HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

[laurie]

From the "Kids Say The Darndest Things" files:

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED.

INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



1.  IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2.  ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.  NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3.  LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5.  SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6.  SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7.  MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8.  THE EGYPTIANS WERE  ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9.  THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10.  THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11.  MOSES DIED BEFORE HE! EVER RE ACHED CANADA .  THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12.  THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.  HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16.  WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18.  ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.  HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.  THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22.  THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.  ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN..

24.  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.  CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE.  THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[mccormack44]

Bob said I laughed so hard, I scared the cat. Then I called him in to read this, and he did the same thing!

[laurie]

I know what you mean - I still have a severe case of the giggles!

[nzilla]

It's pretty obvious that most if not all were probably not written by real kids, particularly seeing as supposedly all of the spelling mistakes were left in yet nearly every mistake makes some sort of joke that an adult would find funny, rather than simply misspelling random words as well. Some of them are still quite funny, though.

[Greabo Girl]

Lolness. Even if some of them seemed to go straight over the top of me head... still funny.


Here's one that's been going around since Steve Irwin died (there are a bunch more, but I've forgotten them...)

Steve Irwin was at the gates of Heaven where he was being interviewed by St Paul.
"So, what's your favourite animal?" Asked the saint.
"Oh, well, crocodiles, of course. But the stingray'll always have a place in me heart..."

[mccormack44]

nzilla:

Your caveat concerning the authenticity of these statements would hold true only if these were selected from a rather small set of submissions. If this was a wide-spread test with results from kids in many parishes over a wide part of the country, then all the mistakes could be authentic.

In other words, if we are seeing 25 samples from 100 tests, the results are surely doctored. 25 out of 1000 would be more likely to have produced these results. And 25 out of 5000 would probably be authentic. The adult interference would be in the selection of the statements, not in the statements themselves.

Sue

[nzilla]

My doubts about the authenticity aren't based on the existence of the "adult" mistakes per se, for the exact reason you mentioned, but rather because the same children apparently did not also make a hole lotte off misstakees thatt arent partclarly funy as wel as teh actualy humourious wons; all of these kids seem to be doing a fairly passable job on punctuation and spelling (which, judging from all the writing I've seen done by classmates for twelve years, is an exceedingly rare thing indeed, especially considering this is supposedly writing from a test, not polished essays) except for the jokes, so the selections do not in many cases resemble the writing patterns of children, regardless of them having been specially picked from a large pool for containing the funny bits. One would imagine that there would be a skew toward worse spelling in these selections, not better, compared to a random selection of student writing.

[Echus Cthulhu Mythos]

Lolness. Even if some of them seemed to go straight over the top of me head... still funny.


Here's one that's been going around since Steve Irwin died (there are a bunch more, but I've forgotten them...)

Steve Irwin was at the gates of Heaven where he was being interviewed by St Paul.
"So, what's your favourite animal?" Asked the saint.
"Oh, well, crocodiles, of course. But the stingray'll always have a place in me heart..."

[Greabo Girl]

Oh, here's another Steve Irwin one:

What's Steve Irwin's favourite TV show?

Spoiler: show

Stingray!!!

Ah, fun times...

[laurie]

Another gem from my crazy uncle:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon.

[Ghost]

I didn't know Brad was your crazy uncle. You learn something everyday:

Posted on Sept. 14th in the Tap Room.

Snip ...

> THE STRING AND THE SPOON
>
> A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for
>an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new
>restaurant, and noticed That the waiter who took our order carried a
>spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
>
> When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he
>also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all
>the staff had spoons in their pockets.
>
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
>spoon?"
>
> He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
>to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
>concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
>represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
>hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of
>trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
>
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
>replace It with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
>kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
> I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging
>out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters
>had The same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
>asked the waiter,
>
> "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
>there?"
>
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
>observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
>save time In the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
>what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
>wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
>percent."
>
> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
>
> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
>the spoon."

[Darb]

LAURIE: Wow ... I didn't know we were related. Neat !

[laurie]

Brad, we are NOT related !!!!

You ARE crazy, though.



Ghostie, I only meant that my uncle sent it to me.

[felonius]

I just got this one. It's even funnier if you know the person who sent it to me.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop & her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the
hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards, who
are getting on, get your ass in the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son: "We don't use
that kind of language in this house! Now I want you to go to your room
and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use decent language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son
say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember
to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling
with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little
boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all
of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking
on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the little boy added: "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your
complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen!"

[laurie]

It's even funnier if you know the person who sent it to me.

Let me guess ........ the lady who gave birth to your foul-language-speaking self?

[felonius]

She'd like it laurie, but it wasn't mom - just a friend of mine who enjoys creative cursing. She's master of the craft.

[Darb]

Nothing like a lady who knows how to administer a proper tongue lashing, eh ?

/~ get those minds out of the gutter people - I'm referring to cursing, not you-know-what. ~/

[Darb]

{snip}

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
> when behind him he hears:
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> BUMP...
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> Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out > the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle
> of the street toward him.
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> Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket
> bouncing quickly behind him
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> FASTER...
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> FASTER...
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> He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
> rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
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> However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of
> the casket clapping
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> clappity-BUMP...
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> on his heels, the terrified man runs.
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> Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His > heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
> sobbing gasps.
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> With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
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> Bumping and clapping toward him.
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> The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all > he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
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> Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
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> and,
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> (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
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> The coffin stops

[Darb]

{snip}

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,
"That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

[Greabo Girl]

*LONG JOKE*

Lolness... reminds me of one about Bagdad. Can't remember it, but still...

Even though I'm not American, this's still funny:

Reasons Why I'm so tired...

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason;

I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...

# The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

# There are 83 million who are under-age or still in school, and 3 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.

# Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the civilian work.

# Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.

# Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.

# There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two people to do the work.

# You and me.

...and you're sitting there playing around on the internet.

[nzilla]

I see those numbers are in need of updating.

[tollbaby]

*snicker*

MATH THEOREM OF PYTHAGORAS

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.


The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.


When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[laurie]

Tollbaby:

My Algebra students will be entertained next week!

[Darb]

Bit of a non-sequitur in here, but ...

I was just doing some cleanup in the database, and stumbled, quite by chance, on this book, and laughed out loud, because the title and cover are clearly a spoof of this classic by Ray Bradbury.

[Darb]

Snip

You gotta love Robin Williams...

Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with his logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past and present You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys". We will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us, "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "