HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

Hunter B · Post by **Hunter B** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 6:17 pm

LOL! Hahahahaha!!!

mccormack44 · Post by **mccormack44** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 10:05 pm

I not only laughed at both stories, I shared them with Bob, who also laughed out loud.

Post by **Darb** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:18 pm

I was swapping e-mails with Charlie Pellegrino just now, and he dropped this little doozy on me.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything".

Post by **Darb** » Tue Jul 19, 2005 3:14 pm

(snip)

Note: the capitals are not mine, and I'm too lazy to reformat it ATM ...

FRIENDSHIP POEM

ARE YOU TIRED OF ALL THOSE SISSY "FRIENDSHIP" POEMS THAT ALWAYS SOUND GOOD, BUT NEVER ACTUALLY COME CLOSE TO REALITY? WELL, HERE IS A SERIES OF PROMISES THAT REALLY SPEAKS TO TRUE FRIENDSHIP:

1. WHEN YOU ARE SAD- I WILL HELP YOU GET DRUNK AND PLOT REVENGE AGAINST THE SORRY BASTARD WHO MADE YOU SAD.

2. WHEN YOU ARE BLUE- I WILL TRY TO DISLODGE WHATEVER IS CHOKING YOU.

3. WHEN YOU SMILE- i WILL KNOW YOU FINALLY GOT LAID.

4. WHEN YOU ARE SCARED- I WILL RAG ON YOU ABOUT IT EVERY CHANCE I GET.

5. WHEN YOU ARE WORRIED- I WILL TELL YOU HORRIBLE STORIES ABOUT HOW MUCH WORSE IT COULD BE AND TO QUIT WHINING.

6. WHEN YOU ARE CONFUSED- I WILL USE LITTLE WORDS.

7. WHEN YOU ARE SICK- STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME UNTIL YOU ARE WELL AGAIN. I DON'T WANT WHATEVER YOU HAVE.

8. WHEN YOU FALL- I WILL POINT AND LAUGH AT YOUR CLUMSY ASS.

THIS IS MY OATH...I PLEDGE IT TILL THE END. WHY, YOU MAY ASK? BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND.

Post by **Kvetch** » Tue Jul 19, 2005 4:00 pm

I have friends like that...

Post by **laurie** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 7:27 pm

Got this from my uncle today:

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy.Â "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl.Â "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy.Â "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

Post by **laurie** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 9:29 pm

IRISH SMILES

-------------------------------------------------------

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

------------------------------------------------------

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

------------------------------------------------------

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

------------------------------------------------------

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?

A. So the English can understand them.

------------------------------------------------------

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

------------------------------------------------------

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said Mr. Feeney, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.

------------------------------------------------------

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

------------------------------------------------------

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

------------------------------------------------------

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

------------------------------------------------------

Post by **Kvetch** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:02 am

especially this one:

Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.

Post by **laurie** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:33 pm

Yeah, I liked that one best, too.

My other favorites are:

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

and

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Post by **Kvetch** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 3:00 pm

Just been sent this. Follow it carefully

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer ...

somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is.

It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under ... forever. You have two options ...

you can save the life of G.W. Bush

or

you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

I am completely unrepentant.

Another GWB joke:
Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

Post by **laurie** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 3:27 pm

I am taking the moral high ground ...

... stealing these and sending them to everyone I know.

Post by **laurie** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 10:26 pm

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

--- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

--- Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

--- Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

--- In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors".

--- Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

--- dont use any punctuation

--- Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

--- Sing Along At The Opera.

--- Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

--- Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

--- When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

--- When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

--- Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Post by **Kvetch** » Fri Oct 14, 2005 6:38 pm

Staying up late has stange effects on my consciousness. I'm not sure why the pink elephants aretalking to me...

Anyway, I've been surfing the web, and have found this. Thought I'd share the pain.

Geek Love Poem
roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you

Post by **Darb** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:10 pm

Snip ...

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

--won't admit his name

I can add a few to the list, from recent personal experience.

Case in point: my Father was in the hospital back in Sept (this was about a week before he died). A psychiatrist, and an aide, had stopped by to do an evaluation ... ostensibly to determine if my Father was competent to make his own medical decisions.

The psych asked my Dad, among other things, where he was (clearly expecting him to reply with some variant of "I'm in the hospital").

My Dad answered, even though the haze of early stage altheimers, and recent cerebral surgery, with his usual dry philosophical wit "... I'm in limbo ...".

The doctor (apparently unfamiliar with Dante) promptly declared him incompetent.

I really need to find the time to write up some of my experiences of the past few months ...

Greabo Girl · Post by **Greabo Girl** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:48 pm

Heh, I'm loving all them funny '20/30/5/whatever ways to...' lists. Here's one I found that I just couldn't resist posting here

Sexually Suggestive Star Wars Lines

Star Wars

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

The Empire Strikes Back

10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

Return of the Jedi

10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
8. "I never knew I had it in me."
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
3. "She's gonna blow!"
2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
1. "Rise, my friend."

But of course, one of the best is - "Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!"

felonius · Post by **felonius** » Sun Oct 30, 2005 2:53 pm

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything".

Another Buddhist joke:

Why can't a Buddhist vacuum in the corners of his room?
Because he doesn't have any attachments.

Post by **Kvetch** » Fri Nov 04, 2005 3:02 am

*wince*

I, stupidly, agreed to type up the ICSF Quotes list. The list consists of all utterences in the Sci-Fi library which, taken out of context (or *in* context) are either
i) Obscene
ii) Bizarre
Since I have now done this, I thought I might as well share it with you as well. It is funnier to me as I know many of the people who, umm, commited, them, but you ought to find something funny in there:
http://kvetch.silentflame.com/ICSFQuotes.htm

Post by **laurie** » Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:56 pm

It always amazes me how funny out-of-context remarks can be. Good stuff, Kvetch!

Cristina: Spanish has no word for "Lemming".
(NB: the word is unclear.Â It seems most likely to be lemming, but I read it originally as "lemon".Â This was slightly funnier)

Probably is "lemming", because Spanish does have a word for lemon (limon).

Anon: Monkeys? We don't need no steenking monkeys.

Has Wolfspirit been visiting Imperial?

Dave: I really like the vampire episode in Buffy.

Duh! That is baaaaad ...

Ed: We should start another religion.
Baz: But, we've already got, like, six.

Which seems to be 5 too many ...

Peter: I'm right into squid porn.

Imagine that! I never would have thought it of you, Kvetch.

Malc: Vegetarians are a food group!

So let's have lunch ...

Greabo Girl · Post by **Greabo Girl** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 1:47 pm

Heh, I found a REALLY long (yet funny) list entitled 'LOTS of ways to annoy your room mate'

here's the URL

http://www.myyearbook.com/zenhex/jokes.php?joke=5073

Post by **laurie** » Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:08 pm

Three additions to the "Annoy Your Roommate" list, courtesy of my first college roomie:

-- Dissect a shark's head in biology lab, and bring an eye back to your room. Place said eye in a glass of water on your roommate's desk.

-- wind thick colored string around the room's many ceiling hooks to make interesting ceiling art. Then use the "art" as a clothesline for drying your laundry.

-- Grow tomato plants in your room. When the plants get big enough, use the venetian windowblinds as a trellis to keep the plants from drooping, thus rendering the blinds useless for their true purpose.

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Sun Nov 06, 2005 12:44 am

I'm wondering where YOUR roomie got those ideas, Laurie LOL

Post by **laurie** » Sun Nov 06, 2005 1:53 am

Probably from Kierkegaard - that seemed to be her only reading material besides her anatomy texts.

She was really quite nice and incredibly intelligent, just a bit on the "odd" side. Though we never roomed together after that first year (Gee, I wonder why?), we did remain friends through college and for a while after.

Post by **Darb** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:21 pm

Snip ...

In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for impressive sermons; so much so, that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Sabbath.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So he decided to hire a Sabbath Gentile to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Sabbath Gentiles to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.

Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Sabbath he, too, hired a Sabbath Gentile who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines...

...Marking the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

Oooh, that was a stinky one ...

tollbaby · Post by **tollbaby** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:41 pm

*snort* Just sent that to a bunch of my Jewish friends... they're gonna love it

Post by **Darb** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:45 pm

More humor {snip} ...

1. A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him

to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes

romantic and can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

2. Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white
gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

3.
FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

4. The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by these
children are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." /*
"And why not, darling?" /*
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear