HUMOR: BKM's bad hume-hair day (e-humor, puns & 1-liners)

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 6:29 pm

speaking of 'tree' jokes

if a man says something in the woods and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 6:31 pm

That's about right. LOL

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 7:50 pm

forget english to metric conversions, here's someth conversions for your real life adventures:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Post by **Darb** » Thu Mar 18, 2004 8:08 pm

Blahahahahhaa !

Post by **Darb** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 8:03 pm

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00

with Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00

with WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Coors (the beer, not the stock), one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Its called the 401-Keg Plan

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Mon Mar 22, 2004 8:06 pm

Hey! I used to be on that plan!

Post by **KiltanneN** » Thu Apr 01, 2004 9:05 pm

Winston Churchill wrote:"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter"-

I saw this and had to laugh - so true!

kilt

Post by **Darb** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 1:27 pm

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43
years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift,liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time
to live, she figured she might as well look nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied:
"GirrLLLLLL...., I didn't even recognize you."

Post by **Darb** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 2:20 pm

More Catholic humor ... suitable for mixed company: practicing (but not yet perfect!); lapsed; fallen; heathens; not-yet-seen-the-light

- AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

- BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

- CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
Congregation to lip-sync.

- HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

- HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.

- INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

- JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges
with good basketball teams.

- JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

- JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

- KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava

- MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

- MANGER: The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always
been rough.

- PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

- PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

- RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

- RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

- RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

- TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

- USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Post by **Darb** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 4:56 pm

Snip ... very amusing.

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Post by **Darb** » Wed Apr 14, 2004 10:07 am

Let's hear it for the stupid people of the world

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Wed Apr 14, 2004 1:29 pm

Good one, Brad!

Kahrey · Post by **Kahrey** » Wed Apr 14, 2004 2:51 pm

thats a good one Brad!!

Dear Son,

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address cause the last family who lived here took the house numbers with them so they didn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons on them, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine. Your father has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He's cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe were in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to help him out, but he fought them all off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticable at all. On the first day of the term, still wearing the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class at school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging his tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler from his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Wed Apr 14, 2004 3:01 pm

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Kahrey · Post by **Kahrey** » Wed Apr 14, 2004 3:07 pm

Misplaced Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: it said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, she said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry about the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

Someone in the Garden

A new pastor moved into town, and went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was at home, but no ne came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10. "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

Abraham's New Computer

Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..." Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory." Abraham said, "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."

ColinT · Post by **ColinT** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 2:18 pm

The Thermodynamics of Hell

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet which is of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well!

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (Absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First. we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over?

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year, "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an
affair with her, Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze over."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Fri Apr 16, 2004 2:48 pm

Well, that student deserved an A for that one!

/me wonders why such a question would be posed in a chemistry class?

But whatever the case, it was well worth it.

Thank you, ColinT.

felonius · Post by **felonius** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 2:56 am

I would have given him an A+.

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 6:21 am

One for Brad and his love of the French!
==========================

The only seat available on the train from London to Paris was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman and her dog was using the seat. The weary traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat, No?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant . . . Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Superenigmatix · Post by **Superenigmatix** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 6:36 am

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a. m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a. m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a. m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and VERY satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other...."

Aunflin · Post by **Aunflin** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 6:21 pm

/dirty laughter in the background, "hehehehehe..."

felonius · Post by **felonius** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:25 am

One for those who are mechanically minded:

-----------------------------------------------------

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off. Never let it be said that ground crews and mechanics lack a sense of humour.

Some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses:

P=problem logged by pilot
S=solution and action taken by mechanics

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

bob k. mando · Post by **bob k. mando** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 10:19 am

re - quantas, endo vs exo hell, genesis, the hillbilly letter

bravo, BRAVO everyone! now that's what i'ma talkin bout. and it's great to see some of these classic jokes that i had forgotten about.

Post by **Darb** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 12:23 pm

Bravo !

Post by **Ghost** » Wed Apr 28, 2004 4:36 pm

This couple is making love with the woman on top when their young child comes into the room.

The couple quickly reposition themselves and the wife get up and takes the child down stairs to give him breakfast and get him ready for school.

The child is very quiet whiles he is eating, and the mother is watching him out of the corner of her eyes, trying to think up an excuse for her and her husband's behavior. The child gets ready to ask the obvious and the mother cuts him off as she pushes out the door towards the bus stop and says â€œdaddy is a little overweight and I was bouncing on him to help him get thinâ€