HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[laurie]

Potatoes


A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life...

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Spoiler: show

A  COMMONTATER

[voralfred]

By the way do people from different regions in France have different accents, for instance, can you distinguish between people from Toulouse and Biarritz?

Yes, of course, people from different regions have different accents, but with the television (and, before that, the radio) it tends to be less noticeable than before.
For instance, all the way north they have this savorous "Ch'ti" accent (made very popular by the extremely funny movie "Bienvenue chez les Ch'tis") but in the city of Lille, the capital of the region, you can hardly hear it. Too many people coming from all of France, and the locals "blend in".
There is an accent in the East (Alsace, parts of Lorraine) because some people still speak a totally different language there, close to German, and that has consequences in their French, some kind of German accent, but not quite. And even those who only speak French still have this accent.
And of course, the accents in the South. Being a Parisian, I don't have a very fine-tune ear for that, and can hardly make the Marseilles accent from the Nice one, but I am sure the locals can tell one from the other. I can tell general South-East (Nice and Marseille) from general South-West, but not Toulouse from, say Beziers, though I am sure they can. Biarritz, well this is special, since you have people who live there bur belong to the "general South-West" population on the one hand (and those I could not tell from people from Toulouse), and the Basques who probably have a completely different accent, on the other hand, but though I did visit there once, long ago, I don't remember if I could tell the Basques from the others. But I am sure that a (non-Basque) Bearnais of Pau would find that the people from Toulouse have a totally different accent, though I am sure I could not tell.
Of, of course, the Corsican accent is very special. In the french version of the Bugs Bunny cartoons, the Mafiosi (I suppose they have an Italian accent in English?) have this very exaggerated Corsican accent... hilarious!

[the grim squeaker]

Whats E.T short for?

Spoiler: show

Because he's got little legs!

[laurie]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.  

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies:

Spoiler: show

"Get out. You're on my side."

  

[laurie]

Health Service typos

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow [it says here .... ]

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigor's or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[MidasKnight]

LOL!!!!!

[laurie]

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?
 

My tire was thumping. 
I thought it was flat 
When I looked at the tire... 
I noticed your cat. 
Sorry!

-------------------------------------------
 
Heard your wife left you, 
How upset you must be. 
But don't fret about it... 
She moved in with me.

-------------------------------------------

Looking back over the years 
That we've been together, 
I can't help but wonder... 
What the hell was I thinking?
 
------------------------------------------
 
Congratulations on your wedding day! 

Too bad no one likes your husband.
 
-----------------------------------------
 
How could two people as beautiful as you 

Have such an ugly baby?
 
----------------------------------------
 
I've always wanted to have 
Someone to hold, 
Someone to love. 
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.
 
--------------------------------------- 

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. 

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
 
---------------------------------------
 
As the day goes by, I think of how lucky I am... 

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
 
--------------------------------------- 

Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go.... 
Would you like to take this knife out of my back? 
You'll probably need it again.

--------------------------------------
 
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )
 
--------------------------------------
 
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. 

Almost Lifelike!
 
-------------------------------------
 
When we were together, 
You always said you'd die for me. 
Now that we've broken up, 
I think it's time you kept your promise.
 
-------------------------------------
  
I'm so miserable without you 

It's almost like you're here.
 
------------------------------------
 
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 

Did you ever find out who the father was?
 
-----------------------------------
 
Your friends and I wanted to do 
Something special for your birthday. 
So we're having you put to sleep.
 
-----------------------------------
 
So your daughter's a hooker, 
And it spoiled your day. 
Look at the bright side, 
It's really good pay!

[laurie]

Is sex work?


A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

Spoiler: show

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[Darb]

BTW, I like the new and improved spoiler mod for phpBB 3.x.

[laurie]

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. 

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.   The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.  We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.  My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.  The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. 

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to  poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat rear downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!'

The cab driver nearly hit a parked car.

[umsolopagas]

Two flies are on some dung when one cracks out a loud one. The second looks up in irritation:

Spoiler: show

Hey , I am eating here!!!

[laurie]

Important Women's Health Issue:


-- Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
-- Do you suffer from shyness?
-- Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke


WARNINGS:
-- The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
-- The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
-- The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
-- The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 
 

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

[umsolopagas]

More side-effects
Loud, annoying laughter

[laurie]

Eagles Mate For Life...?

One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her... She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The  sex was good but all the dove would say was... 'I  am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want  to love!'

Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say was... 'I  am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was...

NO, THE DUCK DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!

The  duck said...

Spoiler: show

'I am a DRAKE. You made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!

[Darb]

D'oh !

[laurie]

Potty Training

A little boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grabs the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."

The mother says: "Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
    
Billy says:

Spoiler: show

"Works for ketchup!"

[laurie]

Summary of Life



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license..
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[umsolopagas]

good one

[laurie]

All Seniors Aren't Senile

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Sad announcement:

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 51. Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay there respects, including Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his Elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

R.I.P. I'd say.

[laurie]

That's a good one!

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

That's a good one!

Thank you.
I thought so too. That's why I'm not telling a link to its source.
There're many more good ones over there, but I'll transfer in them driblets.
I may also translate the better Flemish jokes and puns (if possible).

BTW.
Upstate New York, is that where upset New-Yorkers spend their holiday?

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

The young blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.

He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."

She replies, "Well, hellooo, I don't want to waste power, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."

Two cheerleading teams, one all Blondes and one all Brunettes chartered a luxurious double-decker coach for a weekend cheerleading competition in Manchester.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the coach, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found the Blondes all jammed together in the rear of the coach, petrified with fear, staring straight ahead at the road and frantically clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

I translated this comic page. If I'm not mistaken, the books exist only in French.
This comic book series (usually 1-page gags) is called "Les Blondes".
Recommended, if you do read French.
On Googles Images use search term "Les Blondes". It will show many samples to make you

[laurie]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. 

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. 

About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.  Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. 

Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.  He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,  'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'  She says, 'Of course, Dear,'  and they make love for the third time. 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death,  tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.  'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...' 

At this point the wife sits up and says,

Spoiler: show

'Listen Morris, enough is enough  I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'