (Dorchester) ... Ballantine ... Jove ... St. Martin's ...

It's more like - Who doesn't publish Romance?

Sean Whitton · Post by **Sean Whitton** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:07 am

Singing in Maths is great. A boy called JoeW and I have a thing at the moment of singing the high elvish bits of LOTR sporadically and spontaneously throughout the day. Teachers and pupils get annoyed

Kilgore Trout · Post by **Kilgore Trout** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 12:28 am

I just added a book that should please everyone:
Paragaea: A Planetary Romance

Post by **Darb** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 7:23 pm

Tollbaby: Heheheh. My old roleplaying group used to occasionally do various incarnations of Star Trek (among many other genres) ... does it show ?

[Mod note: minor thread surgery, to consolidate all Star Trek spoof posts into single thread.]

Post by **Darb** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 11:50 am

{Bridge, U.S.S. Enterprise}
Sulu: They've been over there for a long time. How long do we wait ?
Chekov: As long az eet takes.
Sulu: {Gazes at the R.S.C. Fabio on the main display ... the Romancian Bird of Prey drifts past, with a large picture of Fabio airbrushed on the underside.}
Chekov: I hear that when Romulans make SubCmdr, they get to pick their favorite Romance cover art model, and name their ship after them.

{T'Laurie's boudoir aboard the R.S.C. Fabio}

SubCmdr T'Laurie: So, now that you're in command, what do you intend to do ? You would have an honored place in the Romancian Empire.
Spock: I never sought command, but the blast from your romantic plasma weapon drove our Captain insane, and I had to put him in the brig. I have not, as of yet, given thought of what to do next. The residual effects of the blast have left me ... unsettled.
T'Laurie: {caresses Spock's cheek} your place is here at my side, Spock, aboard the Fabio.
Spock: I must confess, I find your offer tempting.

{Below decks, R.S.C. Fabio}

{Capt. Jerk, in disguise, approaches the Romancian guard stationed outside the room housing the superweapon}

Guard: Stop - this areas is restricted.
Jerk: T'Laurie ordered the guards to be doubled - I'm here to assist.
Guard: Centurion, I dont recognize ...
Jerk: {knees guard with stunning force in the nads, and slips past}
Guard: ... owwww - I want my romulan mommy ...
Jerk: {using communicator} Scotty, i'm in.
Scotty: Ok, describe it to me.
Jerk: The device is short, fat and stubby, with a large round protrubance near the base.
Scotty: {snicker} I bet it's balding too. {snicker}
Jerk: Oh, very funny. How do I detach it ?
Scotty: {snicker} It's probably a strap-on, so just loosen the belt. {snicker}
Jerk: Would you knock it off ! The guards will be here any second. {begins fiddling with apparatus}. Ok, it's free ... beam me aboard. !

{T'Laurie's boudoir aboard the R.S.C. Fabio}
T'Laurie: So, is it true what they say in the anatomical texts about about Vulcan men - that it's green ...
Centurion: Sub-Cmdr !
T'Laurie: I left orders not to be disturbed.
Centurion: There's been a break in. The Humans stole ...

{Engineering, aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise}
Scotty: ... a backup phase coupler ?!
Jerk: What ?
Scotty: Are ye daft man ? All that planning, and you stole the wrong piece of equipment ?!

Jerk:

{T'Laurie's boudoir aboard the R.S.C. Fabio}
T'Laurie:

Spock: Now you know why I had to relieve him. The man's an idiot.

Post by **Darb** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 1:01 pm

Laurie, in honor of you, the next book I'm reading is this one.

Post by **Darb** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 1:35 pm

Romance - 4722 {+196}
SciFi - 4624 {+98}

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:14 pm

Romance - 4987 {+265}

SciFi - 4732 {+108}

Attempting to re-engage the enemy ...

Post by **laurie** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 6:09 pm

Ever hear of Aesop's fable about the Tortoise and the Hare, Brad?

You're the Hare ...

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 6:14 pm

Funny, I recall the hare being in the lead for most of the race ... since I'm trailing, and since the finishline is nowhere in sight, that means I'm the tortoise.

daetara · Post by **daetara** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 6:22 pm

ooo, good comeback!

brad, as soon as i get my spreadsheet done (which will be soon!) you'll have more ammo...

Post by **laurie** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 6:23 pm

Nope - and I'm not going to explain my reasoning. You'll figure it out.....someday.

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 7:33 pm

brad, as soon as i get my spreadsheet done (which will be soon!) you'll have more ammo

Woo hoo ... reinforcements. Sounds good to me.

harryhermionerw · Post by **harryhermionerw** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 7:46 pm

*sigh* All I gotta say is... crap. =P

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:08 pm

Romance: 4994 {+7}
SciFi: 4738 {+6}

Spock: {scanning} The Romancians have reached the 5k Neutral Zone.
Jerk: Yellow alert. Sulu - follow them in.
Sulu: Aye Captain.
Jerk: Maintain current range. We'll bide our time and try to catch them with their pants down.
Chekov: Eet von't happen.
Jerk: Eh ? Why not ?
Chekov: They're Romancians ... dat means dey vear drezzes.
Jerk:

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 5:38 pm

Romance: 5142 {+148}
SciFi: 4844 {+106}

Sulu: Captain, they've gone to warp ... warp 2 and holding.
Jerk: Stay with them, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu. Aye, Sir.
Spock: Their cloaking device limits their speed, and the Cherenkov radiation caused by the ionization of interstellar dust by their cloak is allowing us to maintain a fix on their course ... but it's not possible to get a weapons lock or scan them directly.
Rand: {passes fuel report to the Captain}
Jerk: {signs}

hours pass ...

Jerk: Are we gaining on them ?
Spock: {totally immersed in a knock-down drag-out game of pong with the ship's computer} ...
Jerk: Spock ?
Spock: Scanning now {continues playing, briefly scans, then resumes playing pong} ... no.
Jerk: Well why the #@$% not ?
Chekov: Yew told us to maintain deestance, Keptin.
Jerk:

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:46 pm

Romance: 5142
SciFi: 4854 {+10}

Post by **Darb** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:22 pm

{switching to ST:TNG genre}

Picard: Report.
Data: According to Starfleet's latest projections, the Romancian Literary Empire will succeed in conquering the alpha quadrant in approximately 393.75 Terran days.
Warg: {snarls}
Laforge: {staring blankly} Data ... that's terrible !
Data: I made no ethical pronouncements Geordie. I merely answered the Captain's database query.
Picard: Options.
Data: ...
Laforge: ...
Riker: ...
Warg: {snarls} Kill them all !!
Picard: ...
Picard: Anyone else ?
Troi: We could try to disguise Wil to look like a Romance Star.
Ro: {grins}
Riker: Now hold on a sec ... I'm not putting in those gossamer pajamas that I wore to that Amazon planet in Season 1 !
Troi: {giggles}
Laforge: {staring blankly} Oh boy, I wish I could have seen that !
Warg: {shouts} We won't win this war with pajamas and seduction ... we have to blow the p'tagh outta them !! {slams fist on console}
Troi: Warg, I'm sensing great anger from you.
Worg: {shouting} Stop stating the obvious, ya Jewish y'ntagh !
Troi: {hurt} I'm not Jewish ... I'm a Greek playing a Betazed !
Picard: {covers eyes}
Crusher: Wait, what about me ? I bet I could seduce them all ! {flexes adolescent muscles}

Riker: ...
Picard: ...
Troi: ...
Ro: ...
Laforge: ...
Warg: We're doomed.

Post by **Darb** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 3:10 pm

Romance: 5143 {+1)
SciFi: 4872 {+18}

Warg: They're slowing to sublight, Captain.
Picard: Looks like you may get your chance, Mr. Crusher.
Wesley: {looking suddenly nervous} I won't let you down, Sir !
Warg: {waits for Wesley to leave} Captain, you can't be serious ... we're sending the boy ?! Please - let me arm the photon torpedoes.
Picard: {intercom} Bevery ... is the Romancian Pheremone Spray ready yet ?
Beverly: {intercom} Yes Captain, although I had to redo the formula 8 times. The 9th was the charm. Have you selected a code-word for it ?
Picard: I was thinking Axe.
Laforge: {guffaw}