HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[laurie]

A Riddle


Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his with women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?


Answer:

Spoiler: show

A Last Name

[laurie]

Hillbilly Emergency Service



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

28 Telltale Signs That, Sadly, You've Grown Up

(1) Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

(2) Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

(3) You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

(4) 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

(5) You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

(6) You watch the Weather Channel.

(7) Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

(8) You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

(9) Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

(10) You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

(11) Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

(12) You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

(13) Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

(14) You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

(15) Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

(16) You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

(17) Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

(18) Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

(19) You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

(20) A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

(21) You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

(22) "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

(23) 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

(24) You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

(25) Your barber now trims your eyebrows and ear hair without asking.

(26) You need mnemonics to remember names.
(example: you think of Sadis Day to remember Gladys Knight)

(27) It's getting harder to remember mnemonics.

(28) You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Cop a feel

A woman with a baby was sitting in the examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first paediatric exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a professional and very thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Why, Oh Why?
Also some oxymoronic sentences.

When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand? (I use my ring finger)

Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

Why can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Why is stealing from one book called plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?

If people vanished without a trace, how do we know they are missing?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

Is there anything easier done than said?

Isn't it ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

Why would superman want to leap over tall buildings in a single bound if he can fly?

Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere ... which way does it spin at the equator?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

[laurie]

Your secret is out: You're not EPS, you're an amalgam of Andy Rooney and George Carlin!

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Your secret is out: You're not EPS, you're an amalgam of Andy Rooney and George Carlin!

I wish!

Unless I wrote or translated it myself, I post everything as quotes.

[voralfred]

Oxymorons

(...)
19. Military Intelligence

You forgor
"friendly fire"

1/2 bonus for you if you find the source....

[umsolopagas]

needs no words

[laurie]

Bath Time


A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my shoulders. I can splash it on my face."

[voralfred]

It took me some time to understand this joke

(...)
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my shoulders. I can splash it on my face."

I was wonderding "past whose other girl's eyes"?
since, being french, I read: "past 'er eyes"
But that did not make sense...
Finally, I got it: you read "eu" in "pasteurized" as "ew" in "few".
Is this the "accepted" US pronounciation?

Louie Pastyour would be surprised.....

[laurie]

Finally, I got it: you read "eu" in "pasteurized" as "ew" in "few".
Is this the "accepted" US pronounciation?

That's about right, though regional accents affect the pronunciation.

I say it more like "past - yer - eyes", where "yer" rhymes with "her".

And Monsieur Pasteur is "Loo - ee Past - yer".

[voralfred]

Finally, I got it: you read "eu" in "pasteurized" as "ew" in "few".
Is this the "accepted" US pronounciation?

That's about right, though regional accents affect the pronunciation.

I say it more like "past - yer - eyes", where "yer" rhymes with "her".

And Monsieur Pasteur is "Loo - ee Past - yer".

For our national "Good Doctor" rhyming with "her" is about the right vowel... but why the "y"?

"Loo - ee Past - er".

Just like "her" but without any consonant at the beginning, no "h" but no "y" either.

[laurie]

For our national "Good Doctor" rhyming with "her" is about the right vowel... but why the "y"?

I guess it's my way of dealing with the "eu" - I think both letters need to be pronounced, if only slightly. So if I say "ee - ur" quickly, I get "yer".

I am definitely NOT an expert in this area!

[MidasKnight]

I definitely pronouce the two words differently.

The doc: 3 syllables - Past EWWW er
The process: PAST yer eyes

No idea why.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

My turn I suppose.

Pasteur: I use the French pronunciation, almost like Georges Brassens did.

pasteurized: I would distinctly pronounce the ending d, like Davy Jones does with ending t's and d's in Pirates of the Caribbean, but not so ... er, well, not so pronounced as him.

[MidasKnight]

I was phonetically spelling pasteurize ... but the past tense would certainly have the ending d sound.

[laurie]

I was phonetically spelling pasteurize ... but the past tense would certainly have the ending d sound.

Same for me.

[voralfred]

For our national "Good Doctor" rhyming with "her" is about the right vowel... but why the "y"?

