HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[Darb]

GHOST: I beat you to the Politics of Cows gag way back in July 2003. Yours is just a slightly updated version.

[Mr. Titanic]

Now, lets not take offence.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...the
Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

[laurie]

I am soooooooo glad I have brown hair.....

[Darb]

She mounts the horse unassisted ...

I'm not even going to say what went though my mind when I read that ...

[Darb]

Snip ...

New Living Will Form:

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______Glass of wine
______Margarita
______Martini
______Steak and baked potato
______Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______Mexican food
______Hamburger and fries
______Pizza
______The remote control
______Bowl of ice cream
______My laptop
______Chocolate
______Sex
______A cigarette

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

[Darb]

Snip ...

An Arizona farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing the land with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Mr. Titanic]

I have a few more I'd like to add. They are not Blonde Jokes, but I do find some humor in them, how very perceptive!

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Darb]

snip ...

A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers!
What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol
consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of
course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry
would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
-----------------

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8} Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before

10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills

15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good!!

[Ghost]

[quote]Watermelons

A farmer in the country discovered that some kids had been stealing fruit from his watermelon patch. So he put up a sign that read “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS RAT POISON!â€

[Darb]

Snip ...

The Original Computer: A Pencil
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Irish Parable

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some
bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked.... but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.

"Well, Son," O'Malley said, "We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well....I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer....but you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
after I am gone."

(You gotta love the Irish!!)

[Darb]

snip

Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered,

"No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[Darb]

snip

> Nine Things I Hate About Everyone
>
>
>
> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the
>time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I
>point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
>
>
>
> 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the
>entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V.
>and change the channel manually.
>
>
>
> 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat
>it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
>
>
>
> 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
>course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found
>it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
>
>
>
> 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
>No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
>
>
>
> 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really
>give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
>
> 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
>new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
>improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
>
>
>
> 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the
>longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
>
>
>
> 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the
>bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
>

[laurie]

Sounds like George Carlin paid a visit to your in-box, Brad.

[Darb]

Why We Broke Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

Don't think she's coming back.....

[Greabo Girl]

Wait, no Welsh jokes? *cracks fingers* Right then...


What do you call a sheep hanging from a lamp-post in Cardiff?

Spoiler: show

A leisure centre

~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear the Welsh have discovered a new use for sheep?

Spoiler: show

Wool

~~~~~~~~~~
In America they put woman on a pedestal but in Wales they've put her on their national flag.
~~~~~~~~~~
Welsh Geologist: Wales is bigger than England because of its hills. If Wales were rolled out as flat as England, it would be the bigger country of the two.
~~~~~~~~~~
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,

“Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"

The Englishman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,

“This boy is mine.â€

[laurie]

GG, that Welsh Male choir will catch you eventually ....

[Darb]

{snip}

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I ! do. I'v e known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Here's another good one ...

Texas driving tip:

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that a**hole would've tried that sh*t with me'

[laurie]

Sent to me by my 87 year old computer-junkie Uncle Bill:

What Dr. Seuss Would Say About Computers

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted
at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report.

If  your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted
cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!

If  the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel
to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the  hall......

And your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's
getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions
cause unwanted risk,
then you'll have to flash the BIOS
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
just quickly turn the darn thing off
and run to tell your Mom!

[mccormack44]

THANK you, Laurie!

You really cheered up the McCormick household. Bob had to stay home from work with a bad cold and I have a sore (slightly abraded) inner lip from dental work, so we were both sitting around trying not to feel sorry for ourselves. The laugh we got from your computer post truly cheered us up.

Sue

[laurie]

Sorry to hear you're both under the weather, Sue, and glad I could give you a chuckle. My uncle sends me "stuff" every week, but rarely are they as cute as this one!

[Darb]

The Bishop and the Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered t he pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer

[laurie]

Hmmmmm.....

I wonder what the headline for the Bishop's obituary was?

"BISHOP DIES WHILE HANDLING NUN'S ASS"....?????

[laurie]

Another gem from my uncle:

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[Darb]

Laurie

Here's my own answer to the age old question "Which came first, the chicken or the egg ?":

Spoiler: show

Answer: Neither ... the Rooster came first, and promptly fell asleep. The hen didn't cum at all, and the egg arrived last.

---------------------
Another good one ...

{snip}

Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Enid, Oklahoma, traveled to Lewisville, Texas for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown
street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each,
Shirts $2.00 each and, Trousers $2.50 a pair. Bubba Wayne says, "Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Enid, sell 'em to all our friends and make a fortune fer us."

Bubba Wayne continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Okie accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us.
Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Texan drawl so's they won't know."

They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Texan drawl, "I'll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my
pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Oklahoma, ain'cha?"

"Well.. ..yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners.

[laurie]

This one had me spitting tea:

There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church,  the Methodist Church, and The Catholic Church.  Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

                                                       
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

                           
In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.


The members of the CATHOLIC CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

                                                        
But -- the METHODIST CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.