HUMOR: Food & Beverage Laughs

felonius · Post by **felonius** » Tue Nov 23, 2004 10:02 am

I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't - a friend of mine back home sent it to me. Someone stuck a note on the fridge in the staff lunchroom where she works apologizing for breaking someone's jar of Branston pickle sandwich condiment and offering compensation. The jar happened to be hers. Here's what she wrote back:

Alas my lost pickly condiment
Used infrequently - I wasn't so fond of int
Worry not, my feelings were tepid
And the little brown chunks were nearly fetid
Although your offer is of worthy creed
Reimbursement is not in need.

Post by **Darb** » Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:42 am

[MOD ALERT: Moved to the tap room]

Funny stuff !

Post by **Darb** » Tue Nov 23, 2004 4:50 pm

Funny e-mail someone sent me ...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it..........don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOOHOO! What a Ride!"

Post by **Darb** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 11:39 am

(snip)

Turkey talk
November 20, 2004
Associated Press
Betsy Taylor

ST. LOUIS -- Mary Clingman, director of the Butterball Turkey Talk Line in Downers Grove, Ill., was cited as saying she expects to take more than 100,000 inquiries through Christmas, adding, "We got a call from a guy last year whose turkey wouldn't fit in his pan. He wrapped it in a towel and stomped on it until it did."

The story says that another caller cut a turkey in half with a chain saw, then worried that oil on the saw might have transferred onto the turkey. A woman in Colorado who left her turkey outside to keep it frozen realized she couldn't find it when more snow fell.

And one phone call began: "You don't know anything about kitty litter, do you?" Clingman was cited as explaining that a woman called after her husband poured kitty litter on the bottom of a new grill in hopes of absorbing drippings. Fortunately, the grill hadn't been lit yet, so the turkey was pulled off and cooked more conventionally.

Kathy Bernard with the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hotline in Beltsville, Md., was cited as saying a caller last year wanted to make her bird inside a roasting bag, but didn't have one, so had improvised, adding, "She pulled a dry cleaning bag off her husband's suit, and it melted onto the bird."

Butterball Turkey Talk Line: 1-800-288-8372 USDA Meat and Poultry Hotline: 1-800-535-4555 Perdue Consumer Help Line: 1-800-473-7383

Kahrey · Post by **Kahrey** » Wed Dec 01, 2004 1:24 pm

Post by **Darb** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:29 am

snip ...

Just a reminder for you all: Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Post by **Darb** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 9:25 pm

(snip)

Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily
Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new
hybrid grape, which acts as an anti-diuretic
and will reduce the number of trips an older person
has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More

Blahahahahaha !

Hunter B · Post by **Hunter B** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 9:32 pm

Hahahaha! That's great!!!

Post by **laurie** » Tue Jan 11, 2005 10:26 pm

... will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More

So Brad - how many cases are you buying?

Post by **Darb** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 1:51 pm

Snip ...

HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE

A man walked into the produce section of his local
Supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they
only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager
about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager, "Some dummy wants to buy half a head of
lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half.

"The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here.

Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, Sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing in Texas but
whores and football players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No way??" replied the boy."Who'd she play for?"

/me hastily downs a glass of Pinot More to avoid wetting self.

Post by **Darb** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 12:39 pm

Our old friend, Jacques Chirac, of France, dealt a culinary insult to Britain and Finland recently, at the G8 summit ... calling British food "bad", and Finnish food even worse. If I remember part of his quote correctly, he said, among other things, that "Britain's chief contribution to the culinary scene was Mad Cow disease."

/me grabs JC around the neck, and pounds a wedge of Stilton into his beaujolais-reddend face.

- $0.02

Post by **Kvetch** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 12:57 pm

I don't know about Finnish food, but I'd prepared to agree with him about British food. What *exactly* have we ever invented that is pleasant to eat?

Deep-fried Mars bars.

Mind you, while I hate to agree with brad about France, but IIRC the first BSE cows were French...

Post by **Darb** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 1:07 pm

What *exactly* have we ever invented that is pleasant to eat?

Lesse ...

* Bubble & Squeak
* Too Greasy Fish & Chips
* Bangers & Mash
* Dover Sole in Insipid Sauce
* Overcooked Trout encrusted w/Undercooked Oatmeal

Hmmm ... ok, perhaps that old arrogant frog, JC, is right after all.

