HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[laurie]

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

That's called overfishing!!!

[laurie]

[voralfred]

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )
 

So it might not has been so incestuous, after all!

For those who understand french, there is a song by the French caribbean singer Henri Salvador on the same topic. For some reason the only YouTube performance I found of this song is by Sacha Distel, not Henri Salvador himself (the lyrics in french are given; essentially the story of Susie, except that it is the boy who has too many sisters... who are not his sisters after all):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1lwOWdUjNo

[CodeBlower]

I've heard a version of that on Pandora .. having trouble tracking down the author/song though ..

[laurie]

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it is more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the little sh*t's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!


Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago ...

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family's dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

Spoiler: show

[MidasKnight]

LOL!!

That one made my day.

Thanks EPS!!

[umsolopagas]

...

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!


Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt.

I do know Schitt intimately and I'm acquainted with some of his Schitt household.

There are Schitts by the bucketload in this incestuous cesspit of a town that there are times it seems like if you stand on this street you may see a Schitt coming out of every exit.

You may not have heard all about Schitt but the old wives tales do mention that an aristocratic immigrant named Lod Lee Schitt settled in these parts ages ago. I think you should ask him about this story of the old Schitt.

I heard Chicken Schitt also had a twin, born out of wedlock, and named Ima Steele Needeep N. Hautt in honour of her great grandmother. (A soap opera twist)

[umsolopagas]

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Click for the answers:

Spoiler: show

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong ... didn't you?
Don't worry.
You don't have Alzheimer's.
You're just a pervert.

[voralfred]

...

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

(....)

Spoiler: show

(....)
You got all 6 wrong ... didn't you?
Don't worry.
You don't have Alzheimer's.
You're just a pervert.

[/size]

yesssss....

Remark: Most of the spoiling part in the spoiler has been removed

[laurie]

...
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

When I emailed this one to my dear sweet Auntie, she immediately called me to say 1) she hadn't laughed that much in 50 years; 2) she's very glad to know she's not demented; and 3) it's a real honor to be called a pervert at her age.

She celebrated her 97th birthday last New Years Day.

[laurie]

Some random sillies...

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Marvin said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. When they reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes."
The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...

No caption needed.



Look again.

Look carefully!

Have you still not noticed anything?

[laurie]

Have you still not noticed anything?

Somebody lost A LOT of weight?

They're wearing a pair of women's jeans?

The guy has a pedicure?

They have a lovely wide-plank white oak hardwood floor? (I'm jealous... )

[umsolopagas]

Siamese twins.

Someone was too literal with the phrase, "I would like to get into your trousers" .

[umsolopagas]

[voralfred]

In a different thread

[...]

A meaningful silence (isn't that an oxymoron?) or aposiopesis is represented by a taciturn ellipsis.
As the ellipsis is written as three consecutive dots it might also mean silentium triplex.

For some reason this reminds me of a joke about three Trappist monks. The rule of htsi order is absolute silence, but those three, for some probably very goo reason were exceptionally allowed by the Abbot to utter one sentence each, one after the other, on three consecutive Pentecost.

On the first year, the youngest monk said. "How I do hate pumpkin soup !"
On the second year, the second monk said "Well, I do like pumpkin soup ! "
And on the third year the oldest one concluded

Spoiler: show

"If you only knew how I am irritated by your persistent quarrels about pumpkin soup !"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...

Does this seem familiar?

To complete your account registration:

Step 1:

Please enter a user name of your choice:

"Grocer101"

Step 2:

Please enter a password of your choice:

"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

Sorry, that password is already in use.

[voralfred]

He should have used the password used by a blonde:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

At least eight characters, and including a capital !