I guess it's my way of dealing with the "eu" - I think both letters need to be pronounced, if only slightly. So if I say "ee - ur" quickly, I get "yer".

I am definitely NOT an expert in this area!

That's why! But in french, it is quite frequent that a group of two (or event three) letters is an indication of a unique sound that has no letter for it, or sometimes, that does have a letter for it, but we have a several ways of writing it:
as example of the second case au or eau are exact equivalent of o
as examples of the first ou is a unique sound (oo in english) and eu is a long and strong sound which is only approximated by the short "e muet" that comes at the end of many feminine nouns and especially adjectives in the feminine form. The the sound of the english her, minus the consonant, is between the two, very close to a lazy pronouciation of eu.

Certainly the english language also have "apparent diphtongs" that are just a unique vowel, either by doubling oo, ee, or two different vowels ea, which has two different sounds as in read present vs preterit, neither of which is a diphtong.

My turn I suppose.

Pasteur: I use the French pronunciation, almost like Georges Brassens did.

pasteurized: I would distinctly pronounce the ending d, like Davy Jones does with ending t's and d's in Pirates of the Caribbean, but not so ... er, well, not so pronounced as him.

When did Brassens speak of Pasteur? I don't remember such a song.
Oh, sure, there was the problem of the "d" at the end... but that would not have prevented understanding the joke, it is just a parasitic sound at the end. What kept me from getting the joke was that I had no idea that an english-speaking person would ever put a "y" sound in either Pasteur or pasteurised. Well, I only spent 3 years in the US and though I do speak (not just write) english with a lot of people on many occasions, the majority of them are not native english speakers either (japanese, russians, germans, dutch/flemish-belgians, finns, brits.. OOOPS, the latter are supposed to be native english speakers, but are they? )

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Bath Time
...
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
...

I wonder if this isn't obsolete.

Isn't milkman an extinct profession nowadays? Recycled to ice-cream man?
He would probably ask the blonde if she wanted vanilla or strawberry or so.

When did Brassens speak of Pasteur? I don't remember such a song.

I meant the way he pronounced the R.

[umsolopagas]

An old lady decided to
go on a photo safari in Africa.
She took her family and her dog
. One day, the dog
starts chasing
butterflies and before long
gets lost. So,
wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with him in mind for
lunch.
The dog thinks,"OK,
I'm in deep trouble now!" Then
he notices some leopard
bones and immediately settles
down to chew on the bones
with his back to the cat. Just
as the leopard is in hearing
distance the dog
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that
was one delicious leopard. I
wonder if there are any more
around?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts
his attack in mid-stride, a look
of terror comes him and he
leaps into the trees. "Whew,"
says the leopard. "That was
close. That dog nearly
had me for lunch!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who
had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree and
decides to put the information
to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog
sees the monkey
chasing the leopard with great
speed, and figured that
something is up.
The monkey soon catches up
witht he leopard, spills the
beans and strikes a deal and
the leopard is furious at being
made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my
back and you can watch what
I'll do to that conniving
canine."
Now the dog sees the
leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and
wonders what he'll do now?"
But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to
his attacker again and tried to
remain calm ...and just when
they get close enough to hear,
the dog says..."Where's
that fool monkey, I sent him
out a half an hour ago to
bring me another leopard!"

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

Brain kickers

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

No title needed.

"What's this?" asked a motorist while being handed a speeding ticket.

"It's a traffic violation ticket," replied the police officer. "Collect four and you get a bicycle."

[laurie]

Out of the Mouths of Babes (NOT the blonde kind...)


NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'Would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What did he do?

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'Why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[E Pericoloso Sporgersi]

...
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, ...

I wonder what exactly was routine,
the report or the vandalism at an elementary school?

...
POLICE # 1
... interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. ... ' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'Would you please tie my shoe?'
...

I was taught to tie my shoestrings ( a bow knot) when I was 4, going on 5, in a group of same-age children. We learned it and practised on discarded women's corsets. I'm sure it must have had a profound influence on my appreciation of the other gender (*).

(*) BTW.
Henceforth I shall never again say "opposite sex". I just realised that I've never opposed women, nor girls when I was a boy. On the contrary. I've always fervently approved of the female gender!