HUMOR: Toe Toe-rture (pun alert)

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Wed Jun 08, 2005 7:41 pm

Toeman's alter ego is the founder and CEO of the F.O.O.T. Corporation... His name: T.O.E. Clipper III.

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Wed Jun 08, 2005 7:42 pm

Perhaps his sidekick could be known simply as "Pinky."

Post by **clong** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:24 am

Ok, so now I have this image in my mind, which I thought about photoediting, but I can't really find the images online to make it work. . .

The beginning of my personal favorite passage from The Lord of the Rings:

from "The Siege of Gondor"

The drums rolled louder. Fires leaped up. Great engines crawled across the field; and in the midst was a huge ram, great as a forest-tree a hundred feet in length, swinging on mighty chains. Long had it been forging in the dark smithies of Mordor, and its hideous head, founded of black steel, was shaped in the likeness of a ravening wolf; on it spells of ruin lay. Grond they named it, in memory of the Hammer of the Underworld of old. Great beasts drew it, orcs surrounded it, and behind walked mountain-trolls to wield it.

But about the Gate resistance still was stout, and there the knights of Dol Amroth and the hardiest of the garrison stood at bay. Shot and dart fell thick; siege-towers crashed or blazed suddenly like torches. All before the walls on wither side of the Gate the ground was choked with wreck and with bodies of the slain; yet still driven as by a madness more and more came up.

Grond crawled on. Upon its housing no fire would catch; and though now and again some great beast that hauled it would go mad and spread stamping ruin among the orcs innumerable that guarded it, their bodies were cast aside from its path and others took their place.

Grond crawled on. The drums rolled wildly. Over the hills of slain a hideous shape appeared: a horseman, tall, hooded, cloaked in black. Slowly, trampling the fallen, he rode forth, heeding no longer any dart. And as he did so a great fear fell on all, defender and foe alike; and the hands of men drooped to their sides, and no bow sang. For a moment all was still.

The drums rolled and rattled. With a vast rush Grond was hurled forward by huge hands. It reached the Gate. It swung. A deep boom rumbled through the city like thunder running in the clouds. But the doors of iron and posts of steel withstood the stroke.

Then the Black Captain rose in his stirrups and cried aloud in a dreadful voice, speaking in some forgotten tongue words of power and terror to rend both heart and stone.

Thrice he cried. Thrice the great ram boomed. And suddenly upon the last stroke the Gate of Gondor broke. As if stricken by some blasting spell it burst asunder: there was a flash of searing lightning, and the doors tumbled in riven fragments to the ground.

In rode the Lord of the Nazgul. A great black shape against the fires beyond he loomed up, grown to a vast menace of despair. In rode the Lord of the Nazgul, under the archway that no enemy ever yet had passed, and all fled before his face.

All save one. There waiting, silent and still in the space before the Gate, sat Gandalf upon Shadowfax: Shadowfax who alone among the free horses of the earth endured the terror, unmoving, steadfast as a graven image in Rath Dinen.

BUT, in this version, Grond does NOT boast a ". . . hideous head, founded of black steel, . . . shaped in the likeness of a ravening wolf." Instead the legions of Morder bring forth a giant version of the Monty Python foot, and use the big toe to kick open the gates of Minas Tirith.

Post by **Kvetch** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:38 am

I like that passage too - and thought that the movie almost did it justice.

I'm afraid my photoediting isn't that hot either, but that has not stopped me yet - I give you Toend

(a paste over of the image on the last page, and a still from the film. It sucks. so?)

Post by **clong** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:42 am

Yes, that is the basic idea. . . and better than my feeble attempt!

felonius · Post by **felonius** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 9:50 am

Bravo Kvetch. Take it from a former Mac operator and pre-press Photoshop grunt - ain't bad at all.

Post by **Darb** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 10:31 am

Hmmm ... "Pinky and the Toeman" ... sounds like either a rip on the old "Chico and the Man" TV series, or an anime crossover with "Pinky and the Brain."

TOEMAN: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky ?

PINKY: Yes, but where are we going toe get nylon stockings and a rubber ducky at this hour ? Narf !

KeE · Post by **KeE** » Thu Jun 09, 2005 2:36 pm

This is all toe much. We should all be presecuted with extreme pedjustice...

I'm legging off before they're coming toe take me away.
haha
hoho
haha
hihi

Post by **clong** » Mon Jun 27, 2005 6:30 am

I, for one, am relieved that this toerrent of awful puns seems to have finally run dry.

Post by **Kvetch** » Mon Jun 27, 2005 10:00 am

I believe you spoke toe soon.

felonius · Post by **felonius** » Mon Jun 27, 2005 10:30 am

clong wrote:I, for one, am relieved that this toerrent of awful puns seems to have finally run dry.

But let us all thank the gods of cyberspace that the Bitoerrent network remains alive and flourishing.

Post by **clong** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:04 am

I just hope it doesn't go skynet on us. . . I'm not sure who would save us from the Toerminator.

Post by **Darb** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:07 pm

Wasn't that based on a 1967 short stoery by Harlan Ellison entitiled "I have no toes, and I must pirouette" ?

Post by **clong** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:52 pm

I always thought is was "Repent, Harlequin! Said the Tiptoeman"? That was the one set in a future where all men moved like graceful ballerinas, and the Harlequin was a rebel who dared to slouch, and plod, and move in ungainly ways, right?

KeE · Post by **KeE** » Fri Aug 05, 2005 4:45 am

Inspired a bit by the 1927 film Metoepolis?

KEE

Post by **Darb** » Fri Aug 05, 2005 11:26 am

That was the SciFi noir classic set in a futuristic urban dystoepia, and involved artoeficial intoeigence, right ?

nzilla · Post by **nzilla** » Fri Aug 05, 2005 5:37 pm

Wasn't it also the infamous dictoeter Atoef Hitler's favorite movie?

Post by **Darb** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 9:18 am

I think you're confusing Metoepolis with Der Toering Das Niebelung.

nzilla · Post by **nzilla** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:35 pm

You mean the opera by the antoe-semitoec comtoeser Ritoed Wagner?

Post by **Darb** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:29 pm

/me nods and segues into a stirring rendition of Gottoerdammerung.

KeE · Post by **KeE** » Tue Aug 09, 2005 2:32 pm

Wich of course reminds me of fat ladies singing and riding on battlefields- in turn reminding me of

I love the smell of napalm in the morning - it smells like victoery

KEE

Post by **clong** » Tue Aug 09, 2005 3:02 pm

Other operatic favorites:

La Footsa del Destino
Otoelo
Tarsafal
William Toel

Post by **laurie** » Tue Aug 09, 2005 3:55 pm

What about Toesca and The Bartoered Bride?

mccormack44 · Post by **mccormack44** » Thu Aug 11, 2005 4:23 pm

You also left out:

Il Trovatoere; I was reminded by hearing the Fourth Act aria which is usually translated as "Ah, I have sighed toe rest me â€¦"

Sue

Post by **Darb** » Thu Aug 11, 2005 5:03 pm

What about "The Pedicure of Seville" ?