Post by **laurie** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 3:50 pm

Kvetch wrote:What *exactly* have we ever invented that is pleasant to eat?

Scones? (technically Scottish, but the frog said British, not English, and Scotland is part of Britain ... for now, at least ...)

Also:
Strawberries and cream (REAL cream!)
Plum pudding
Shortbread

Post by **Darb** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:01 pm

Scotland is part of Britain

Bite your tongue ... Scotland is part of the UK, not Britain.

Oh, and I'll add my vote for berries & devonshire cream, and holiday pudding.

Scones and shortbread are more Scottish/Irish, than British ... even though the old arrogant frog was probably referring to the UK as a whole, rather than just Britain per se.

Post by **laurie** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:08 pm

UK = England, Wales, Scotland, and N. Ireland.

Great Britain = England, Wales, and Scotland.

Post by **Kvetch** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:09 pm

EDIT: laurie beat me to it...

Wrong - Scotland is part of the island of Great Britain. *Ireland* isn't, and saying that will get you into trouble, but the Scots are Brits. Try calling the Sctots Irish or Welsh English and you are liable to get decked. Mind you. I *am* English, and I try and deny it.

The state's full title is the UK of GB and NI.

Interesting story that I heard, that for a long time they were intending to make the UK domain name .gb - until someone pointed out that it would be wrong...

Post by **Darb** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:15 pm

I sit corrected. Everytime my eyes read "British" my ears hear "English".

No excuse for me ... esp since I always aced geography whenever I had it in school.

mccormack44 · Post by **mccormack44** » Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:06 pm

I would think Yorkshire pudding would have to be given as a British culinary accomplishment.

And also various British ways with beef. In fact the french word is "bifstek" (spelling uncertain), for steak. (Beef steak, for us "barbarians' who speak English and therefore invented the term.

Sorry, Tollbaby and other speakers of Canadian French. The above slam about English being a barbarian language, is directed at the mentality of the French Academy, not at normal speakers of French.

Sue

Post by **Kvetch** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 5:36 am

mmmmmmm. Yorkshire pud.

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 8:29 am

That's okay, I've always been a bit dumfounded to see "rosbif" on French menus (guess what it is... sound it out... no, I'm *not* kidding). What's wrong with "boeuf rÃ´ti"? *growl*

The French (the real French) steal English terms all the time, but it's okay, because they do it with that outrageous accent and so get away with it (water closet, weekend, parking, shopping, etc.) The rest of us tend to use the proper terms (although "Cheez Whiz" is one we've yet to find a translation for, and it seems to be applicable to any and all processed cheese products, whether jarred, canned, or solid).

I've never seen "bifsteak", but a steak house is a "BifthÃ¨que" in french. It might amuse you all a bit more when you realize that a dance club is a "discothÃ¨que" and a library is a "bibliothÃ¨que"

mccormack44 · Post by **mccormack44** » Thu Jul 07, 2005 10:21 pm

I probably meant bifthÃ¨que; but when I learned of the term it appeared to apply to the cut of meat. Remember that my French is all from books, and it has all but disappeared through lack of use.

You left out the (non-culinary) redigÃ´te (riding coat) form your list; it has always greatly amused me.

Sue

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Fri Jul 08, 2005 8:35 am

Sue, I've honestly never seen that word before in my life LOL It's probably a "parisian" French word, as opposed to one in general use. Sadly, written French is NOTHING like spoken French in most places... written French is very highfalutin with archaic terms and it's very formal. Spoken French (even in France and Belgium) is a lot more casual and modernized. This is why I *hate* reading French books.

mccormack44 · Post by **mccormack44** » Fri Jul 08, 2005 9:29 pm

Yes, I'd gotten that impression in my student days; but written French was all I had available. St. Louis (MO) had a French origin, but the French (language) influence had died out before the middle of the 19th century. And it is hard to have conversational French lessons in a class that consisted of at the most two students, and more frequently just me.

Also my hearing impairment made learning to HEAR spoken French very difficult for me.

Sue

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Sat Jul 09, 2005 9:25 pm

understandable

I'd actually rather watch a French-produced television show or movie than a French-Canadian produced one... just because we tend to use more formal language on tv and film than the French do... but I hate their accent. It's bloody impossible to understand them at high speeds (but then, I say the same about the acadians and the Northern Quebecois)...