HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[laurie]

  How To Be A Gracious B***h

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

(copied from a post by rockingmtranch)

The Best Firewall Ever:

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.
2. One sperm cell contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperm cells.
4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.
5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 sec = 1,687,500,000,000,000 byte/second = 1.6875 Terabyte/sec.

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5 Terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) single data package of 37.5 MB, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that only THIS one single small data package passing through, hangs the system for 9 months!

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

As told by rockingmtranch

The [US] National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,

"Oh, sh*t!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

I got an e-mail from a friend in Alabama about my posting this. She said there are the occasional 'YEE-HAW' and 'It ain't that far'.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from roddy32

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asks for a push.

"You crazy?!" says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door shut and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"And? Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't, it's three in the morning and it's pouring buckets!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! I think we should go help him. I'll dress too and help push."

They both get dressed and go out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from JeanInMontana

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked Them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses..................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the................................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of..........termites.

5 You can lead a horse to water but .........how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ...........looks dirty.

7. No news is.......................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a..............Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...............math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ........................stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ....................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the.................pigs.

13. An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is .................not much.

17. Two's company, three's .....................the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......................you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ...............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ................get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ...............see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ..............get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one:

25. Better late than..................................pregnant.

(p2)

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from rockingmtranch

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from JeanInMontana

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women carried the day.

(p3)

[Darb]

I've seen a lot of incarnations of that over the years, but this is the firat time I saw the Spanish angle added on.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Another blonde anecdote (from RON – W3FSY)

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells, "Hey, you guys hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

from roddy32

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

(from RON – W3FSY)

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[voralfred]

And this for Dr. Smith:
We need a new smiley for Dr. Jones....

[MidasKnight]

How about ...

... ?

[voralfred]

You mean, litterarly, LMAO?

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from roddy32

Age Indeterminate

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $ 5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.

She replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, I had a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.

After about 20 seconds she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at the McDonalds."

[sweetharleygirl]

That's great, I'm going to have to tell my husband this one!

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

That's great, I'm going to have to tell my husband this one!

Ah? Didn't he know this gem of a stratagem already?

Caveat: The first few times he tries this tactic, he'll probably be in error. But that's no problem. Whenever the lady says he's wrong, he just has to reply, "Oh well, you can't win them all!" ...

[Darb]

Ah, I wouldn't have clued her in about McDonalds ... why doff the mantle of mystery and wonder that fate and good timing handed you (literally) ?

Besides, it's rarely a good idea to make a lady feel like she's been had.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

... Besides, it's rarely a good idea to make a lady feel like she's been had.

In the immortal words of my grandma (and Cordelia Naismith's too), "If you want to succeed again, keep trying."

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from RON – W3FSY

The Texas Three Kick Rule

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here, or I'll sue you for trespassing."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

from roddy32

Failsafe tactic

A man arrives home one evening to find a gorilla sitting on his roof. Not knowing what to do, he opens the yellow pages and looks under "gorilla removal". He calls the only listing.

A man arrives and takes from his truck the following: a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a dog and a gun.

The homeowner asks what he's going to do with all that stuff, to which he replies: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he's busy eating them, I'm going to knock him off the roof with this stick. When he hits the ground the dog is going to bite him in the balls, at which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs on him."

The homeowner asks, "Why did you bring a gun?"

The man hands the gun to him and says, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, shoot the dog before it bites!"

[umsolopagas]

The one of the drunk on the swing had me in stitches

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

The one of the drunk on the swing had me in stitches

Good. I wouldn't want to have you ROTFL in the rain.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from JeanInMontana

How Blonde Was She?

She was Sooooooo Blonde.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooo Blonde..
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She was Soooooooooo Blonde....
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooo Blonde.....
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She is soooooooooooo Blonde......
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

from JeanInMontana

Watch your step!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps, accidentally, on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she had ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, muscular, and rugged.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from rockingmtranch

Health Concerns

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

Conclusion: Drink, eat and make love all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.

[laurie]

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -- BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Darb]

from rockingmtranch

Health Concerns

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

Conclusion: Drink, eat and make love all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Did I Read That Sign Right? ...

Did I read that post right?

... automatic water mister ...
Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

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