Doctors' notes...........
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
and finally...
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't admit his name.
HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)
Medical humor:
I like this one the best (after the Oscar Meyer one - of course 
)
)While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animating contest of freedom, go from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you,
S Adams
S Adams
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Kahrey
- Fairy Tale Heroine - aka "Cinders"
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
You don't get this one?
"Life is trial and error. Those who succeed are those who survive their failures and keep trying." - LE Modesitt, Jr.
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RecluceMage
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Because the oscar meyer thingee was the last gag in my post, and you were the most recent poster (of the feminine persuasion) before me. Luck of the draw. If it was laurie, I'd have whistled it at her.Kahrey wrote:Why in my direction?Brad wrote:/me whistles "Oscar Meyer" in Kahrey's general direction ...
Think of it as collateral humor damage (shrapnel).
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laurie
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Very funny, BradBrad wrote:/me sings the r-rated version of "Ticket to Ride" by The Beetles, for Laurie ...
She's got a pickle to riiiide,
A big knobby gerkin with some warts on the side,
She's got a pickle to ride,
... an she don't care.
Ok, ok, back on topic ...
BTW, you spelled Beatles wrong.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." -- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
"So where the hell is he?" -- Laurie
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ChoChiyo
- Artificial Intellect
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Hunter Berwick wrote:Tsk, Tsk, Brad, you should have at least waited for Cho or Laurie. Kahrey's a minor after all
/ me shakes his head in disapproval
Brad knows Laurie and I slap REALLY HARD.
Heh heh heh.
I am a poor, wayfaring stranger
Wandering through this world of woe
But there's no sickness, no fear or danger
In that bright land
To which I go
Wandering through this world of woe
But there's no sickness, no fear or danger
In that bright land
To which I go
Here's one that was buried deep in The Tap Room ... thought I'd re-post it here. 
Lily wrote:Say Brad, how may licks does it really take to get to the middle of the tootsie pop!!!
That's easy ... one more lick than the penultimate lick (see mathematical proof below).
BRAD'S THEORY OF TOOTSIEROLL SUB-LINGUAL RELATIVITY
- by Brad 16-Jul-2003 (all rights reserved)
MATHEMATICAL PROOF:
First, we define the following:
NLTM as the Number of Licks To the Middle, and
PLTM as the Penultimate (next to last) Lick To the Middle.
Since we defined the meanings as stated, and since the definitions are relative to each other and do not involve absolute numbers open to debate, we can therefore accept these definitions as completely true and beyond challenge.
The problem is thus reduced to solving the latter equation for NLTM by simple algebra:
PLTM = NLTM - 1
(PLTM) + 1 = (NLTM - 1) + 1 <-- by additive law
PLTM + 1 = NLTM <-- now we flip it around
NLTM = PLTM +1 <-- viola ... solved !
Now, trying to derive an absolute numeric answer for PLTM is a separate problem, and probably not solvable. The best you could do would be to rig up a modelling simulation for a series of standardized human tongue types and licking patterns (ex: large tongued heavy salivators who lick aggressively, small tongued intermittant lappers, and people who suck the entire pop inbetween licks, etc.) and then use confidence interval projections to determine the most likely sample size necessary to create a pool of results which would then be averaged together to form an approximation for each of those groups. The approximation given would then depend on who was asking.
I'm sure it's been done by someone with entirely too much time on their hands, so I'll refrain from repeating their work
Last edited by Darb on Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.