HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[laurie]

Girls' Night Out



Two sisters had gone for a girls' night out. While both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery not far from where they lived. Neither of them had anything to wipe with, so one woman thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her sister however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with the ribbon. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one of the sisters' husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned his brother-in-law and said, "These girls have got to stop this stuff. I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bottom that said.... 'From all of us at the Fire Station -- We'll never forget you!' "

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

My wife, our kids and her mother were in Sankt-Johann-in-Tirol, Austria. One night, halfway between the restaurant and their holiday home, my wife had to pee. Urgently.

There was no café or restaurant in sight any more, so in a deserted sidestreet she chose a low hedge bordering a front yard to more or less hide herself from public view. She lowered her jeans and panties, and crouched over a patch of bare earth.

Unfortunately the house's occupant had seen her and correctly deduced what was happening. My wife was in full swing when he stormed out of his house and yelled: "Raus! Raus! Das macht Man hier nicht!" (Out! Out! That is not done here!)

My wife pulled up her pants in record time and skedaddled.

Back home, when she told this anecdote to her lady friends and me, she said, "I'm not sure, but I think I inadvertently mooned him. And you know, that one time I barely managed it, but otherwise I've never ever been able to stop peeing halfway before I was done. "

---

We used to have a large garden. Often when my wife was somewhere in the back of the garden, some 100 or more meters from the house, she didn't come in to pee. She just sought a spot surrounded by shrubbery, lifted/lowered more or less clothing, crouched and let go.

Until one day that she got a bladder infection which rendered peeing even more urgent, but also painful and excessively frequent.

Her gynecologist doctor told her not to worry, as the symptoms would easily subside in 2 to 4 days with medication. But he added, "Ms E, from now on, you had better always use the indoor toilet, especially with chilly weather. You appear too susceptible to a fresh draught, not to mention other hazards. E pericoloso, you know? "

[laurie]

Sunday Lessons

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

[umsolopagas]

Out of the mouths of babes

[umsolopagas]

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Rebound

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turns and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Better think twice!

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

(The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.)

[laurie]

Party Time




A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the @#$%&*! who pushed me in the pool!'

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Bad depilatory advice

My neighbor discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy 'Nair Hair Remover' and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the store and got the 'Nair Hair Remover'.

The pharmacist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist replied, 'Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady informed him 'Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist concluded with, 'Stay off your bicycle'.

[umsolopagas]

[umsolopagas]

From the cellar of the The Quill & Fountain Pub on The Amateur's Alcove Lane

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by
the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only
the first line of a bad novel.

10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty
that defied description."

7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep...Andre creep...Andre creep.'"

6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley
sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
penguins often do."

3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese,
the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger
and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the
castle window, revealing the ravaged princess, hand at throat, crown
asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying
beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,
screaming madly, 'You lied!'"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

... the first line of a bad novel.
AND THE WINNER IS...

1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the
castle window, revealing the ravaged princess, hand at throat, crown
asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying
beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,
screaming madly, 'You lied!'"

Why is this so bad?

It seems to me this version is much more realistic and credible than the fairy tale. "I shall metamorphose into a handsome prince" indeed. The very idea.

Of course he lied. What chance otherwise would a poor horny frog have with any self-respecting girl. And it's no wonder that with old wives' tales he manages to beguile princesses. They're notoriously gullible.

[laurie]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes in the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog! My mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!!!

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Thought provoking.

I don't understand how some people, among millions of seeds, managed to be fastest.

Recent research has shown that railroad trains don't ride on time, but on tracks.

After rain comes rains. Check the grammar textbook.

A woman's emancipation stops when her car breaks down.

With IT-geeks everything works automatically, but nothing by itself.

Who burns his butt should be glad not to have faced the opposite way.

Manager's speech: Last year we stood at the edge of the abyss, but since then we've taken an impressive step forward.

Crime is organised. That leaves the police.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by once more?

With money we don't have, we buy things we don't need, to impress people we don't like.

Nothing has been shared as equally as brains. Everybody thinks to have enough.

A doctor knows a little about a lot. A specialist knows a lot about a little. I'm a super genius, I know everything about nothing.

I don't talk too fast. You listen too slowly.

Golf balls are like marbles to rich people who don't like to crouch or stoop.

Love is blind. She can't find me.

Where there's a will there's a way. Alas, there's a roadblock.

Some people think they can think, but ... they just think so.

If work were good, the rich wouldn't have foisted it on the poor.

The existence of extraterrestrial intelligence is proven by the fact that we haven't been contacted.

Medical science still hasn't found a vaccine to reduce the infectiousness of yawning.

A cleavage is like the sun: you may look at it, but don't stare.

Life is like a nose. You have to pick whatever there's in it.

I'm still a bachelor. My in-laws are childless.

Some people never exaggerate. They remember things BIG.

When you get a raise for good performance, you've been underpaid for quite a while.

Stupid answers to stupid (and not-so-stupid) questions were invented by hard- and software helpdesks.

[umsolopagas]

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Why Sicilian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

Luca, an old Sicilian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, "Vito, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

Vito: "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

Luca: "You lissina me, boy. Some-a day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Some-a day you gonna come-a home and maybe find-a your wife in-a the bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then, huh?
Point-a to the Rolex wristwatch and say: Time's up!"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Why do we say boob ?

Of course the existing English synonyms for breast were not enough for Americans, so they wanted an additional specific word, hence the singular boob and the plural boobs (though never more than two in one set, except in Science Fiction).

Well, the root word is very simply based on the graphical illustration from 3 different angles of view, occipital (top view), ventral (front view) and lateral (side view):

Spoiler: show

Self-explanatory, isn't it?

I love different points of view!

[MidasKnight]

LOL!!!!

Very nice. Well played.

[laurie]

LOL!!!

Did you enjoy drawing that, EPS?

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

For Firefox Bashers

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

.

Commercial blooper shown in a Belgian TV talk-show.

The Flemish TV-commentator reveals that the snake shown, first in the still image, then in the video clip, is an actor in live advertising. The animal has a sn(e)aky but hilarious sense of humour, somewhat embarrassing to its handlers.

Watch and/or download it here.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

from RON – W3FSY

Italian Golfers live longer

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married! Why would an 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wants to?'

[laurie]

Confused........ But Now I Get It

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service' ????

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[umsolopagas]

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

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