HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[daetara]

yeah, that wasn't him...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/williams.asp

[Darb]

Whoops ... sorry for passing along an urban legend. I posted it as is, straight from my in-box. It did seem a bit politically hard-nosed and right-wingish for Williams.

It's still funny though.

[daetara]

i totally agree...i'm just a self-appointed dispeller of e-myths. the people at work have (i hope) learned not to forward some things to me without checking them first.

like the ones about the people who killed someone and are getting out of jail next year and omigod we have to write our congresspeople to intervene and never mind the fact that not only did they not kill the specific person in question but they in fact got out of prison 10 years ago and are living their lives peaceably in norway....

[violetblue]

My friend, who is a doctor, mind you, forwarded one of those "Microsoft will send you $250 bucks for every person you forward this message to" emails. Now, how do you get to be an educated adult and still believe this stuff? Most of my friends know not to forward that stuff to me, too, daetera. In fact, at my work, if you send any email that could be construed as any type of chain letter, you could be fired, because it is stated that you are not to send or forward these types of emails.

[tollbaby]

My mom has a tendency to forward me the most ludicrous stuff "just in case it's true".... ugh. I always simply reply with a snopes link (or other appropriate source). Her response is always "Well it COULD be true!!! and anyway, what does that Snape guy know? What makes your source any better than mine?"....



And of course, she gets mad because I reply to all the people she sent this drivel to in the first place (well, wouldn't want THEIR relatives thinking that they're idiots for passing it on LOL)

[laurie]

A web-link sent by my uncle this time:

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7/GVM.htm

[Mr. Titanic]

I heard this joke on the radio this morning. I forgot the first part, however, so I'll substitute an appropriate line in place of what I forgot.

Holiday Spirit in Heaven

St. Peter was awaiting three men at the gates of Heaven, and would only allow those in who had Christmas spirit.

The first man walks up and hears of the criteria, pulls off his sock and says "This is symbolic of a stocking" and he is let in.

The second man to arrive digs into his pocket and rattles his keys "these are Christmas bells" he exclaimed. He was let through the gates.

The third man dug into his pocket, and pulled out a pair of panties, looked at St. Peter and said "These are Carols'."

[Darb]

Snip ...

(apologies for the bad formatting .... posted unendited, as is)

>Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr. Fenton go


>with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to


>get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter

>sent to her from the store:

>

>Dear Mrs. Fenton,

>Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

>commotion in our store. We can not tolerate this behavior and may ban

>both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our

>video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are
listed below.

>Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

>

>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's

>carts when they weren't looking.

>

>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at

>5-minute intervals.

>

>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

>restrooms.

>

>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

>'Code 3' in house wares ...and watched what happened.

>

>5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on

>layaway.

>

>6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

>

>7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other

>shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

>

>8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry

>and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

>

>9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,

>and picked his nose.

>

>10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the

>clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

>

>11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the

>"Mission Impossible" theme.

>

>12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using

>different size funnels.

>

>13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,

>yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

>

>14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes


>the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

>

>And last, but not least ...

>

>15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then


>yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Ghost]

Mr. Fenton is my hero.

[Darb]

I've done number 9.

[Hunter B]

Bwahahaha! This strikes a very special chord with me. The school's football coach is Coach Fenton (and his wife is the Song & Cheer coach). It also kinda seems like he'd do some of those things...

[Darb]

Snip ...

> It's Holiday Party Time. Guidelines for the true reveler.
>
> 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
> knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
> immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
>
> 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
> scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
> can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
> it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
> into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
> for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
>
> 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
> Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
> potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.
>
> 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
> whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
> with an automatic transmission.
>
> 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
> your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
> people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
>
> 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
> You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
> time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
> while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
>
> 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
> frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
> yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
> becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
> If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
>
> 8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if
> you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
> three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
>
> 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
> celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
> standards.
>
> 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
> get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;
> start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
>
> Have a great holiday season!
>

[laurie]

Some Biblical humor sent by (who else?) my uncle:

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless. 

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.   David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson.  He brought the house down. 

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing. 

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. 

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS...  Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible.  It says . . . "He-brews"

[Darb]

/me groans

[voralfred]

12.  THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

Well, obviously this cannot be in the Bible, as that would be clearly impossible and the Bible won't ever say anything provably false.

At least if Joshua's son is anything like mine....

[Darb]

Tollbaby will like this one:

{snip}

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50º Fahrenheit (10°C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35º Fahrenheit (1.6°C)
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32º Fahrenheit (0°C)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0º Fahrenheit (-17.9°C)
New York Citylandlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60º Fahrenheit (-51°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100º Fahrenheit (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173º Fahrenheit (-114°C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460º Fahrenheit (-273°C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "Cold eh?"

-500º Fahrenheit (-295°C)
Hell freezes over.
The TorontoMaple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

[tollbaby]

I've always loved that last one. Why? Cause that's what it would take! LMAO

[Darb]

Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly re leased and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...........FOR NOW!!!!

[Ghost]

Brilliant.

[voralfred]

A man is walking the street holding a chimp (or maybe that was an orangutan?) by the hand. A policeman stops him: "You should not go around with this animal! This is not safe! Take him to the zoo!"
The man agrees, and says he'll go there right away.
Next day, he is walking again with the same big ape. The policeman gets really angry. "Why didn't you do what I said?" "Oh, but I did! We spent a lovely day at the Zoo, yesterday. And today,I'm taking him to the Circus, I'm sure he'll love it, too!".

[Nighteyes]

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.
Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.
The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

[voralfred]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question, if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his First Witness, a Grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount toanything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across theroom and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, Yes I do, I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

Spoiler: show

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send him to The Electric Chair."

[Ghost]

ALfred, sorry to say this, but Brad posted that same joke on June 7 2006.

[voralfred]

Sorry about that, I did not read the entire thread yet (19 pages!)
What is customry, in this case? To edit the post "empty"? Too late to delete it. But I think I saw a place where the same joke, about twenty-eight years old friends of Michael Jackson (with or without "-" between twenty and eight...) was posted at seven posts distance.... in 2004, by Brad!

Brad... you just stepped on BKMs toes (look about 7 posts above yours).

[felonius]

Those dog and cat diary entries are mint!